I don't love you and I always will
by 0utlier
Summary: SET DURING/AFTER SPIRIT BOUND. After being told that Dimitri no longer loves her, a distraught Rose returns to Russia, one goal in mind. But when a tragedy brings her back to everyone she left behind, will she find that true love doesn't fade? And will it change anything? FIRST FANFICTION. May be OOC periodically. In different POVs.
1. Chapter 1

_ I shot up, now as angry and frustrated as him. I had a feeling that if I stayed, we'd both snap. In an undertone, I murmured, "This isn't over. I won't give up on you."_

"_I've given up on you," he said back, voice also soft. "Love fades. Mine has."_

_I stared at him in disbelief. All this time, he'd never phrased it like that. His protests had always been about some greater good, about the remorse he felt over being a monster or how it had scarred him from love. I've given up on you. Love fades. Mine has. _

Dimitri whispered the words, but it felt like he had shouted them. I could tell he was on the verge of losing control. And me? Had I ever even possessed it?

_I've given up on you_.

Those words were awful. The thought of Dimitri giving up on me was unbearable. But not as unbearable as the alternative.

If it was simply Dimitri fighting the connection I persistently claimed we had because of his guilt, there would still be hope.

But what if he just didn't love me anymore? Or never had? That was a whole other story. That would mean our love, our connection, our memories, would fade to ash, leaving nothing in its path. What once was strong and beautiful; life altering, faded into nothing but dust.

He loved me. He had. I say the words to myself in my head, but nothing makes sense anymore. I analyze our past. The gym. The cabin. The chapel, where he'd held me while I sobbed. The cave, where my heart had shattered.

Suddenly, I feel a pain in my chest, worse than I'd ever felt before.

Worse than when I'd watched Dimitri fall into someone else's grasp. Worse than when he'd been turned into a Strigoi. Worse than when I'd plunged the stake into his heart, watching him fall down into the dark water, certain that I had lost him forever.

Worse than everything I'd been through because through it all, he had loved me. Or at least I'd believed he had. His love had been there, even when he had not. But now?

All that was left of that love was my unconditional love for someone who didn't love me anymore.

I see his eyes soften, like maybe he knows how much he's hurt me. I doubt it. I can't believe that of all times, now is when I hear Viktoria Belikova's voice ring in my mind.

"You act like you loved my brother, but there's no way you could have—no way you could really understand love!"

Maybe she was right. She hadn't known what it was either, though. What she and Rolan had had wasn't love. I knew she would learn that, someday. But had I known? I had claimed to know what it was all my life, and look had wear it had gotten me. Maybe it just wasn't real.

Or maybe, Dimitri was the one who didn't know what love was. I'd thought before that it was something you lived and died for. I'd lived for it. I'd fought for it. And now, I was dying for it—figuratively.

Maybe I did know what love was. Maybe that's why I felt like this—broken. Because of love. And Dimitri? He felt nothing.

Maybe we both knew what it was. And maybe we both had truly loved each other. Maybe what he said was true: he just couldn't love anyone anymore. He just couldn't love me. Being Strigoi had killed that part of him.

And if that was the case, I was certain a part of me would die to.

Love fades. Mine has.

Over and over, those words ring in my mind, making it difficult to breathe, or walk, or do anything except curl in a ball and let my never ending agony have me. Walk away, my common sense tells me. Or crawl. Whichever came first.

The possibility of my body going completely limp was suddenly very real. He's gotten what he wanted. He'd broke me. Utterly and completely to pieces. "I'm sorry, Rose," he murmurs.

I want so badly to fall to pieces in front of him, like I had before. I want him to hold me, and let me sob. I don't care what he does to me after that; as long as I have that embrace. It takes every ounce of my being to keep standing and not fall to the floor, hoping he would catch me.

His guardians are looking at me with pitying expressions, and I know what they see: a pathetic girl in love. Not a badass guardian who had slain Strigoi or even a girl who had enough self respect to walk away. For a second, the pain dims. That is not me. But it is. Dimitri Belikov has made sure of that.

The sudden relief passes as quickly as it came. The service is departing, and the back row of the church are watching; waiting. I decide then that I won't give them that satisfaction. I won't endanger Dimitri's fragile reputation, and I won't be the girl who needs some guy to survive.

I am sure he can see the waterworks begin to escalate as I practically run out of the church. Each step is agony. But I make it.


	2. Chapter 2

Before I know it I'm in Lissa's room, broken sobs escaping my chapped lips. I have a pen in my hand and I'm sitting at her desk trying to write something, but from the way my hand is shaking, you would think I'm just scribbling random shapes. After a few deep breaths, I'm able to write somewhat legibly. Tear drops stain the paper.

_Lissa, _I write.

_ I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm going to hurt you once again. I'm sorry that I have to leave you. Again. I just can't be here anymore. It'll hurt too much. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to stay. Please know that I love you. I love you so, so much. It kills what's left of me to leave you. But I have to. _

_ Above all, I'm sorry. You know that in a way, I'll still be here. I know I promised that on whatever crazy mission I went on you could come—and I'm sorry I have to break that promise. I'd thought then that for better or for worse, we had a bond we couldn't escape. That we were better fighting together than apart. That's still true. You'll always be my best friend. But I can't ask you to leave, and I'm done with fighting. _

_ I wish I could talk to you. But if I see you, I won't have the courage to leave. Because I need you. _

_ Someday, I'll pick up the pieces and I'll be back. I've left a part of my heart with you; I'll reclaim it then. _

I don't sign my name. I know she'll know who it's from. It's for the best, I tell myself. She'll have Christian and Dimitri, her ever noble servant. He said he'd serve and protect her for life. Surprisingly, now I'm depending on that vow. She'll be taken care of, right?

And of course, there's spirit, always weighing down on her—on me. On us. How can I expect her to battle it alone—and battle it alone myself? She's strong. And of course, of course, I'll always know how she is. But after I've left her, I'm scared to know.

Dimitri will be glad to have me gone and I will no longer endanger his reputation. Maybe he'll fall in love again someday and gain his guardian status back. I honestly hope things work out for him.

It's for the best, but I still feel like my heart is being shredded to pieces-shredded because I know now that Dimitri doesn't love me and because I already miss Lissa, and can already feel how my leaving will affect her. I sit on her bed for a few moments, trying to stop the tears from flowing, but they are relentless.

Suddenly, I hear a light knock at the door.

"Rose?" The voice belongs to Christian Ozera, though I have no idea how he knows I'm here. I don't answer, afraid my voice will break. Of course, I left the door unlocked in my haste and he comes in eyes finding me, eyes widening significantly. "Come to watch the freak show? If so, just leave. She isn't entertaining today." I snap, but it lacks any real attitude.

My words bounce off of him, and his eyes are gentle-something they had never turned for me. "What happened?" He asks voice soft. No answer. "I saw you running from the chapel, and you looked upset...So I followed you. I figured you'd go to your room, but you came here. You know Liss's at the Royal Dinner with Your Highness, so I knew something had to be really..." He doesn't finish, not knowing what to really describe my situation.

He continues, "I wanted to make sure you were okay." Wiping my eyes, knowing whatever makeup I had thrown on this morning in my haste this morning was smeared all over my face, I try to push as much Rose Hathaway bravado into my next words, "What are you, my big brother now?"

He doesn't fall for it. "No...Just a friend who cares about you." His words surprise me and I discover again how far we'd come in our friendship. I have no more strength to keep it up.

"I'm leaving. Now. Lissa's room is closer to the front gates and the chapel, plus, I needed paper and a writing utensil." His eyes widen even wider, and his jaw drops slightly. "What about Lissa? And Belikov? He's a dhampir again; you two can finally have your happy ending. Why would you leave now?" His words are sort of blunt, but I don't take offense.

My emotions are wildly flailing out of control. I don't want to answer his question. Saying what's ripping me apart out loud will just make it more painful. I stand up, leaving my goodbye letter sitting on her bed. I begin to walk out when a hand grabs my arm.

"Why are you doing this?" He asks. I know he wants to help, but he can't. No one can. Something in me snaps, and I turn back my eyes dancing wildly around the room and then landing back on Christian, whose crystalline blue eyes are still placid. "Because he doesn't love me anymore, Christian! And I can't see him every day knowing that he doesn't!" My voice breaks as I scream the words out, and it hurts, but strangely, I feel some relief to have one person know.

His hand drops. He has no response for that. He could apologize, but he knows I don't want that. He could hug me or comfort me in some way, but he knows that won't really help either. "Please stay. For Liss. Or at least tell her in person that you're leaving."

"Do you think I want to leave? If I see her I won't have the courage to go!" He looks down at the carpet, but then back up, meeting my eyes. "Then see her. Stay."

I actually consider it for a moment. It would be easier if Lissa could hug me and tell me that it would be okay-if she could be my best friend. But then I'm met with the same problem before: Dimitri. Whether we knew what love was or not, I couldn't look him in the eyes every day, knowing that he no longer cared for me.

I couldn't take Lissa on my next journey like I promised her because I couldn't take her away from Court, not when it was where she clearly belonged. And more than that, the moroi and dhampirs alike needed her.

"I. Can't." I make it to the door, Christian looking pained. "Christian? Please make sure she knows that I love her. Please. Take care of her for me, okay?" Hoping the surprise on his face is a yes, I l leave him sitting on Lissa's bed. With a heart full of pain, I leave everything behind, except for a hard, cold voice in my head that follows me, suffocating me.

"Love fades. Mine has."


	3. Chapter 3

I've made it through the front gates without completely breaking down. I'm now a rogue guardian. I've lost whatever slim chance I had of guarding Lissa-or anyone else. Even if I returned in the future, the best assignment I'd get was guarding the front gates. The worst being paperwork. Maybe mentoring was an option.

Lucky for me, I don't see myself returning any time soon.

I now consider where to go. My best bet would to hole up in a crappy hotel and try to get a job. Maybe I could teach martial arts like Tasha.

But I really can't see myself doing that. At all.

With no answers, I do the first thing - a hotel - and let the pain have me as I curl up in a ball, tears flowing freely down my face.

**(A/N I know this is short. But I have the next chapter uploaded already! R&R!)**


	4. Chapter 4

(2 years later)

My stake has pierced her heart within just a few minutes, but I feel exhausted.

My eyes find Denis, Artur, Lev, and Tamara and I quickly join them, staking Lev's Strigoi in the back, piercing his heart. He didn't even hear me coming. I feel the same pang of sadness I always feel. This Strigoi had been a human, but it didn't matter. Whether he'd been turned forcefully or had been ''rewarded'' with a life of miserable eternity, he'd had a life somewhere, with people who'd probably cared about him. I'd lost someone who I loved to this life once; I knew what it felt like.

I can't help but feel a little fear, too. Humans helping Strigoi could really mean our races were well outnumbered. By our races, I mean moroi and dhampirs.

Denis and Tamara split up, a Strigoi for each of them. I couldn't believe how much we'd lucked out tonight, finding a pack of Strigoi. It was kind of a double edged sword though.

I decide to aid Tamara-she's probably the worst injured tonight. Her Strigoi surprises me however. I've seen this one before. "Ah, Marlen. Nice to see you again," I grin, landing a blow, and easily avoiding his attempt to grab my neck. I keep my tough exterior going, but seeing him hurts-it brings back memories of when I'd been Dimitri the Strigoi's prisoner. And then when he'd fallen off the bridge...

I refuse to let myself get caught up in memories when my-and Tamara's-life is on the line. "You to, bloodwhore." The term, even after all these years, still makes me flinch, even more than it had when I'd been 17. I had been one, for awhile.

Despite my troubled feelings, I feel a little bit smug. I'd tortured information out of him, escaped a luxurious prison he was guarding…Yeah that really didn't do much for your ego when you were supposed to be a big badass Strigoi.

Tamara hides her surprise and stakes Marlen, after we both have both given and taken enough blows for me to hold him long enough for her to pursue the deed. Denis has also staked his Strigoi. "Let's go home," I say. I can tell all of them want to keep hunting, with an exception of Tamara, who looks like she's ready to fall into bed.


	5. Chapter 5

For the first time in a few weeks, I cry myself to sleep. I did every night for a year, curled up in a ball. Time passed and the ache lessened a little, but every time I'd see something that would remind me of Dimitri, it would open up the wound, and I'd have to live through it all over again.

I'd see a building that I knew he'd love and think back to how he used to talk about Russia, talking about how surely I'd love it there. And I did. I'd learned a long time ago that he had been right when he said Russia wasn't like I imagined it-an Arctic wasteland-and since I'd come back, I realized it again. Even a painting or a movie could make me think of him. Many times though, it was the music. The music I'd made fun of.

It didn't make much sense for me to be in Russia. The last time I'd come here it was to kill Dimitri, and while I hadn't, that task was over, seeing as he was no longer a Strigoi. So why come here? Why leave America? I surely belonged there more than here. But as I had sat in the hotel, wondering what to do with my life, I realized that I needed a purpose. Without one, I'd completely go insane.

So I decided to help rid the world of Strigoi. And I knew that there were more in Russia than in the states, not that there was any shortage here. I also knew of a few dhampirs ready to kick some ass. So I'd come back. Unsurprisingly, they had all thought I was dead. I just shrugged and told them that I'd been captured by a Strigoi. I didn't give details, and after a while, they simply accepted me as their leader and stopped asking questions.

I wake up after a few hours. The pain is a little better-I've cried myself out. They probably could hear me, but I guess they decided that it was just a normal thing for me.

Not being able to go back asleep, I visit Lissa. Like I'd promised in my letter 2 years ago, I did check in on her. I was careful though. The second Dimitri came into the picture, I escaped. The one time I hadn't-the first time I'd visited her head after leaving-I'd regretted it.

I remember it again, my walls coming down.

_ Lissa couldn't wait to get back to her room. She wanted to come see me, but she was just too exhausted. Playing perfect royal for Queen Tatiana had tired her out. _

_ She finds my letter sitting in the middle of her bed. Christian sits next to it, his eyes worried. I know he's worried about her reaction-afraid, even. "What are you doing here?" She says it happily-she's glad that he's here. And she's confused. Why is he looking at her like that? He doesn't answer and hands her the letter wordlessly, blue eyes sympathetic. _

_ As she reads it, tears begin falling, and the pain in my chest increases. Her pain. My pain. The line was becoming invisible. I feel horribly guilty. Her body trembles, and Christian wraps her in an embrace, kissing her forehead. A sob escapes her, and she goes limp in his arms. He holds her tightly He says nothing else for awhile, and neither does she. He just holds her as she sobs. _

_ Hours pass. And then she suddenly stiffens, a decision being made. She unwraps herself from his arms, grabbing his hand, walking out the door with him in tow. He doesn't even ask where they're going. He knows time will tell. Meanwhile, I know it's time for me to get the hell out of her head. But I don't. I need to see what happens. I need him to care._

_ Minutes later, she's on Dimitri's doorstep, pounding so hard it hurts. Tear tracks mark her face. One of Dimitri's guards a__nswer. "Princess? What can I do for you?" He pretends not to notice the red rim around her eyes and tear stains, containing ultimate guardian composure. "I need to see him. Dimitri. Now." Her voice is hoarse, but its tone matches one of a haughty royal girl. The guardian's eyes were soft-something I hadn't seen awhile from a stranger._

_ He opened the door and Lissa spotted Dimitri within a second. He sat a book down-a western novel-and stood up._

_ "What's wrong?" He asks, and Lissa ignores him, turning to the 5 guardians watching them. "Leave. Go outside. Out of earshot." For a second, they just look confused. But then her compulsion overwhelms them, and one by one, they give up the battle and exit._

_ Both Christian and Dimitri are confused—and afraid. They both know the dangers of spirit. Lissa doesn't give them a chance to speak._

_ "What did you do?" She asks, her smooth compulsion voice long gone. "What did you say to her?" Christian could've given her the summary of it, but he stayed silent._

_ I don't want to hear Dimitri's answer. But I don't leave, once again._

_ Dimitri doesn't bother to mask his feelings. They are right there on his face, but I can't read them, let alone apprehend what they mean. His eyes are full of some emotion. But I don't know what it is. I can't help but think back to all of the times where I understood him perfectly, and vice versa. Have I lost that to?_

_ He rests a comforting hand on her arm, but she shakes if off. "What happened?" His voice is gentle—weary. He know something is wrong—even worse than just being upset. Spirit's darkness is affecting her. Maybe us both._

_ "She's gone, Dimitri! She left!" She thrusts the letter at him. After a few moments of silence as Dimitri reads my letter, which I hadn't planned for anyone but her to see. I feel slightly betrayed. I didn't care about what Christian knew. I trusted him. And I guess, next to Lissa, he knew more about me then anyone—except Dimitri, who had used to know me better than anyone. I don't know if that applied anymore. It didn't matter; I don't want him to know the pain he'd caused my heart. I wanted to be strong—at least in his eyes._

_ Christian surprises me, once again. "Is it true? You don't love Rose anymore?" It was the first time my name had been used in context, but they had all known who ''she'' was. Lissa looks startled, but Dimitri answers before she can say anything. "I'm incapable of loving anyone. She's better off."_

_ The first part might be true. But the second part? Pure bullshit. There it was again; he was telling me how I was feeling—how I would feel, how I would be. The incapable of loving anyone part wasn't exactly new either. And just like the first time, it breaks my heart into pieces._

_ It's not just me being broken hearted. I love Dimitri—even if he doesn't love me. I have that feeling I had with Lissa. Pain. Whose it was didn't really matter if you cared about them. Part of what hurts so badly is knowing that he's going through something to, but I can't help him. I'd said before that I'd always be there for him. And now I was leaving. I couldn't help but feel guilty. But he hadn't wanted any help I could give._

_ "Better off is here. At court. With me. Here! And if being with you equates to that, she's not better off." Lissa's words are sane, but her tone…I can sense spirit's madness sinking in. She's rambling—something I hadn't seen her do unless she was pretty upset. This qualified as one of those times. Her voice is slightly hysterical. _

_ Christian takes her hand, not knowing what else to do. She feels a little bit better—a little bit more stable holding it. "Funny. I thought love was one of those things that never faded. Guess not. 'Seems like she didn't give up on you that easy. Doesn't really matter to you, I guess. I mean, she only traveled the globe for you, fighting for you, no matter what it cost her. She only left her best friend, jeopardizing her future for you. I saw her. Before she left. And she sure as hell didn't look 'better off'." I can't believe what he's saying. He's right—but none of that had mattered to me. It was true, I hadn't cared what it cost me. But I did those things out of love, and I didn't need Dimitri feeling guilty for them. He didn't love me for his own reasons, not because he hadn't appreciated what I had done for him. Maybe he didn't realize just how much I had to love him to do all those things, but that wasn't his fault. He had broken me. But maybe, just maybe, part of me had broken myself. _

_ It also surprises me because Christian feels so strongly about what he's saying. He genuinely believes that I've been screwed over—and he cares. Sure, I'd cared when he and Lissa had broken up, and had understood the agony they both had been through until they'd finally patched things up, but still. Maybe after all we'd been through together he actually saw me as a friend—he'd even said that. A sister, even. We got on each other's nerves a lot, but he'd seen me hurting, and no amount of Ozera sarcasm could make him mock that. _

_ "Do you think that I don't know that? It's exactly because of what she did that I can't face her; I can't love her. I can't love anyone. I don't deserve her. And most importantly, I can't look her in the eyes knowing what I've done to her. I can't pretend that it's all okay." Dimitri yells, losing control. His hands are balled into fists, and his eyes are sparkling with agony. Guilt. That's one emotion I can pick out. There it is again, that guiltiness, that hopelessness. I hate it. It makes me want to wrap my arms around him, telling him that I don't care, I don't care about any of it. That I forgive him. That there was nothing to forgive, not really. That I love him. All of those things are true. But none of them matter because he doesn't love me back._

_ "You saw her? That's why you were in my room.." I can feel the disbelief through the bond—and the guilt. It's silly, but she feels guilty that he was the one to find me—that she hadn't been there for me. The note had said that I needed her, and she hadn't been there for me. I'd also said that I couldn't see her, but she ignores that, thinking that if she'd been there, I would've stayed. I would've stayed and poured my heart out to her, and I would've gotten better. I would've healed. Maybe I would have. She would've done anything for me. Even if it left leaving; even if it meant putting herself in danger. All over again, a part of her has been cut out. Christian nods. "I saw her run out of the church. I followed her. I tried to stop her, but she wouldn't listen." _

The conversation went on and on, and so had the days. The months. The years. Lissa hadn't forgotten her best friend—me—and I hadn't been replaced. She still hurt over me. She beat herself up about it, and every once in awhile, she'd just feel anger, and nothing else. I had left her. I hadn't given her a chance to beg me to stay. Best friends didn't abandon each other. It was easier when she was angry. She had a right to be; I felt less guilty. Whether she was angry or not, I still received a message through the bond periodically. _I need you, Rose. How could you leave me? _The next day she apologized to Dimitri and they made their peace. She knew as well as I did that a relationship was built of two people.

Today, news was buzzing like bees at Court. Something big had happened…and it wasn't good. Whatever 'it' was, it had fear and disbelief pouring into me through the bond. It was morning at Court, which meant it was light outside, unlike the schedule I was on. I don't even want to get started about the time differences. It was also light here, but I was in bed. She was up and about, practically running to meet Christian, hoping the whispers weren't true.

_Did you hear? St. Vladimirs was attacked._

_They said there was a very low survival rate. _

_Strigoi are banding together._

_I heard that the wards staked by humans. _

_Moroi magic was used.._

And then of course, there were other rumors going about.

_They don't have enough guardians…So many were killed. Even more than last time. About 20 died.._

And then, the shallow ones that made me want to fly to Court and slap some sense into people.

_They are trying to take our guardians to help! No one cares if we're in danger!_

I hadn't visited Lissa's head in awhile. I knew the important things. She was alive; she was safe. But it looked like St. Vladimirs wasn't the only victim of Strigoi. Other schools had been attacked. Strigoi were closing in.

Christian had finally found her in the crowd of chaos. Most people weren't up yet on a normal day, but this wasn't a normal day. Court was the closest to St. Vladimirs and people were scared. His grim expression told her that it all was true. For a second he just held her.

Strangely, I felt sort of responsible. St. Vlad's had been my school. It had been my home for most of my life. I'd made my friends there; I'd met Lissa there; Lissa had met Christian; I had met Dimitri, my mentor. I felt like I should have been there to protect my home. But it wasn't my home anymore—I had graduated. It hadn't been my home since my mentor had been Strigoi, really. I was surprised to see that Christian and Lissa felt the same way, though not to the extent I did. The news was horrible. That was undeniable. But it meant more to us than it did to the other Royals, who feared for their life so extensively.

As I kept hearing what had happened, I grew angrier and angrier. Suddenly, I experience something I haven't in a long time. That fire I had honed so dangerously. It filled me up, and in that moment, I wanted to leave the house—against my judgment—and hunt down every Strigoi I could find. It was spirit, there again, making everything worse. I jerked out of Lissa's head, but her fear and my anger stayed with me long afterward.


	6. Chapter 6

I couldn't believe I was doing this, as I sat across the closest people I had for friends, a big—cheap—plastic table the only thing between us. They weren't bad. They were actually great, but Denis was the only one who could speak English, though both I and the rest of them had picked up words and phrases from each other. We could make a conversation work.

It hadn't helped that I just hadn't been ready to open my heart to anyone to let them in—I still wasn't. Lissa hadn't replaced me and I sure as hell hadn't replaced her. Denis was nice, and I could tell he cared about me and wasn't ruling out romantic attachment if I wasn't, which I was, but I couldn't make it anything more than that. It felt arrogant to say this, but it was true: Denis was too young for me, mentally. He needed me to point out what was reasonable—I usually didn't have that much of an idea of what was 'reasonable' than he did—and what was just stupid. Sometimes, he could just be an ass.

That wasn't to say that I didn't care about them. They had become my team. They weren't like Lissa or Christian or Eddie or Mason or any of my old friends, but they'd accepted me into their group, and it had meant a lot. They were the only family I had now.

After coming back to Russia, I'd made them all promise to not talk about me being with their hunting party, or even in Russia. Surprisingly, they had understood this. But the boys, besides being reasonably badass, were just teresterone-filled teenage boys, ready to jump on anything. It made them fun, but not safe. I had quickly become the leader in the group. Tamara was smarter, but she didn't have the power to kick their ass in gear like I did. I wasn't afraid to jump into things, like the boys.

But I was at the moment. It was the first time I had felt nervous since I left America. I had a crazy plan—one I was sure they'd turn down until I gave the full argument.

"I think we should hunt in America for awhile." Denis gave me an incredulous look. "There aren't as many in the states as there are here." I nodded. "True. But." I looked down for a second, trying to gather what I was going to say. "There's been an attack. At the school I attended. They don't have enough guardians. The amount they can take from Court won't even be enough. This is the second time it's been attacked. I think we should go and help out. We'll be killing Strigoi—and protecting younger moroi and dhampirs alike."

I knew they didn't feel the same way I did about moroi protection. They saw being a guardian as throwing your life in danger for someone who took you for granted. I saw it as duty, the only way to ensure the dhampir race survived. True, I wasn't a guardian—not any more anyway. I'm sure that title had been revoked when I had gone MIA. But that didn't mean I didn't believe in what they did. However, I also believed that sometimes, we needed to be on offense. That was why I had come to Russia. It was purpose to help me get over my own grief—one that would benefit others. I lived for it.

Denis interpreted what I said to the others. Tamara responded, her face gentle. "It's personal to, isn't it?" Her English wasn't great, but she had understood most of what I said. I can't help but be surprised by the kindness in her voice—the understanding. I simply nod. I can't believe how much I've taken them all for granted. The truth was, I never let any of them in. "It's more than just nostalgia. That was my home for so long. Maybe I even hated it half of the time, but it was a place I could depend on. I feel like I should at least try to protect it." That was true. The other reason was because I knew there were good people there. People that I liked. I had fought for in the first attack. Something about going back, protecting what had my home been for so long, appealed to me. Maybe it was just because it seemed noble. I don't know. I just felt like something was pulling me there.

"Then we'll do it. You're the man," Denis said. Artur and Lev grinned. I laughed and hugged Denis. "Thanks. Thank you so much."

Two weeks passed and we were on a plane to Montana.


	7. Chapter 7

I was really going back.

And I was completely freaking out.

All my life, plans made on impulse had been my specialty. But going back? Totally and completely unbelievable. I don't know why exactly. It wasn't like I was going back to Court. No one would even know I was here. I'd help and as soon as St. Vladimirs was in the clear I'd go back to Russia. Still, I felt uneasy.

Nevertheless, I made it through the front gates and signed myself, Denis, Tamara, Lev, and Artur, in as guests. Surprised looks met me everywhere I went. Maybe 3 years had passed since I'd been here and most everyone I had known had graduated, but I was a legend. I swear, I was asked "Hey, aren't you Rose Hathaway?" three times before I even made it to Alberta's office.

I knocked on her door. A few minutes later, she answered, her weathered face looking like she was seeing a ghost. Believe me. I had experience with that. It wasn't fun. "Hello, Guardian Petrov," I say, grinning.

"Rosemarie Hathaway. I never thought I'd see you again. Some students come back to see me, but you never struck me as the type. Besides, from what I hear, you're missing in action. Always moving. It's a wonder anyone can stop you." She says, her tone slightly teasing. Her face is grim however, and she's got a nasty shiner. She's been through hell. "You're right." I say. "No one even knows that I'm here. Oh, and, it's good to see you to." I surprise both her and myself as I pull her into a hug. She hugs me back, and I can see an interrogation of sorts coming on.

"I'd think you would've respected what I did for you when you returned from your last crazy vigilante mission, a little bit more. I thought you wanted to be a guardian. You might've even been Vasilisa's. There's not a chance of that now, you know. " Lissa's name spikes an ache within my heart. So does "crazy vigilante mission."

"I did. I still do. Thank you for that, again, by the way. I just…I couldn't stay at Court. I had something I needed to do. I'm not back. She doesn't even know I'm here. No one does. I'm still depending on that MIA status. I just heard about the attack and…" I trail off.

"Why did you leave, Rose? I know you don't do things without a reason." I can see it in her face—she really does care. My answer isn't something she wants to use against me or something she'll share with the other guardians. While she might not approve of the things I did and do, she respects me. She doesn't want to just know for the sake of knowing.

So I gave her the simplest answer I could. "Dimitri and I…didn't work out. I had to leave." There was no harm in telling her this, except that it hurts me to say his name, and I'm sure it shows in my voice. I picture it all over again. _Love fades. Mine has. _My eyes meet the floor. I can't look her in the eye. Dimitri had always said that I was a bad liar and that I wouldn't look someone in the eye that I knew while lying, and maybe that was true. Apparently it also had a tendency to mean I was trying to compose myself.

Alberta tilts my chin up, touching my cheek gently, but she won't look me in the eyes either. "I'm sorry." Is all she says—she doesn't condemn me or chastise me, like I had expected. People had a way of surprising me. They could drive you crazy sometimes, and then, out of the blue, make you realize that they weren't so bad. People had a way of working their way under your skin and into your heart. Or vice versa. With Dimitri, it had been neither. He had been in my heart and had never left it. I just hadn't been in his anymore. "So you heard about the attack and…?" I know she's trying to subtly change the subject, and I let her, looking up and meeting her eyes.

"I wanted to help." She understood—I could see it in her kind brown eyes. "I've been in Russia. Hunting Strigoi. I have a team I brought with me. I know I'm not really a guardian anymore, but I know you guys need help. I know that you're having to pull guardians from Court. I'm here to help." She now meets my eyes. "You're right. We do. But I'm sure you also know that the others won't accept you easily." I did. To the other guardians I would just be another drop out guardian—and I knew they would shun me because of it, whether I could help or not. I nod, showing I understand. "Well, I've got nowhere else to be. My plan was to stay until you guys were in the clear. Then I'd go back to Russia."

She says nothing, and I rethink the grim air around her—one that had only briefly disappeared when she saw me. "You think there's going to be an attack, don't you? Another one. And soon. How are they doing it? I know last time the magic used had negated the wards. How is it still happening?" She nods, and motions for me to sit down across from her desk. "I don't know. I'd say humans are staking the wards, but as you know, guardians walk the grounds more than once a day. Magic isn't happening anywhere near the wards. I don't know how they keep getting in."

I sigh, not being able to think of anything either. "I'm glad you're here. Whether they agree with the decisions you've made—whether I agree with the decisions you've made, even, no one can say that you don't know how to fight." A small, sad smile crosses my face. "I'll see what I can do. You're right. We need you. And whatever help you've brought with you. We need any help we can get. Go back to your room. Get some rest. I'll either find you or send you a message." I nod and stand up, and am almost out the door when Alberta stops me. "Rose?" I turn around, facing her. "Are you okay, really?" There's that tone her voice—the gentleness. I've taken everything I had before for granted, I realize. I'd been so heartbroken over Dimitri that I hadn't noticed how great Denis, Tamara, Lev, and Artur were or that there were other people that cared about me. I hadn't even thought about my parents. I'd even taken Lissa and Christian for granted. I hadn't realized how much I would miss them. Or how leaving Lissa would completely tear me apart. "Yes. No. I don't know. It depends how you define 'okay'. I still love him. It stills hurts me. Leaving Lissa hurt me to. But I'm managing. I'm getting there."

I can't believe how honest my answer is, that I've revealed that much of my heart. Especially to Alberta. I feel embarrassed to have lapsed in control like that in front of a guardian. Guardians were supposed to be tough. I might not be a guardian anymore, but any form of killing Strigoi meant that I needed to be tough. "Even guardians have feelings, Rose," Alberta says, looking even grimmer than before. I give her a small, sad smile and return to guest headquarters.

**(R&R!)**


	8. Chapter 8

_Rose._

_I'll be blunt and say that the guardian's are fighting the matter of you helping. I did however persuade them into meeting with you. The meetings today at 9. Don't be late. Also, leave your team behind. If they approve of you being here, there'll be another meeting then. _

– _Alberta. _

Alberta knew me pretty well. Her cheerful messenger knocked on my door around 6. It's too early to be cheerful. The covers look tempting, but I think I'd better not push my luck and hop into the shower. Guest rooms had their own bathrooms, unlike dorm rooms.

I feel exhausted. I have no idea what schedule I'm on anymore. Nevertheless, I actually make an effort to look decent today. I brush through the wet tangled mess I call my hair until it's straight. I almost smile as the tangles transform into thick, long waves of hair. After I left I butchered it all off until it didn't even reach my shoulders.

It was stupid, I realized later. It wasn't like I was getting payback from Dimitri. No revenge. It didn't hurt him. He would never even know I'd done it. Thankfully, it'd grown back pretty fast.

I even slab a little bit of moisturizer on my skin, surprising myself. I hadn't completely let my looks go to hell in Russia, but my appearance hadn't really been my top priority. Staying alive and slaying Strigoi had.

With not even a second glance at the mirror I'm out the door. I'm too keyed up to stay in my room any longer. I could go find Denis and the others, but I don't feel like explaining that I'll be going to the meeting without them. I know they'll object. I'll just tell them after.

Attempting to avoid them, I choose to visit the cafeteria. Eating takes less time than I thought it would, and once again, I have time to spare. It's 8 now, and I've got an hour to go. Figuring that volunteering might earn me some cool points, I help out with washing dishes.

Naturally, it isn't fun, but it has to be done, right?

**(A/N Something exciting is coming! Just you wait! R&R!)**


	9. Chapter 9

I should have sensed her when she entered the cafeteria. I should have sensed her when she entered the school, even. Hell, I should have known when she left Court. But I hadn't visited her head since I'd heard about the attack. She was filled with sorrow and shock—and I hadn't needed that on top of my own troubled feelings.

But as I felt a spark of emotion, I dove into her head and saw…myself. She was standing on the other side of the cafeteria, eyes locked on me. Those jade green eyes stared, and her body trembled a bit. Christian stood by her side, looking equally shell-shocked.

After I processed my initial shock, through her eyes, I saw just how ragged I looked. My clothes weren't torn or anything, but they had a worn look to them. I understood it—they'd been from the local thrift store in Russia. It was more in my face and body, however. My face was less round and soft than it used to be, she noticed, and seemed to be set in a hard mask. My skin was just as tan as it had been when I left, but it didn't look as ready to smile as it used to. I had a bruise on my cheekbone, though I had no idea what Strigoi it had come from. I noticed, with a start, that I had lost some weight, too. Whatever baby fat I'd had before was replaced with lean hard muscle. I still had my exotic curves, thank god. The biggest change that she noticed was my eyes. My soft, playful eyes had a haunted look to them. They made me look older than any of the other changes. Then, within seconds, my face transformed into a shocked and somehow blank mask she didn't know. I dropped the plate I held, not caring as the shattered pieces hit the floor.

For half a second I expected her to run over, tackling me, giving into the emotions the bond told me she felt. _Happiness…Relief….Acceptance…_But then there were other emotions she felt, ones that overwhelmed the ones I so needed her to give me. _Anger…Disbelief…Pain…_And then, something I'd never expected to be the cause of: _Fear._ Fear that I'd leave her again. Anger that I hadn't cared enough to stay, or to at least tell her I was alive when she had spent endless nights alone and afraid. She'd figured out what I'd left to do. Disbelief that I was even here.

But no, she didn't do what I expected. She walked away. I could feel that it was the hardest thing she'd ever done. Walking away from me wasn't easy, even if I'd walked away from her. And as she did, my heart shattered all over again, just like the plate.


	10. Chapter 10

I knew it was better this way. I would leave her again; I would hurt her again. She had done so many things for me and I couldn't even stand to stick around long enough to be there for her. I wanted to find her. I  
wanted to take her into my arms and beg for her forgiveness. I wanted  
to guard her. In that moment, I wanted everything I had in the  
beginning: my best friend. It didn't matter what it cost me, if I was  
hurting the very one I'd sworn to protect relentlessly, right?

Surprisingly, I even felt a little bit of anger swell up in me. How  
could she not understand? She knew how I felt—She felt the same thing with Christian. Were my actions completely off base?  
As she walked away, her feelings take a decidedly dark turn. Seeing  
me stirs up everything she's blocked off from herself. And  
then…there's a little bit of hope, too. And then guilt. What if I had  
come for her, only to have her push me away? Either way, she still  
doesn't come back. In fact, I can feel her summoning spirit to shut me  
off from her. She doesn't know for a fact that I'm in her head, but  
she knows me well enough that she figures I am. I can still feel her,  
but her thoughts and feelings are obscured from me. That hurts almost  
as much as when she walked away.

Shit. 8:50. I apologized for the plate and went on my way, locating the guardian's headquarters. I so didn't need this. I needed to concentrate. But really, did I want to stay? Knowing Lissa was here and that she wanted me gone? No. But, wouldn't it be selfish to go? When I knew people here needed whatever help I could give them? Yes. As I walked to the other side of campus, I could even see the grim expressions and even sense the sorrow and pain in the air. Their hearts were broken. I fit in here. I realized, with a start, that it was more than just sorrow. It was hopelessness, as well. So like the hopelessness I'd felt from Dimitri. St. Vladimir students had lost hope. They knew another attack was coming-they could feel it in the air. And they were angry. They wanted to strike out. But then, there was something that said they didn't think they could.  
Thank god. I enter the place where we're supposed to be meeting five minutes later. I'm five minutes early, yet everyone is here. There are no chairs, just a stage and then a block of empty space. "Hello, Rose," Alberta says kindly. I smile and join her on the stage. My eyes search the crowd, hoping to find a smile from a guardian who remembers me. Not one. In fact, one guardian I know very well looks as if this is a waste of his time. Stan Alto.  
"Welcome, everyone. We have gathered to discuss the matter of allowing Guardian Hathaway and her team aid us as we struggle overcome the recent attack. I realize that some of you are concerned because of Hathaway's ah, previous actions. As I've said before, I believe that we can use all the help we can get. Guardian numbers have dropped too heavily not to. " No one seems to outright disagree exactly, but they look...what was the word Alberta had used? Concerned.  
"Miss Hathaway is no longer a guardian, Guardian Petrov. Her status was revoked when she neglected her duties for what, a third time? Perhaps for two of them she was plainly a novice, but still, she hasn't showed any real loyalty to Moroi or the Guardians." Stan's words drip with vehemence and scorn.

It takes a great restraint for me not to tell him to screw off. Or hit him. Yup, he's still the same asshole I knew and loved before.

"She isn't the only one without guardian status, Stan. Yet I'm still here."  
My eyes are pulled from Stan to the door, where another dhampir stands. And he isn't just another dhampir. And like with Lissa, I can't believe I didn't notice him the second he entered the building.


	11. Chapter 11

Whatever resistance I'd honed in Russia for not thinking about the memories we'd shared was completely shattered, I knew. It was obvious as I stared into a pair of brown eyes—eyes that stared right back. Eyes that I once had loved. Hell, eyes that I still loved. As I stare into them only seconds pass, but it feels like an eternity. I see our memories flash before my eyes. When I'd met him. Our practices, where I'd produce a bout of "Rose logic" and he'd counter it, with a mix of amusement and exasperation. The cabin, where we'd made love; where I'd known for sure that we were meant to be together. The caves. Siberia. Every laugh, smile, touch, kiss…coming right back. And then, the inevitable: when he told me that his love for me had faded. It was like watching a slideshow of my life. Maybe it had only been two years, but we'd lived a lifetime in it.

Lissa and Christian were behind him, not looking too surprised to see me here.

I wipe whatever emotions I'd had on my face away. I don't need this. I really, really, really don't need this. Seeing Lissa had been bad enough, especially with her blatant rejection—but this?

"Being turned into a Strigoi wasn't your fault. You didn't choose it. Hathaway however, neglected her duty by running off to play bloodwhore." Whoa. No one could believe he'd gone that far. It was at my expense—but it wasn't just me it affected. It was an insult to every dhampir who had ever left the guardians to raise their children—which I realized, with a start, was a few of these guardian's mothers. Most guardians were foreign, and I'm surprised to see that a lot of their families believed a lot like Dimitri's family did. And boy, did it piss me off. He'd just accused me of banging Moroi men while I had been fighting Strigoi, unlike him. While I'd been walking the line between life and death tediously. Guardians were exchanging wary glances, and Dimitri….well Dimitri was pissed off—even more than I was. I could see him shaking. What Stan had said had hurt him even more than it had me. I could even see anger kindling in Alberta's eyes. "Hey!" Lissa yelled, surprising me. So she did care. Of course she did. "Don't call her that." She warned, but it was futile. "Yeah." Christian said. "That's completely uncalled for." Not the best comment Christian could of come up with, considering he's King of retaliating assholeness.

Whatever control I'd had snapped. I didn't even think about the consequences as I strode up to him and punched him so hard he stumbled back a few feet. A rational part of me was surprised he hadn't blocked my hit. But then I realized that he really hadn't expected me to do anything. He'd underestimated me, clearly.

The guardians had surrounded me as soon as I hit him. I think some of them were actually smiling. Still, restraining me was their duty, which was kind of funny, seeing as Stan was actually trying to come after me while I stood still. "Let them go," Alberta ordered, and they did so instantly, but looked confused. Honestly, I was to. "Have something else to say, Stan?" She asked, her voice cool and collected—had. "Or you, Hathaway? Go ahead."

Oh, I had tons of things I wanted to say. They wouldn't help, but she'd said to go ahead. I might as well get it out of my system. Stan was walking toward me, and in a flash was on the offensive. "Do I look like a bloodwhore to you, Stanny boy? Huh?" I yelled, my leg snaking out and hitting his knee, resulting in him faltering and almost falling. Almost. He responded with a right hook, which I promptly dodged. We both gave and received hits—him more than me. It was more than just me being faster. Stan was worn out. All the guardians were. His face was concentrated—and pissed—but the marring there was impossible to ignore. I couldn't really see the rest of his injuries, but I knew none of them were in peak condition. Like Lissa had concurred, I had a few visible bruises as well. To her I looked like my entire being had changed. To those I knew well, I'm sure it had. But in no way was it compared to the other guardians. Their faces were set in unreadable and grim masks, except for the twinkle of anger in their eyes. They too wanted to fight back. For a brief moment, they looked amused, happy even. Our brawl had been the only "fun" entertainment they'd had for awhile.

I suddenly understood why Alberta hadn't cared if we'd fought. She surely didn't want either of us seriously injured. But this, as masochistic as it was, provided the guardians with a distraction they needed. My eyes inevitably flickered toward Dimitri and my best friend, and I realize, with a start, that they too had figured out what Alberta had intended.

The dance continued—until Stan became distracted with his big fat mouth. "You left your Moroi. That's worse than being a bloodwhore. You've disgraced our world." He was right. It was. I knew because I'd been a bloodwhore before. It had killed me to do so—it had killed every ounce of self respect I'd had for myself. But leaving Lissa? That had broken my heart. All the self respect in the world couldn't change that. I was disgraced. I could feel anger come through the bond. Lissa might hate me, but he was pissing her off. Dimtri's face was a storm cloud, which I didn't understand.

I'd said before that I would not let this jerk make me cry. Now, it was harder than ever; he was pushing my buttons, securing my insecurities. "You're right," I said, eating my pride, my face feeling cold. Stan's face showed pure surprise and delight. This was exactly what he'd been hoping for. Honestly, I think everyone was surprised. I wasn't one to give in—especially in heat of battle. He'd hit a nerve. "You're exactly right. Congratulations. But-" I unearthed a dangerous grin, successfully pinning him to the ground, where I straddled him, looking him straight in the eye. "But," I repeated, "you should be careful because with or without my 'disgrace' I can still kick your ass. Don't underestimate me." I gave it a few seconds, letting it sink in. Then I climbed off of him, still grinning. I walked back up to the platform. For a second he looked like he wanted to provoke me again—and then thought better of it. He stood up, dusting himself off melodramatically. "You shouldn't underestimate me either, Hathaway." With a haughty laugh, I began speaking.

"Guardian Alto is right. I'm not a guardian, and I abandoned Princess Vasilisa Dragomir, who was supposed to be my charge, though after countless ah, repercussions, I had no evidence of that happening. It doesn't change the fact that I left and had no intentions of returning to the guardians or the Princess. You all have no reason to trust me. And you don't have to. The only thing you have to trust is that ridding the world of Strigoi is the most important thing for me and my team. This was my home for a long time. It means something to me." It surprises me that I truly mean my words—something that hadn't happened in a long time. "Face it—none of this is about me. The truth is that you all need help. We can help."

Minutes ago I'd contemplating leaving. But now, with Stan and the other guardians trying to scare me off I wanted to dig my feet in. Alberta knew it. Hell, even Dimitri knew it, who was now _smiling. _

Alberta smiled at me and stepped up on stage, looking out to the other guardians. "I think what Guardian Hathaway is trying to say that her being here is a sense of 'the greater good'. You might not like her or trust her, but for the sake of our school, I think we have to accept her and her team—and understand how generously they have descended upon us." I decide then that I love Alberta. When everyone one else shut me out—against the odds—she was still clearly on my side. I wanted to hug her. That might ruin my badass reputation though.

Eventually the meeting ended—thank god—and the guardians began to disperse, off to their daily duties. There would be another meeting later tonight where my team would be introduced and "jobs" would be handed out. I wanted to thank Alberta before I left—but she wasn't making it easy. She mingled with the other guardians, and to my surprise, Moroi. Lissa and Christian were here of course, but they weren't the only ones. A few Moroi teachers were here to. Apparently I had been a bigger liability in their eyes than I thought. So I wait patiently, leaning against a wall, trying not to look too obvious about my gawking. I don't think I was the only one.

Dimitri was talking to Alberta now, and the way their eyes kept darting towards me it was logical to think I was the subject of their conversation. A part of me kind of wants to join them, but the other part tells me to keep my mouth shut and keep my distance. The smaller the Dimitri exposure the less pain I'll have to deal with later.

They aren't the only ones looking my way. Lissa and Christian stand on the other side of the room, Christian not even attempting to hide his glances. The room is still busy, but people aren't attempting to seek me out. You're the social one, Rose, Lissa used to tell me. I guess in a way I was. I hadn't completely lost my ability to talk to people unflinchingly, but I was out of practice. For the last two years my life had been about fighting and death. When I hadn't been involved with those two things, I'd wanted to be alone. Denis and the others tried to pull me into their group, but it wasn't something I had been interested in. Yet, they still seemed loyal to me.

This is stupid, I tell myself. Hiding away. I'd done enough of running away from my problems and pain—maybe it was time to face it, to gain back some of the social ferocity Rose Hathaway had been accustomed to.

Keeping my head held high, I make my way over to Lissa and Christian. What I really wanted was to go see what Dimitri and Alberta were discussing, but I wasn't ready to see him or interact with him yet. Maybe never. The rational part of me told me that I'd have to eventually. But the thought of playacting, pretending that I didn't still cry over him like the pathetic exgirlfriend I am makes me want to go curl up in a ball and die. "Hey.." I say, filling the awkward space. Lissa looks uncomfortable, but I can tell there's more to that through the bond. Her anger over Stan and shock and other turmoil of emotions distracted her from blocking me out. She wants to know, but she's too tired. It takes too much effort, and she knows I know her well enough to figure out most of it without the bond, anyway. Christian gives me a tentative smile. "Well hello. I really like the way you just handed Stan's ass to him. Very well thought out, I'm sure Hathaway?" I let a small laugh escape my lips, and I want to hug him for trying. "Hmm. I guess you could say that, Ozera," I say, copying his tone. "Maybe not so recently, but in the past? Very, very, very well thought out. I used to dream about it every night. It feels good to make it reality." I smile softly, trying to push as much Rose Hathaway bravado into my words as I can.

An awkward silence falls once again, and I feel the urge to fill it, something I hadn't felt in awhile. "So…uh, how are you guys? It's uh, been a long time." My words are worthy of a drunk person's eloquence, but it pushes Lissa to talk.

"You don't have to act like you care, Rose. Besides, it's not like you don't already know." Her words are cold, but I can tell that she deeply wants me to care. Some part of her tells her that I do care—that it's ridiculous to think that I don't. That part is right. It is. Christian gives me an apologetic glance. He understands. Crazy, smartass Christian understands. Probably because he's a lot like me.

"I know I can't ask for you to forgive me. You have no reason to—after how I've treated you—I'll just hurt you again if you do. You're right about the fact that I do know. I wish I could take it all away. As soon as St. Vladimir's is in the clear, I will. I'll go back to what I was doing before and so will you. I won't bother you anymore. I won't hurt you anymore." The words come in a rush. I notice then that the ache in my heart as started up again.

I want to tell her so many things. I want to tell her that she's my best friend, that I love her. That I wish so badly that I could hug her and feel nothing but acceptance and forgiveness and love coming through the bond. I want to tell her that as my best friend she should understand why I left, even if it wasn't right. I want to express everything that's going on in my heart—I want to pour it out to my best friend since...well, forever.

But I can't.

Dimitri joins us before I can flee. So much for avoiding him. For a second I can't concentrate on anything but his eyes, his face, his lips, everything him. It wasn't like when we'd met. This wave of attraction was lethal.

In my head, all I could hear was him telling me that he couldn't love me anymore—that his love had faded. I feel like it's the first time all over again. I contemplate fleeing, not caring much whether or not I look like a wimp. No, I tell myself. I can't run away. Not again. I'll have to deal with him eventually. Might as well be now. His eyes remain on my face, and it's so, so easy to believe that he's experiencing the same thing as me. I won't let myself consider that. I can't consider that.

Finally I make myself speak, not wanting to hear whatever biting retort my ex-best friend is sure to make or what Dimitri is going to say. "I…I just wanted to say thank you for sticking up for me. All of you. It…uh, means a lot."

Then, like the wimp I am, I walk away, not being able to stomach the powerful gaze de la Russian God. Screw my pride and cooperation. Lissa's emotions inevitably transfigure to sympathy, but as fast as it came, it turns them into anger and frustration. Like me she has experienced that anger makes things a lot less complicated.

"Run away. Run away like you always do. Even when people—even when I want you to stay. You could care less!" Lissa yells after me. I feel another piece of me falling apart, but I don't stop walking or even look back. She knows she's wrong—she knows I care about her. But in the end it doesn't change anything. My shoulders slumping and head down, I walk over to Alberta who is—thankfully—now alone. Rose Hathaway is stunned speechless…and afraid. This isn't like my best friend, my gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful best friend. Spirit and me are the only answers I have. Pushing it all out of my mind, I focus on Alberta.

"Are you okay?" Alberta asks, not giving me a chance to speak. I give her a small smile. "Is it that obvious?" She shakes her head and hugs me. "Thank you. For standing up for me. For everything." She just smiles, giving me a squeeze and letting me go. Suddenly, I miss my Mom. Maybe like all the other people in my life who continually surprised me, she'd surprise me and turn into something like this. Or like Olena, Dimitri's mother, who had fed me and provided me with wisdom and compassion as I'd struggled over Dimitri's "death". But I don't want that, not really. I just want her. "Go find your team. Debrief them on what's going to happen next. We'll meet again tonight." I nod and leave.

I don't find Denis and the others like Alberta suggested. Instead I trek back to my room, letting myself break down. All the wounds that had been patched up with time have been ripped open. Dimitri's appearance. Lissa's blatant rejection. Stan's righteous words.

Seeing Dimitri brought back everything I'd felt for him before and more. I'd thought seeing a picture or movie or hearing a song that reminded me of him was bad, but in reality, it didn't hurt half as much as this did. Every kiss, every touch, every reminder that I would never experience any of that again. Or even be able to think about it happily because it was possible that it was all a lie.

It was more than that. Lissa was in there to. Her rejection tore my heart apart. Through the bond I realized that it did hers to. Saying those things to me, thinking those thoughts…had hurt her to. Just as much as me leaving her had. I didn't dare go back in her head, afraid I'd have to look into those eyes again, eyes of a man who no longer cared whether I lived or died.

After hours of crying and hysteria I know I have to build my walls up again and face my team. So I do, not caring whether or not the red rim around my eyes is as obvious to them as it is to me. They're angry at first that I went through the first meeting without them, but eventually they simmer down, like I knew they would. I don't want to go to the next meeting, but I have to.


	12. Chapter 12

The meeting wasn't that bad. Lissa and Christian and Dimitri were all there of course, but I refused to look their way or acknowledge their presence if I didn't have to. Well, I wouldn't have minded talking to Christian, but we take what we get. We'd come a long way.

The guardians—Alberta—said that the most logical placement for me was to mentor. Preparing novices for the real world was essential to protecting our school. Like I'd said, we needed all the help we could get. 's novices were badass but still needed training. And besides, if all classes were going to be shut down, why didn't the students just leave for home? Would they be safer there or was there more safety in numbers? And finally, what would the students who shared a past like mine do? This was their home. The non royal Moroi? They had families, but was not being a target safer than being surrounded by guardians and wards?

I normally wouldn't have cared what I did. But a certain person was bound and determined to change that.

Dimitri would take up his old mentor role—except it'd be another student, not me. We'd be expected to work together. Dimitri had shown that he was a good teacher when he'd turned me into one of the deadliest novices around. I might not have the patience he did, but I was good. Really good. Just like Dimitri had with me, I had proved my worth when I'd dispatched Stan. Having a fellow guardian—not that we were guardians—to demonstrate moves would help a growing novice a lot. Twice the experience? Yeah. That would help any novice grow twice as deadly.

When I'd argued that being at the front gates was a better position for me because of my 'shadowkissed abilities' Alberta said that I'd do that when I wasn't "teaching." Translation: when I wasn't in hell. Great. I was going to spend most of my time with my "ex". What was that, 7 or 8 hours a day? Could I handle it?

Yeah, I'd done great when I'd just seen him for an hour. It was more than just the fact that I'd have to see him, day in and day out, knowing that he didn't love me and no longer gave a shit about me. I was scared. Scared that I couldn't handle it…That I'd slip up. That I'd have to deal with falling in love with him all over again. I couldn't handle that. I couldn't handle losing him all over again.

But like I was learning, I had no choice about any of it. I'd just have to deal and survive. That had always been my plan in the past. Would it work now? It'd have to.

"Okay." I finally said. Dimitri nodded as well. He'd argued too—but he didn't have quite the leverage I did. So instead, he'd argued to my benefit, saying that he'd witnessed my abilities and catching a Strigoi even by a second's surprise would be extremely beneficial. "I'll do it." Some people looked surprised—others like they just couldn't care less.

"We're wasting time. We'll roll with it. Right, Dimitri?" My voice broke on his name, but no one noticed—except for him. I could tell from the way his eyes automatically darted over to me and then to the floor, like he just couldn't bear to look at me. "Alright," he says, but he still won't meet my eyes. Good.

With that the meeting ended—kind of. At least the part where I was in the spotlight. For now they just strategize. Curfew has been set back and classes start earlier. A teacher will escort students to their classes. Little things that in the end could mean the difference between life and death.

Finally, finally, we're released. Hell will start tomorrow. I start to leave when someone touches my arm—Christian. "Hey. Hands off the merchandise," I say, using a line I'd used back in my novice years. He smiles, hugging me. It's the first time we've talked—alone. "How are you?" Christian asks voice serious. I have a feeling Lissa wants to know as well—even if she won't admit it. "You tell me. I look a little better than the last time you saw me, eh?" He knows that "last time" refers to before I'd left.

"Not much," he says, grinning evilly, laughing when I punch him lightly on his arm. "Seriously though. Are you going to be able to do this?" Once again I'm taken aback by his concern.

I'd just asked myself the question a little while ago. "I'll have to. I won't be able to live with myself if I act like a little brat when I know every move everyone makes could be the difference between someone's life and death." Maybe dramatic, but true. Christian might not completely understand, but I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. Maybe it's just a guardian thing. Or a dhampir Strigoi hunter thing...Ugh.

"Are you…Are you still..?" Ah. That's what he'd wanted to ask me; the question that had been burning in him—the question Lissa had secretly hid from me, I realize with a start. I give a bitter laugh, but my tone lightens a bit, becoming softer when I say, "Would you still love Lissa if you were me?" That makes it more complicated. I can see in his eyes that he wants to say no because he feels like I've been horribly wronged by Dimitri, though he still respects him in his own way. But when he thinks about Lissa the answer keeps coming through as yes. A small, sad smile plays upon my lips.

"Then you know my answer. Both of you do." He glances up, mild surprise on his face. I laugh. "I said I'd check in, didn't I? It's easier if I don't…but it's hard to stay away from. If I take the darkness regularly it keeps her normal and helps me control it better so it doesn't come out in large bouts." I kind of wish we'd get back to the small talk. It's easier and doesn't require as much thought. And less revealing of my soul.

"Thank you. For all of it," he says, voice sincere. "I got a 'thank you' from Lord Christian Ozera after a hug and assistance in protecting my glorious reputation. Hell has officially frozen over." He grins, also happy to get back to our usual banter. Something about it comforts me. Not everything has changed. "Don't get used to it, Hathaway."

Suddenly, a hand taps my shoulder, and I know who it is before I turn around. My body freezes up for a second, but like all things it passes and I turn around, meeting a pair of brown eyes. "Rose, can I speak with you for a second?"

Christian looks uncomfortable, and I can tell he's sending apologetic glances at my back. I'd like to say, "hell no" but since I'm slightly curious and know this has to work, I say "sure", like I'm not going to regret this conversation within exactly two seconds.

I follow him out a pair of double doors, and I become more and more edgy with every step. He wants to talk to me alone. Red flag. Red flag. We finally stop in a vacant hall. I start talking before he can start in with what is sure to be a bunch of bullshit.

"I want this to be strictly professional. I don't want to linger in the past or hear whatever half assed apology or insult you have for me. I'm sorry that you have to deal with me. Believe me, I don't want this anymore than you do. But it's kind of inevitable and I'd appreciate it if you'd cooperate with me. As soon as St. Vladimir's is in the clear I'm gone. You'll never have to see me again."

Dimitri flinches, looking surprised and maybe, just maybe, a bit hurt. What did he expect? Me to begin a speech about my unrequited love for him? Yeah. Right. "I just wanted to see how you were." Sure he did. And what did he expect me to say to that?

How was I? Really?

Broken. Useless. Alone. Clueless. Betrayed. Confused. Fragile. Depressed. Anxious. Annoying. Distant. Lonely. Lonely. Lonely. Bitter. Heartbroken. Rejected. Crushed. Empty. Defeated. Never good enough.

My answer? Fine.

Instead of having to lie I just say-throwing as much bitterness as I could into 9 words—"you don't have to pretend like you care, Comrade." Or ever did.

And like that, whatever hopes I had of remaining a blank, controlled statue are shattered. I walk away, slamming the door as hard as I can behind me. I can't help feeling guilty. He'd been nothing but neutral and I'd thrown it back in his face. I'd done it before, and I had a feeling I'd do it again.


	13. Chapter 13

I'd once read a book about a character who'd gone through a rough break up. Truthfully, I had skipped through it, not really having the patience to read the whole book. After all, one of the main characters was a vampire, so how good could it really be?

The main character had concluded that time passes. "Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me," she'd observed.

I'd committed it to memory, surprising myself. My memory wasn't the best, but I could truly relate with this girl. Time did pass. Even when it felt like you were slowly dying with every second that passed. Sometimes it was easier, sometimes it was harder.

This was one of the harder times, mostly because I felt guilty, even though Christian would definitely say I was being ridiculous. But I'd been suffering for two years because of Dimitri, and while it wasn't his fault, I'd taken my pain and anger out of him. I hope Edward Cul-whatever realized just how much damage he'd inflicted. He probably did, since this was a book and he was most likely supposed to be perfect and all. Dimitri was everything in my eyes—strong, kind, funny, compassionate, and simply badass. It was because of all those things that it hurt so badly to know that he didn't care. It was because of those things that I'd made it perfectly clear that I knew he didn't care.

I didn't sleep that night. I didn't want to. I didn't want to see Dimitri falling as Nathan's fangs bit into his neck or hear him saying he didn't love me anymore or see him falling off the bridge. I didn't want to wake up screaming. Considering what I'd face tomorrow, I kind of just didn't want to wake up.

My night was occupied with staring at an old photograph—one of Lissa and I back in Portland. It was Halloween. So much had changed since then—for one, Lissa hated me, and for two, she was better without me, something she had never been before. Lissa no longer needed me, and that hurt. Badly.

I had always been a force of nature—always ready to take care of people. And now, sure, I kept my team safe as much as I could—as much as anyone could—but other than them, I no longer had anyone to take care of. No one needed me. I could leave tomorrow and everyone's life would just return to normal. I'd never realized just how much I'd taken people caring about me for granted. I had assumed that they would always be there, no matter what I did to push them away or what external events did to turn my life upside down.

Her rejection hurt me more than she'd ever know. It had been my fault, but in the end, pain was pain. Her pain, my pain, Dimitri's pain—it didn't matter anymore. It never had. As long as you loved someone, it kept you tied to them. Love changed you. It made and shaped you. And in the end, it wasn't what hurt you. People hurt you. Rejection hurt you. Lies hurt you. Anything you let in could hurt you.

Maybe if I'd kept people out from the start I wouldn't hurt. But did I regret my relationship with Lissa and Dimitri? No. Absolutely not. And I never would. It had all been worth it.


	14. Chapter 14

My day started earlier than I wanted it to. Way, way earlier. My eyes feel dry and itchy from being open for 24 hours. With a single look in the mirror I know today could not possibly be a good day. No way in hell.

My eyes are irritated and show as much. The dark circles could be identified as a night without sleep from a mile away. My skin is paler than usual. And my hair…Please, just please.

With a little—and by little I mean, a lot—of concealer I begin to look half way decent. I have a feeling anyone I know will see right through it, but oh well. This situation sucked for everyone. And considering how the guardians looked so worn and beat up, I was one of the hottest things here.

Instead of running for the hills—like I wanted to-I made my way to the cafeteria. I still had a little time before I had report to the gym—ugh—and I was starving. I ate fast, knowing that with my luck, I'd be late. I wanted to be there before _him. _It was so stupid, so irrational…But hey, managing it all was better than giving in.

I didn't make it there before him. It was silly to think I had a chance. The guy was a god. He lived and breathed for speed and agility and…

Knowing that within a second I'd be under his gaze really didn't make me feel any less self conscious. While fighting allowed sexual tension, gym shorts and a tank top weren't all that sexy. Stop it, Rose. You don't want to be sexy around him. You have no reason to. This is ridiculous.

But I really did. I wanted to see his eyes study my appearance—I wanted to see a spark that told me he still was crazy about me. I knew he really didn't care, but god, it would have been nice to at least get some recognition once in awhile. Even if it was for your body and not your personality. God, I sounded like my old self.

"Hey," I muttered as I walked in. I still felt guilty about last night and couldn't help but wonder if he'd bring it up or treat me like a ghost. And by ghost I mean ignoring me and not scaring the hell out of me. The real ghosts preformed the latter effortlessly.

"Hello, Rose," he says, looking over at me for just a second. Unlike me, he looked sexy and godlike in every way. Of course, he always had. He looked a little older now, but he'd aged well, and he was just as beautiful as I had remembered. Silky brown hair, gorgeous brown eyes…a lean, hard chest, packed with muscle. I'd said before that he was hot. Like stopping in the middle of the street and getting hit by a car hot. And oh, I'd meant it.

Once again the attraction was absolutely lethal.

"So how is this going to go exactly, comrade? You'll have to show me the ropes. I'm not a badass mentor like you." Within a second I realized that I was acting like I had before all of this mess. Before finding out that he no longer loved me. And it felt…nice. The last few days had been packed with memories of the past. Every time I had looked at him I saw him take my world away from me. But now? I just saw Dimitri. For a second I feel like maybe all of this had been a dream. Maybe I had graduated and been sent back to St. Vladimirs to be a mentor, Dimitri had come back as well so that we could be together, finally.

No. He hadn't come back for me. I hadn't come back for him. We weren't together. He didn't love me.

Love, pain, lust, anger…It was all too much to handle. If I let myself grow comfortable again I'd pay for it. But god, it was so easy to let him in. What if we could be friends? What if maybe he could learn to love me again, or even just let me in? What if I could stay right here in this gym, content in spending every day with him?

Then reality set in.

What if he had found someone else in my absence? What if me giving up on him gave him all he needed to be able to move on guilt free?

What if this was all a façade and he just didn't care?

Completely possible.

The only thing I could be sure of was the fact that I was completely over thinking everything.

"It'll be different than when I mentored you," he says, as if completely oblivious to my change of attitude. I know better. I can see the gears working in his beautiful head. Everything I say, every move I make—all laid out for him to analyze. I thought I'd lost those moments where I knew exactly what he was thinking and him me. But as I stared at him, I knew for certain that we were just out of practice. We would always be in sync, no matter where our hearts were.

"Since we'll be working as a team we'll demonstrate and then split up personal training times. Students don't normally receive individual training. They learn from their peers in group sessions. They're gaining an advantage and will be able to advance in their training. The most we will have in a session is three students. The guardian's are keeping it small to keep that advantage and…" He trailed off.

"And because they don't trust me. You don't have to tip toe around it, Dimitri." I was thankful that he didn't say the words aloud, however. I knew the truth, but hearing him say it out loud would hurt. I only let my gaze travel to the floor for a second, but of course, he noticed. Like he noticed everything. Everything about me, at least.

Dimitri tilted my chin back up, and for a wild second, I anticipate what it would be like if he kissed me. What it would be like to be able to touch the flame we'd honed before. To experience the white hot passion I'd lived for.

72 hours and he was already getting to me. _You don't want this, Rose. It'll hurt you later. Don't let yourself hope. _But oh god, I wanted it. I wanted that kiss more than anything in the world. More than I'd ever wanted anything.

I really didn't have anything to worry about though because just as quickly as he had touched me he dropped his hand. I could swear his hand was shaking. What the hell? He didn't want me anymore. Why would this effect him?

Whatever the reason, the same curse overcame me. I was too dumb to speak. Hell, I was too dumb to think of anything except for the fact that _he'd _been about to kiss me. I had just been seconds from touching his lips…

Thankfully, Dimitri broke the silence while I sorted out my thoughts unsuccessfully. "If it helps, I think they are being ridiculous. You're better than just about anyone here. They need you. They aren't in any place to pick and choose."

His words surprise me, even though they probably shouldn't. Things had changed so drastically. Two years ago he hadn't wanted _anything _to do with me. But now he was actually trying to work in my life. If he could just pick a side…Now that I'd experienced it I really badly wanted it to be this one. He was _my _Dimitri. My instructor. Lover. Equal. "Thank you. Really. You're probably the first person to actually understand why I'm here and accept me except for Alberta. And well, Christian. Lissa…Stan..We'll I won't even get started about them. So…thank you." I was rambling, but I think the message went through.

"Anytime," he says. "Don't even waste your time worrying about Stan. He.." The bell rings and our students arrive, cutting off whatever he would have said.

The day had begun.


	15. Chapter 15

Introductions were in order, and I couldn't help but feel out of place here. I was neither student nor staff. When they asked who I was, would telling them my real story encourage them to do the same? Dimitri had said a long time ago that the younger students looked up to me. What did my being here look like to them, really?

My blatant insecurity notwithstanding, I couldn't help but feel for Dimitri. Some of the students remembered him from when he was here—but they also had heard about his transformation back into a dhampir. _Everyone _had heard about that. Obviously, they knew he had been a Strigoi. And maybe if I didn't know Dimitri, if he hadn't been my mentor, if I hadn't known the guilt that tormented him after the fact, I would have treated him like a science project to.

Naturally, the second our students came in the door they started asking questions. "Oh my god," the only girl in our group said as soon as she'd entered, covering her mouth. The two other boys looked equally shocked. The girl might not know how to keep her mouth shut, but at least she wasn't cowering in fear like the boys were. She at least had some nerve. "You used to be a Strigoi! Oh my god. What was it like? That...is epic. The guardians trust you? I mean, no offense, but you were Strigoi. Aren't they afraid you're going to, I don't know, turn on them? Were you turned against your will?"

Anger coursed through me. I might have absolutely no idea what had been going on between him and me a minute ago or still be brokenhearted over his rejection, but this was unacceptable. There was something about this girl that clicked. I didn't know her, but I knew someone just like her. Jill. The rambling was almost comforting, despite the awful things she was saying.

I should probably keep my trap shut, but one look at Dimitri chased away that rational thought. His eyes were blank—to everyone but me. I could see the deep agony behind his irises. He paled a bit, and—was he shaking? Whether it was with anger or aguish I don't know, but I'm not slow. Serious damage had been inflicted.

My protective instincts took over. It took great restraint to not go up and hit her. The never ending darkness made everything worse. Dimitri started to say something, casting a glance at me. I probably had that I'm-going-to-punch-someone face I'd honed in school. I cut him off. "What happened in the past is exactly that—the past. The guardians are smart enough to understand that. He isn't a Strigoi. You shouldn't let your mouth insult someone who could incapacitate you within a second." My words were hard and cold—threatening. The girl flinched and the guys backed up a step. Dimitri looked astonished. I don't know if it was because I defended him or if he was shocked I kind of sort of threatened her for him. Or maybe the threat about incapacitating was from me. After all, I'd gotten angrier than Dimitri had.

A few seconds of awkward silence passed until Dimitri broke it. "Like Rose said, it's in the past." The girl's surprise grew. Did she know who I was? "I knew it was you. You're Rose Hathaway. You used to go here, didn't you?" This was an innocent question. Her tone sounded like she was kind of afraid to talk to me anymore. I nod, really hoping I won't hear on the elementary school campus that I killed her. "Now who are you guys?" The red head happened to be named Aubrey. The two guys were Will and Nathan. Dimitri and I had both flinched over the last one. I knew anything that reminded him of his Strigoi past hurt him—like me, for example. But I think in the end, I was the one who'd had to force myself to not start trembling.

Aubrey was a lot like Jill in some ways: shy, hesitant—not quite sure of herself. In other ways—mostly her appearance—she was kind of like me. Her hair was long and thick like mine, and she had a large chest, that undoubtedly meant that a few Moroi guys had her on their radar. She was slim and pretty, with gorgeous green eyes to match.

Nathan—ugh—and Will were kind of shy, but it was obvious Will was head over heels in love with Aubrey. Will was nice looking to—not overly attractive, but then, I was biased. He had reddish hair as well, but it was short and never seemed to lay flat. Painstakingly, I realized that he was a dead ringer for Mason, a friend who'd been in love with me as a novice. I no longer felt guilty over his death, but still, it kind of stung. I hoped Aubrey would treat him better than I had Mason.

Nathan was hard to figure out. He seemed nice, but most of his humor was kind of egotistical and sarcastic—if that was possible. He was kind of bulky, with brown hair that had a kind of shaggy look. Every time I heard his name I saw an evil face filled with malice with red eyes. It was silly, but I couldn't help it.

Today we were covering stakes. Lucky bastards. It had taken Dimitri _forever_ to finally let me use a stake. To even touch one. I thought I saw a glimpse of amusement in his eyes.

We 'd demonstrate for them first and then let the try it on each other—with practice plastic stakes, of course. I volunteered to "play Strigoi" as soon as the words had left Dimitri's lips. I didn't know if that had qualified as traumatic, but I didn't want to see that look of anguish on that perfect face ever again. Dimitri and I had always been a good team—and it showed. He looked at me—he looked grateful.

We were both on the offensive. I think back to when I was in school—I knew all of his moves. And he knew mine. I'd forgotten how good he was, how he could strike out like a cobra.

It was like a dance, the way we struck out, hitting and deflecting. Every time he touched me I felt electricity course through my veins. I felt…_alive. _More alive than I ever had. White hot passion filled me up. It might leave me feeling cold and alone after it left, but in that moment, I didn't care. I hadn't realized how much I'd been missing. Feeling like this, felt so _good. _I felt no pain, mentally or physically, though Dimitri landed a few punches on me. My breath was heavy, but it had nothing to do with the strenuous activity, unless lust counted as strenuous activity.

It was animal passion. It was lust. It was yearning. It was…life. Once again, the attraction was absolutely lethal. Nothing could control it. My face felt flushed. Minutes passed until he finally staked me with the plastic stake. Hard. Harder than he'd needed to. With as much force as he'd use against a Strigoi. Yeah. It hurt. I'd have a bruise. It was like he thought I was a real Strigoi. One look in his eyes told me I'd guessed right.

They were wild. He lifted the stake back up and for a second looked like he was going to stake me again. And again. He'd lost all sense of rational thinking. It was like he was hallucinating—he didn't see me. He saw a Strigoi—something he had to stop. He saw what he had been. By killing Strigoi did he think he was killing that part of himself?

All I could think was that if he didn't stop I'd end up with something broken and he'd end up looking like he'd gone mad. "Dimitri. Stop. It's me." I said the words gently as he raised his arm back to "stake" me for a fifth time. Anguish and hopelessness and rage and a thousand other things radiated off of him. I could feel that my eyes were wide and afraid—and after a second, recognition flashed in his brown eyes, and his eyes widened and he practically leapt off of me. He looked…scared.

Aubrey, Nathan, and Will looked kind of scared to. I went on like nothing had happened, letting Dimitri gather himself. My chest hurt, but I ignored it. I slowly demonstrated how you would go about staking a Strigoi—on a dummy this time. All thoughts of animal passion faded. For once, Aubrey stayed quiet.

The hour bell rang and they went off to their practices. Dimitri wouldn't look at me. He'd gathered himself to the point where he appeared to be fine, but I could see the fear and anger and pain in his eyes. It made me ache to, and this time it had nothing to do with the bruise. He provided insight on how to stake a Strigoi, and we demonstrated the act, but it was nothing like the first time. He barely tapped my chest. The look in his eyes never left.

Finally, finally our sessions ended and I was to go complete my shift at the front gates. I turned to Dimitri. "Are you okay?" It was a stupid question, and his answer would probably be a lie, but I wanted to hear him say it, even if I knew the real answer.

"How can you worry about me? I'm the one who almost staked you to death." His words are bitter.

"Hardly. Besides, it's not like it was a real stake. I'm fine." What did he expect me to say? Did he want me to condemn him? I wouldn't do that. There was nothing to condemn. And for his first question…well, he knew that answer. Or he should.

"You can't do this, Rose. You can't act like nothing happened." I wasn't acting like that—that's what he didn't realize.

When I didn't say anything, he looked at me for a few seconds and left. I looked at the gym, remembering all the memories we'd shared here, before things had become so complicated. Well, they'd always been complicated…but not _this _complicated. It made my chest ache, and once again, it had nothing to do with the bruise.

Dimitri hadn't gotten over being a Strigoi anymore than I had gotten over him. His tortured eyes and expression haunted me for the rest of the night. What a pair we were, both broken.

It didn't make me love Dimitri any less. It made me love him more—it made me want to help him. To make him let me in.

But I'd lost that right when I'd left him, giving up on him like he had me.

**(A/N Thank you all for your amazing reviews! Someone asked me about Eddie and Mia—don't worry, I have plans for them in future chapters. I'll try to upload a chapter every day, but I have family coming, so I might be MIA for a few. I'll try to hurry back! Thank you all for everything! R&R!)**


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 14

The days passed slowly. Dimitri wouldn't look or talk to me anymore than he had to. I began to actually try and think about how much he'd hurt me just to distract me from the agony in his eyes, but the effort was futile.

It'd been there since I'd gotten here; I think to myself, I just hadn't been able to see it. I'd wanted silence—I hadn't wanted to feel this way; I'd wanted to keep my guard up. It was dangerous to feel this way. It was dangerous to feel rejected because he wouldn't let me in and to want to do something, _anything _to take it all away.

Either way, I felt alive. More alive than I'd felt in two years.

The only time he'd talked to me willingly was the next day after the brief episode, where he'd asked me if I was "okay." I'd said that I was fine; that there wasn't a mark on me, brushing it off. I could tell he didn't believe that one bit, particularly when Aubrey and I sparred. He could tell I was hurting my way through it. Aubrey never got a hit on me, but certain turns and twists hurt a bit. I hid it as well as I could; only he noticed. He just knew me that well.

Dimitri became a rock of stone. What had happened had shaken him up beyond immediate repair. He put on an air of confidence and ease around the students, and after a few days they forgot the incident and stopped acting like they thought he was insane.

I could see Aubrey developing a crush and couldn't help envying her. My life had been so much easier when all I'd felt was a crush, a crush on my older mentor. She was completely oblivious to everyone around her.

I felt particularly bad for Will. He was so much like Mason. Maybe quieter and more concentrated, but he had a light air about him that drew me in. His affection for Aubrey became even more blatant. Every time I was around him I got flashbacks from the ski lodge. Moments where I'd led him on; led him on to think I felt the same way when really, Dimitri held my heart. And then when he'd died. He'd come back for me and he'd paid for it. I got out and he didn't. Would Will share the same fate? Always loving someone but it never being enough? I even knew what that was like.

Nathan refused to crack. It was obvious that Will was his best friend; whatever he said seemed to be directed toward him. As the days passed he began to remind me more and more of Dimitri. He had a fire within him; I could see it in his eyes. He was quiet and thoughtful. I knew there was more to his story.

I could find little bits of myself and my past in everything I touched or saw. It felt like someone was getting a change to live my life from the start.

And me? I feel ill. My feelings are all over the place. I'm living in the past—something I haven't let myself do in years. Every time I walk through the gym doors I feel like I'm 17 again. I feel like I did in the beginning, giddy, expectant. I look around and once again I get flashbacks. That spot over there I stole a forbidden kiss. The one over there he told me never to cut my hair, and I fell head over heels in love with him, even if I hadn't realized it yet. He'd forced me to run laps around that track.

Then I'd see him, and my heart would shatter all over again. Yet, even so, though my heart ached I felt peace around him. I felt safe. Dimitri had always been a balm to me. Everything he did or said was a gift; a treat I'd resisted for what seemed like an eternity, no matter the awful things he said or the hopelessness around him.

Nevertheless, the days passed. St. Vladimirs began to feel like home again. To me, at least.

"I don't like this," said Denis one morning as we ate breakfast. "It's like they're waiting for us out or something. Waiting for security to be lessened." He, like the other boys in our group, felt restless. This had to be the longest period of time they'd gone without killing Strigoi. Tamara even looked a little anxious. I considered his theory. It was possible.

Even Denis admitted that he thought they were doing good work here. He wanted to go back to Russia, of course, but he couldn't deny that. I'd wanted to go back; still did. I wanted some semblance of my normal life. But the thought of leavings things like they were…sucked.

The whole situation sucked. I wanted so many things, had so many questions with no answers. Dimitri had shut me out completely, not even attempting with a reasonably friendly charade. Lissa acted like I wasn't here, but I could always feel her. She helped out Dr. Olenzki with her patients, most of the time. In fact, it was almost like she never left the clinic. The amount of magic she was wielding was incredible. And dangerous. The more she used the worse it got. For me, anyway. I knew better, but what she was doing was amazing. And yes, I did it because I couldn't stand to watch her suffer.

I'd tried to, knowing it would probably be harder on me than her in the long run, but I couldn't do it. And she knew it as well.

_"Lissa? Lissa!" Christian yelled, shaking her gently. She'd broke off mid sentence. He'd been worried enough about her. She'd fainted from all the magic she'd wielded earlier. It took so much out of her, body and mind. She felt so weak, her emotions were flailing wildly out of control._

_ Her eyes opened slowly, revealing a pair of jade green eyes. "I'm fine. Better, actually." He looked skeptical for a second, but she began to gain color right before his eyes. _

_ "What the hell? You can't heal yourself can you?"_ _Lissa considered it for a second, then shook her head. And then reality set in._

_ She sighed, looking down. A mix of feelings overwhelmed her. "It's Rose. She's here. She's taking it away." Then she felt desperately worried. How was it affecting me? Was I okay? Would it hurt me more in the long run? _

I didn't wait that long again to check in. Every night I went in and took the darkness. It wasn't as bad as the first time. The first time I felt like I'd pass out I was so lightheaded. I'd never felt the physical effects before. They didn't scare me as much as the mental ones though—the ones that for now only came out in bursts.

The sound of a door opening startled me out of my thoughts. Dimitri walked in. What was he doing here? He never came in for breakfast. Well he probably did. It was just hours before I was awake.

To my disappointment, he walked toward our table. Denis instantly stiffened. What the hell?

"I'm sorry to interrupt. Rose, they want us in early. Apparently we have some people who want to see us. I was on my way to the gym when Janet stopped me and asked me to find you first." What the hell? My mind repeated itself. Who could be here to see me? To see us both? Were we in trouble?

"Okay. Just give me a sec." Whatever the reason, I stood up and walked over to empty my tray. In that short time Denis and the boys stood up, facing Dimitri. Tamara was the only one who kept sitting down. Anger radiated off of Denis. He obviously started this, and Artur and Lev just followed. What. The. Hell.

"You fucking asshole," I heard Denis snap, taking a step toward Dimitri. Dimitri seemed to understand more about what was going on than I did. If anything I thought Denis would looked surprised. I hadn't told him anything about the transformation. I guess I wouldn't have to. The world knew about it. He'd known Dimitri—everyone knew each other in Baia. Then I realized, with a start, with an exception of me, why Tamara looked so out of the loop. She'd lived outside of Novobrivisk. She wouldn't know Dimitri.

I didn't know what this was about, but I wasn't slow. I could see Denis fuming—he wasn't far from a punch. Dimitri looked…shaky. Uncertain. Something I'd never seen him before. I stepped in between them. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He looked incredulous.

"Are you fucking kidding me? He's the reason you've cried yourself to sleep for a year and you're asking _me _that?" So they had heard. Or at least he had. His voice was low, but I knew Dimitri could hear him. Dammit. I kind of wanted to slap Denis. But I couldn't. The rational part of me screamed that he was just trying to protect me. Somewhere along the way—even if I'd provided him with nothing—Denis had grown to respect me and actually care about me. That wasn't something to mock, even if it was turning him into a complete asshole.

Instead, I tried to be accepting and something of a semblance to being able to calm him down. "Denny, come on. I appreciate it, really. But honey, you can't do this. I don't want you to do this. Besides, you're scaring people." The next table over was trying to be subtle about staring. Yeah. Not happening.

I think it was the fact that he was so astonished by me calling him "honey" that made him sit back down, even though he still glared at Dimitri.

I squeezed his hand and gave a faint smile of thanks/warning and walked out, Dimitri following me. "I'm sorry about that," I said as soon as we were out the doors. "Denis is a little…overprotective. He has a good heart though. He means well, though most of the time it just comes off as him being an ass."

Dimitri didn't say anything and we kept walking. He held the gym door open for me, surprising me. It seemed so…normal. So innocent. Two things our lives definitely weren't.

As I walked through the doors I saw something that brought me to a standstill. Well it did, seeing as a girl with Dimitri's eyes had her arms around me and was crying profusely. "Oh god, Rose! I'm so sorry! I was so stupid! I can't believe I acted like that!" There were more words that left her lips but my mind sort of tuned them out.

"Mom?" I heard Dimitri ask.

Oh, shit.

**(A/N It feels so good to be back! Thank you all for your reviews and kind words. (: I had a nice time with my family, but yes, I'm glad they're gone and my routine can go back to normal. Remember to R&R!)**


	17. Chapter 17

"Viktoria?" The question sounded stupid, seeing as the girl squeezing the life out of me was clearly Viktoria Belikova. More like woman. "What are you doing here?" I ask, unable to keep the shock out of my voice. Meanwhile I returned her embrace and focused and wiping the tears off of her face.

I'd never planned to see any of the Belikovs again. Ever. In fact, I'd gone to great lengths to keep my being in Russia a secret. I had a number of reasons for doing this. I'd tried my best to stay clear of all things Dimitri. Who knew how much it would hurt to let any Belikov—or anyone—back in to my life? And then there had been the fight I'd had with Viktoria. She'd made it clear that she hated me for saving her from Roland and that I had no place in her life. Those words still hurt, and I hadn't wanted to risk the chance that she still felt the same way. That pain, however, was way down on the scale of things that had hurt me.

Dimitri was asking Olena similar things, among the several embraces. He was also watching me and Viktoria, looking confused. Actually, none of his family seemed to quite understand except for Sonya.

So this hadn't been a planned visit. A quick glance around the room told me that _all _of the Belikovs were here. Karolina and her son Paul. Sonya and her daughter Zoya, who looked about two now. Yeva.

And to my complete shock, there were four other people in the room. What the hell? "We came to see Dimka—we lost him once; we weren't going to take a chance and lose him again. And when we ran into your parents and friends at the airport we all decided we'd surprise the both of you," Olena says, voice warm but also fierce. Her Russian accent was thick. She looked so motherly it made me want to blush. Dimitri was already was blushing. He hugged Olena tighter, murmuring something in her ear.

There they were—my Mom and Abe. Standing across the room. From me. Looking mighty chummy, I might add. God…please don't let me have a sibling.

Just when I'd thought I couldn't be any more surprised. Eddie and Mia were also here. Also. Looking. Very. Chummy. What. The. Hell. In fact, it was more than chummy. Eddie's arms were around Mia. Who would have ever seen _that _coming?

Viktoria reclaimed my attention. "I'm so sorry Rose…I can't believe I said all of those things to you. I can't believe I didn't believe you. You have no reason to forgive me…after I treated you like that especially after everything you went through…especially after I gave you all that crap about Dimka..But I swear-" I cut her off. There was something so sweet about her, so earnest… Like I could possibly stay mad at her. She had the same effect on me that her brother did.

"Stop." I held her out at arm's length, studying her face. "Viktoria, honey,"—god, two honeys in one day—"you aren't the reason I left. There are…a lot of reasons for that." I gave Abe a_ look._ He'd better keep his mouth shut about our 'deal'. "Besides…I know you didn't mean any of it. People say things when they're upset—things they don't mean. I eventually would have left anyway. It's better that I did when I did." I could tell that she understood without saying the direct words.

Dimitri and the rest of his family were wrapped up in a blanket of happiness, happily chatting about the trip and how happy they were to see Dimitri and various other subjects. I could see a glitter of joy in his eyes—eyes that had been filled with pain for awhile. It made my heart skip a beat. His smile truly was amazing. I could also see that every second or so he'd glance my way. I gave him as best as a smile I could.

It made my heart swell with joy for him. I was letting myself fall into the danger range, but my heart didn't care much about what my mind thought.

It also made my heart ache with jealousy. I wanted that kind of acceptance. I wanted Lissa. Knowing he had something I'd never have again hurt. But mostly, I felt jealous of his family. Jealous that they could bring him that kind of joy when I couldn't. Jealous that they could have his love when I couldn't. Jealous that I was nothing and they were everything.

I force myself to remember that Lissa wasn't the only one who could accept me. I had a family, as small and dysfunctional as it was. My family didn't naturally consist of just my blood, either. Eddie and Mia and Christian, hell, even Alberta were all a part of my family to. And I loved the Belikovs. I loved Olena and Viktoria. I wouldn't harbor those kinds of feelings for them.

Viktoria gave me a bright smile, and I knew she understood that I needed some time with my parents and friends. She ran off to join her family and I went off to join mine.

My arms found my mother's short body first, and we both started crying—something my mother had only done once because of me. The last time I'd ran off on a crazy whim. "Why, Rose? Can't you just stay put? We were worried sick about you. Couldn't you have at least contacted me? Instead of leaving me hanging?"

Abe coughed. "Actually, she was worried sick about you. I knew you were fine. You aren't my daughter for nothing." My arms still held my mom tightly, but I looked up at Abe and laughed.

"Well, thanks for the vote of confidence old man. I guess there are worse fathers to have, after all." He just grinned in his evil sort of way, but his eyes were fond—particularly when they reached all 5 feet of my Mom. We were going to have to have _a talk. _

"I'm sorry Mom. I just-" She pulled back to look at me, wiping a tear off my cheek with her thumb. She finishes the sentence for me."-had to leave, had things to do, etc, etc. I get it by now. I wish you wouldn't have inherited your father's evasiveness. _Please _tell me you're back for good."

For a second I wish I could tell her that. A second later I convince myself that I actually want to go back.

But coming back had screwed _everything _up. I no longer could leave St. Vladimirs behind whenever I wanted to. I'd have to give those who had let me back into their lives a proper goodbye. I no longer could leave my old life completely behind. Everything was messy; all of my ends were untied. I should have never expected coming to be this easy. Nothing in my life was easy. I should have never tried to believe that coming to St. Vladimirs would be easy. I'd done so much damage.

"I'm…I'm just here for awhile. I'm helping out here. Then I'll go back to my normal life." Something caught in my voice.

She looked like she wanted to pursue the matter farther, but she let it go. I knew that meant we'd have a _talk _later. I secretly wondered how I could avoid that conversation as I _finally _made it over to Eddie and Mia, hugging them both tightly. "It's so good to see you both," I murmured, smiling. And it was. I hadn't realized in Russia how much I'd missed my old friends—even without Lissa involved.

I finally asked the question that had burned within me since the second I'd seen them. "When did," I gestured to both of them, "this happen?" They both blushed. I giggled. I actually _giggled._

They launched into their story—Mia launched, Eddie blushed—and I found myself being able to easily delude myself that this was normal for me. It used to be, but not anymore. Not since I'd left.

The Belikovs came over to listen and everything felt so natural. I piped in and supplied all the snarky comments in all the right places, gaining an incredulous look from Mom that made us all laugh hysterically. I hadn't laughed this much since…well, in years.

It turned out that Mia and Eddie had started hanging out the same way Dimitri and I had. If you could call our practices "hanging out". She'd wanted to learn how to fight hand-to-hand and Eddie had offered to give her lessons. One thing led to another and they'd started dating.

Mia gushed, especially when she got to when he proposed. He'd proposed when she'd least expected it—during a practice in the gym. She went in to every detail, and Viktoria "awed". Mom looked as if this was wasting her time. Abe looked amused. Eddie turned beat red. Olena, Karolina, Sonya, and Yeva—yes, _Yeva—_looked like they were lost in some memory.

I felt sad. And alone. Her story was too much like my own. What Mia and Eddie had had been all that I wanted and more. Love. Acceptance. A happy ending. But my prince didn't return that wish.

_Love fades. Mine has._

It was time for me to accept that and let my love fade. But it wouldn't. I'd sort of snuck up on Dimitri. I'd worked my way under his skin and into his heart. And by doing that, I hadn't just opened my heart, I'd given it to him, trusting him to keep it safe. He just…consumed me. No matter what happened, I just couldn't shake him. And I never would. Because I didn't want to.

I'd had everything everyone always wanted. I'd had a love that consumed me. I'd had passion and adventure, and even a little danger. I'd had someone who truly _got _me.

And now, as I saw everything Mia gained, I saw everything I'd lost. But really, what if I'd lost nothing? What if it'd been a lie? What if I'd been Dimitri's Mason? Or what if he'd just deluded himself into loving me?

Because surely, surely, a love like that didn't fade. He'd blamed it on being a Strigoi, saying that it had hardened his heart, making him incapable of loving anyone. Of loving me. Looking at the way he looked at his family, I knew that that wasn't true. True love didn't fade. Even if it had, that wasn't the case here. So either I didn't know what love was or Dimitri never had loved me.

Who was I kidding? There was no case. This was yesterday's news. Dimitri didn't love me. All that was left of us was me. Alone. All that was left was me being frozen. Never moving forward, never moving back. Just frozen in place.

I looked up from my thoughts to find Yeva looking at me. And then at Dimitri. She looked at me with sympathy. Him with disapproval. That surprised me. Yeva had never liked me. I hadn't really liked her. Why was she looking at me like that?

Dimitri was looking at me to. A moment passed, and I was sure an emotion I hadn't wanted anyone to see had found itself on my face. No one could see through my mask, I knew. Except him. And Yeva, I guess. The second thought was just creepy.

I looked away and focused back on the story. Mia was now talking about the wedding. And their future after that. Somehow, someway Eddie was going to be her guardian. That was rare since non royals almost never got guardians. All of the guardians and former guardians in the room raised an eyebrow over that.

Their future was uncertain still. After all, Eddie could always be pulled away for duty. But from the way he looked at her and she him I knew they'd make it work.

When they finished telling their story attention turned to me. They wanted to know what I'd been doing, why I'd left…I had no answers I could give them.

Before I had to play it off and demonstrate my "evasiveness" skills the bell rang. Classes were starting. Our group departed.

"Hey Rose, do you mind telling me where Lissa is?" Mia asked. "We'd like to go see her and Christian." I smiled and after a second told them she was in the cafeteria.

I don't know why it hurt so badly that I had to go through the bond to find the answer. I guess it was because once I would have known where she was just because I knew her. Now the bond was my only link to her. It was the only claim I had on her. And even it wasn't enough.

Olena, Viktoria, and Mom hugged me goodbye. It felt good. I had so little of that love in my life. I had to cherish it. And I did. I had a hard time letting go of those hugs. They all promised we'd talk later. Viktoria still looked at me slightly guiltily. I hope that'd fade.

I could feel Dimitri studying my face, analyzing my every word. Maybe I'd lost zombie Dimitri, after all.

Or maybe I was the zombie. After all, I seemed to be alone no matter how many people surrounded me. Dimitri had always been able to take that away. I'd never had to pretend with him.

But he was lost to me now.

**(A/N You wanted Eddie and Mia, and here they are! Please excuse any mistakes. R&R! Thank you for all your AMAZING reviews! Keep it up! I love you guys!)**


	18. ReUploaded Chapter 17

**(A/N. 5/23/2012. I re-uploaded this chapter to fix some mistakes. (The Zoya part)**

** Sunside: How embarrassing. Thank you so much for letting me know I screwed up there. I can't believe I didn't catch that. *slaps forehead* Should've had a v8. Thank you! XD**

** Mademoisellesnow: I'll do my best to keep uploading every day!**

** Chelseajaybaybeh: Dimtri's a stubborn one, but he can't be a rock of stone forever! Hmm…Maybe ;) Or maybe not ;) You'll just have to see. I'd hate to be dramatic but…well, that's a lie. I love being dramatic. XD I agree with you there! I'm not quite sure of how I'm going to make that happen, but I'm sure there will be more of them in future chapters. I'm trying to kind of figure Artur, Lev, and Tamara out, seeing as I've kind of given Denis the lead among them. We'll see, I guess! Oh and for your comment on chapter 16, I'm sure there'll be some Yeva/Dimitri in the future. I'm thinking of making a section in Dimitri's point of view. What do you think? Thank you for your review!**

** Kyoko minion: I'll see what I can do. I love Mikhail, but sadly, if I do have him in the story I don't know if he'll have a happy ending…I've thought about having Sonya be restored, but I don't know how that'll happen. Since Adrian isn't in my story the only known spirit users (that aren't insane) are Lissa and Oksana. If she were to be transformed it would be Lissa who did it, and I don't know how that would work out. Any ideas for me? I'd love to here them! Thank you for your review!**

** BellaCullenSwan17: You're awesome! Thank you for your reviews!**

** Blueberryoreo: Lucky for you, you aren't the only one! Rose and I have a lot of sorting out to do. ;)**

** Kaity, loventherussian17, CarlisleCullenfanatic, Ranim, and everyone above thank you SO much for your reviews! They mean the world to me! I love ya'll! 3 Please excuse any mistakes in my writing!**

"Viktoria?" The question sounded stupid, seeing as the girl squeezing the life out of me was clearly Viktoria Belikova. More like woman. "What are you doing here?" I ask, unable to keep the shock out of my voice. Meanwhile I returned her embrace and focused on wiping the tears off of her face.

I'd never planned to see any of the Belikovs again. Ever. In fact, I'd gone to great lengths to keep my being in Russia a secret. I had a number of reasons for doing this. I'd tried my best to stay clear of all things Dimitri. Who knew how much it would hurt to let any Belikov—or anyone—back in to my life? And then there had been the fight I'd had with Viktoria. She'd made it clear that she hated me for saving her from Roland and that I had no place in her life. Those words still hurt, and I hadn't wanted to risk the chance that she still felt the same way. That pain, however, was way down on the scale of things that had hurt me.

Dimitri was asking Olena similar things, among the several embraces. He was also watching me and Viktoria, looking confused. Actually, none of his family seemed to quite understand except for Sonya.

So this hadn't been a planned visit. A quick glance around the room told me that _all _of the Belikovs were here. Karolina and her son Paul and daughter Zoya, who looked about two now. Sonya and her baby. Yeva.

And to my complete shock, there were four other people in the room. What the hell? "We came to see Dimka—we lost him once; we weren't going to take a chance and lose him again. And when we ran into your parents and friends at the airport we all decided we'd surprise the both of you," Olena says, voice warm but also fierce. Her Russian accent was thick. She looked so motherly it made me want to blush. Dimitri was already was blushing. He hugged Olena tighter, murmuring something in her ear.

There they were—my Mom and Abe. Standing across the room. From me. Looking mighty chummy, I might add. God…please don't let me have a sibling.

Just when I'd thought I couldn't be any more surprised. Eddie and Mia were also here. Also. Looking. Very. Chummy. What. The. Hell. In fact, it was more than chummy. Eddie's arms were around Mia. Who would have ever seen _that _coming?

Viktoria reclaimed my attention. "I'm so sorry Rose…I can't believe I said all of those things to you. I can't believe I didn't believe you. You have no reason to forgive me…after I treated you like that especially after everything you went through…especially after I gave you all that crap about Dimka..But I swear-" I cut her off. There was something so sweet about her, so earnest… Like I could possibly stay mad at her. She had the same effect on me that her brother did.

"Stop." I held her out at arm's length, studying her face. "Viktoria, honey,"—god, two honeys in one day—"you aren't the reason I left. There are…a lot of reasons for that." I gave Abe a_ look._ He'd better keep his mouth shut about our 'deal'. "Besides…I know you didn't mean any of it. People say things when they're upset—things they don't mean. I eventually would have left anyway. It's better that I did when I did." I could tell that she understood without saying the direct words.

Dimitri and the rest of his family were wrapped up in a blanket of happiness, happily chatting about the trip and how happy they were to see Dimitri and various other subjects. I could see a glitter of joy in his eyes—eyes that had been filled with pain for awhile. It made my heart skip a beat. His smile truly was amazing. I could also see that every second or so he'd glance my way. I gave him as best as a smile I could.

It made my heart swell with joy for him. I was letting myself fall into the danger range, but my heart didn't care much about what my mind thought.

It also made my heart ache with jealousy. I wanted that kind of acceptance. I wanted Lissa. Knowing he had something I'd never have again hurt. But mostly, I felt jealous of his family. Jealous that they could bring him that kind of joy when I couldn't. Jealous that they could have his love when I couldn't. Jealous that I was nothing and they were everything.

I force myself to remember that Lissa wasn't the only one who could accept me. I had a family, as small and dysfunctional as it was. My family didn't naturally consist of just my blood, either. Eddie and Mia and Christian, hell, even Alberta were all a part of my family to. And I loved the Belikovs. I loved Olena and Viktoria. I wouldn't harbor those kinds of feelings for them.

Viktoria gave me a bright smile, and I knew she understood that I needed some time with my parents and friends. She ran off to join her family and I went off to join mine.

My arms found my mother's short body first, and we both started crying—something my mother had only done once because of me. The last time I'd ran off on a crazy whim. "Why, Rose? Can't you just stay put? We were worried sick about you. Couldn't you have at least contacted me? Instead of leaving me hanging?"

Abe coughed. "Actually, she was worried sick about you. I knew you were fine. You aren't my daughter for nothing." My arms still held my mom tightly, but I looked up at Abe and laughed.

"Well, thanks for the vote of confidence old man. I guess there are worse fathers to have, after all." He just grinned in his evil sort of way, but his eyes were fond—particularly when they reached all 5 feet of my Mom. We were going to have to have _a talk. _

"I'm sorry Mom. I just-" She pulled back to look at me, wiping a tear off my cheek with her thumb. She finishes the sentence for me."-had to leave, had things to do, etc, etc. I get it by now. I wish you wouldn't have inherited your father's evasiveness. _Please _tell me you're back for good."

For a second I wish I could tell her that. A second later I convince myself that I actually want to go back.

But coming back had screwed _everything _up. I no longer could leave St. Vladimirs behind whenever I wanted to. I'd have to give those who had let me back into their lives a proper goodbye. I no longer could leave my old life completely behind. Everything was messy; all of my ends were untied. I should have never expected coming to be this easy. Nothing in my life was easy. I should have never tried to believe that coming to St. Vladimirs would be easy. I'd done so much damage.

"I'm…I'm just here for awhile. I'm helping out here. Then I'll go back to my normal life." Something caught in my voice.

She looked like she wanted to pursue the matter farther, but she let it go. I knew that meant we'd have a _talk _later. I secretly wondered how I could avoid that conversation as I _finally _made it over to Eddie and Mia, hugging them both tightly. "It's so good to see you both," I murmured, smiling. And it was. I hadn't realized in Russia how much I'd missed my old friends—even without Lissa involved.

I finally asked the question that had burned within me since the second I'd seen them. "When did," I gestured to both of them, "this happen?" They both blushed. I giggled. I actually _giggled._

They launched into their story—Mia launched, Eddie blushed—and I found myself being able to easily delude myself that this was normal for me. It used to be, but not anymore. Not since I'd left.

The Belikovs came over to listen and everything felt so natural. I piped in and supplied all the snarky comments in all the right places, gaining an incredulous look from Mom that made us all laugh hysterically. I hadn't laughed this much since…well, in years.

It turned out that Mia and Eddie had started hanging out the same way Dimitri and I had. If you could call our practices "hanging out". She'd wanted to learn how to fight hand-to-hand and Eddie had offered to give her lessons. One thing led to another and they'd started dating.

Mia gushed, especially when she got to when he proposed. He'd proposed when she'd least expected it—during a practice in the gym. She went in to every detail, and Viktoria "awed". Mom looked as if this was wasting her time. Abe looked amused. Eddie turned beat red. Olena, Karolina, Sonya, and Yeva—yes, _Yeva—_looked like they were lost in some memory.

I felt sad. And alone. Her story was too much like my own. What Mia and Eddie had had been all that I wanted and more. Love. Acceptance. A happy ending. But my prince didn't return that wish.

_Love fades. Mine has._

It was time for me to accept that and let my love fade. But it wouldn't. I'd sort of snuck up on Dimitri. I'd worked my way under his skin and into his heart. And by doing that, I hadn't just opened my heart, I'd given it to him, trusting him to keep it safe. He just…consumed me. No matter what happened, I just couldn't shake him. And I never would. Because I didn't want to.

I'd had everything everyone always wanted. I'd had a love that consumed me. I'd had passion and adventure, and even a little danger. I'd had someone who truly _got _me.

And now, as I saw everything Mia gained, I saw everything I'd lost. But really, what if I'd lost nothing? What if it'd been a lie? What if I'd been Dimitri's Mason? Or what if he'd just deluded himself into loving me?

Because surely, surely, a love like that didn't fade. He'd blamed it on being a Strigoi, saying that it had hardened his heart, making him incapable of loving anyone. Of loving me. Looking at the way he looked at his family, I knew that that wasn't true. True love didn't fade. Even if it had, that wasn't the case here. So either I didn't know what love was or Dimitri never had loved me.

Who was I kidding? There was no case. This was yesterday's news. Dimitri didn't love me. All that was left of us was me. Alone. All that was left was me being frozen. Never moving forward, never moving back. Just frozen in place.

I looked up from my thoughts to find Yeva looking at me. And then at Dimitri. She looked at me with sympathy. Him with disapproval. That surprised me. Yeva had never liked me. I hadn't really liked her. Why was she looking at me like that?

Dimitri was looking at me to. A moment passed, and I was sure an emotion I hadn't wanted anyone to see had found itself on my face. No one could see through my mask, I knew. Except him. And Yeva, I guess. The second thought was just creepy.

I looked away and focused back on the story. Mia was now talking about the wedding. And their future after that. Somehow, someway Eddie was going to be her guardian. That was rare since non royals almost never got guardians. All of the guardians and former guardians in the room raised an eyebrow over that.

Their future was uncertain still. After all, Eddie could always be pulled away for duty. But from the way he looked at her and she him I knew they'd make it work.

When they finished telling their story attention turned to me. They wanted to know what I'd been doing, why I'd left…I had no answers I could give them.

Before I had to play it off and demonstrate my "evasiveness" skills the bell rang. Classes were starting. Our group departed.

"Hey Rose, do you mind telling me where Lissa is?" Mia asked. "We'd like to go see her and Christian." I smiled and after a second told them she was in the cafeteria.

I don't know why it hurt so badly that I had to go through the bond to find the answer. I guess it was because once I would have known where she was just because I knew her. Now the bond was my only link to her. It was the only claim I had on her. And even it wasn't enough.

Olena, Viktoria, and Mom hugged me goodbye. It felt good. I had so little of that love in my life. I had to cherish it. And I did. I had a hard time letting go of those hugs. They all promised we'd talk later. Viktoria still looked at me slightly guiltily. I hope that'd fade.

I could feel Dimitri studying my face, analyzing my every word. Maybe I'd lost zombie Dimitri, after all.

Or maybe I was the zombie. After all, I seemed to be alone no matter how many people surrounded me. Dimitri had always been able to take that away. I'd never had to pretend with him.

But he was lost to me now.

**(A/N You wanted Eddie and Mia, and here they are! Please excuse any mistakes. R&R! Thank you for all your AMAZING reviews! Keep it up! I love you guys!)**


	19. Chapter 18

Despite the reawakened ache in my heart, it felt good to see how much Aubrey, Will, and Nathan were progressing. Dimitri seemed proud as well. I wouldn't let myself get jealous over the fact that now he had someone new to be proud of. I had to let go.

Dimitri's eyes had a little light in them, and the faint blush had never really left his cheeks. It was beautiful. Back when he was my mentor I'd known he'd missed them, missed home, but not the extent of it. After meeting the Belikovs, I understood completely.

I'd promised to meet the team for dinner before my shift (more like a midnight/midday snack), and as I walked through the quad I noticed how quiet it was. Students were out and about; curfew hadn't hit yet.

It hit me like a bucket of cold water. So little time had passed and I'd forgotten my purpose for coming here. The attack. Aubrey and Will and Nathan had seemed so fine, so normal that I'd forgotten that St. Vladimir's was grieving. Most of the students here had families spread out around the U.S, most of which lived among humans. But that didn't mean they had no reason to be in pain or to feel anger, however. They'd lost friends and mentors they'd cared about and loved. I'd been so wrapped up in my own heartache I hadn't realized that I wasn't the only one hurting.

Neither my mother or Eddie had come for merely a social visit. I believed what Olena had said. Finding out that Dimitri had "died" had left scars on all of them. Him being alive and well was a blessing. How traumatizing could the thought of something happening to him again be? Very.

Eddie had been assigned here, but I hadn't asked my mom why'd she'd come here. She'd probably been one of the guardian's pulled from Court.

As I joined Denis and the others I felt anxious all over again. Why were we waiting for an attack to happen? We all knew it would. The more time that went by meant the more time the Strigoi had to regroup and strategize. I felt like Denis, but really, why were we _always _on the defense? We needed to strike out. We wanted to. But we had to wait for the higher up Moroi, like Dimitri had once told me.

"Rose?" Denis's voice snapped me out of my thoughts. My team's attention was all on me. I guess they really had noticed I wasn't really listening. I started to reply, but he cut me off. "Come on guys." He took my hand. I looked at Tamara, who shrugged, as clueless as I was.

Denis led us out the doors and through the quad, without answering any of our questions, I might add. Artur and Lev looked like they thought their friend had gone insane, but still, they followed anyway. It reminded me of how Lissa and I had used to be. I'd always do something crazy, and even though she knew it was insane, she'd go along with it anyway. She'd always trusted me to keep her safe. I used to be worthy of that trust.

We finally stopped walking—they stopped walking, I stopped being dragged—when we'd reached a meadow on the outskirts of the campus. "What did you drag us out here for, Denis?" Tamara asked, an amused look on her face. Looking deeper in her eyes, I could see some affection as well. Huh.

"We are going to party. Rose has been busy working with asshole ex, you've been bored to death mentoring Timothy, who's possibly the most brain dead kid on campus, and let's not forget Artur and Lev and I, who've been forced to work with Guardian Asswhipe of all people." "Guardian Asswhipe" was Stan. I let out a giggle.

"Party?" Artur asked excitedly. Lev looked equally excited. Tamara gave an exasperated laugh.

"Well, kind of. We only have about an hour, but we are going to live it right. And by live it right I mean go absolutely insane." He pulled out his phone and after I got over the shock that he actually had service out here, I was surprised—no, shell shocked—when he turned on a country station.

I tried to tackle him, making everyone laugh. "No. This. Is. Not. Fun. Music."

That bastard wouldn't give me the phone in fear that I'd something decent on, but in the end it wasn't so bad. Actually, it was the most fun I'd had in a long time.

Artur and Lev became my badass dancing partners. After some suggestive ass slapping and grabbing, each of them took turns whirling me around. I laughed hysterically as I—very embarrassingly—tried to impersonate a ballerina. Denis and Tamara danced as well, a little slower and a little more gracefully.

After awhile it became a game of tag, as silly and immature as it sounds. I lasted the longest, being the fastest runner. Eventually my cockiness got me tagged, though, sadly.

I felt younger than I had in years. I called out immature insults between hysterical laughs and giggles. This seemed to surprise Denis, and unfortunately, make him see more interested in me.

"So she does laugh. I thought mean criticism and punches were basically the outline of your personality. Thank god I was wrong. You aren't just a comatose freak. " His eyes sparkled at the word "freak." Actually, I pretty much was a "comatose freak," up until now, anyway. Even I had my moments.

It was wrong to encourage him, but I couldn't help it. "Touch me and find out. I've got plenty of punches ready for arrogant little boys like you. Maybe there isn't much more to my badass allure. Maybe you're just blind." He returned my evil grin and leapt at me. Well, tried to. Somehow, _I _ended up on top of him. "Guys! Dog pile!" I yelled, grinning wildly.

With their help we managed to hold him down. And I, the evil person I was, started tickling him. Tamara pulled some lipstick out of her pocket. 'Didn't surprise me. Her lips were always a piece of art. A second later I realized how weird it sounded that I'd thought that.

Five minutes later we'd transformed Denis into a beautiful Denita. "Aww. I never noticed how hot you were, Denny," Lev said, choking on his laughter. I picked Denis's phone off the ground and after successfully putting on some _real_ music, I snapped a photo. "Ooo. Rose got a shot. Now we can remember this day forever and ever," Tamara giggled.

Eventually, like all things, our "party" had to end. It was bittersweet. It felt good to laugh. I realize, with a start, that I like to laugh. I like making sarcastic remarks. I like flirting. Maybe I wasn't entirely comatose after all. Those things had fit together like puzzle pieces forming me, the illustrious Rose Hathaway. Maybe I hadn't entirely lost myself.

As I walked towards the gates, I see Dimitri walk into the guardian building. Had he been watching us?

It didn't matter. I couldn't let it matter. I wouldn't let it matter.

I felt content as I conducted my watch. After everything with Dimitri I'd seen my life as over. Well, not over maybe, but…blank. I'd felt like I'd no longer had any love in my life. Like I'd no longer possessed anything worth having. My life had become a blank page, a moonless night. My heart had been lost in orbit, too far away for me to even try and retrieve it and too close for me to forget those in it. I'd been lost. I was still lost. But that didn't mean my life was pointless and devoid of any love or happiness. Sure, I'd lost my prince. And I'd never be the same because of it.

Suddenly, a thought formed in my mind. Would it be so wrong to give my heart to another? I'd have to tell them everything, of course. They'd have to understand that I'd never fully recover and or ever really function right. But what if I loved them enough to want them to be happy? What if they made me happy? Would Dimitri begrudge me that? Wouldn't he want me to be happy? The love would never be like what I'd had with Dimitri, but maybe there was more love out there.

Bella had asked herself the same questions. In the end though, she'd never had to decide. Her prince had come back for her and they'd shared a happy ending. Their lives hadn't been perfect, but they'd been worth it. With Dimitri I'd never expected my life to be perfect. The guardian life ensured that our lives would never be easy. But our life together would have been worth it.

My answer didn't matter now. Maybe someday it would. But for now there were only two people in my life who I could bear voicing my pain to. One was the person who'd caused it and the other was a Moroi princess who I'd abandoned. Maybe someday I could voice that pain; maybe someday I'd go a day without thinking about Dimitri. And if on that day I found someone new, someone who could make me happy and could ease the ache in my heart, maybe it wouldn't be so wrong to let myself love again.

But for now, none of that mattered.

**(A/N I know this chapter didn't have a lot of action, but I promise, the next one will. I think. Hmmm. We'll see, I guess, since I don't even know yet. ;) R&R!)**


	20. Chapter 19

**Dimitri Belikov's Point of View. (A/N I hope you like it! Kind of nervous..Okay, there is no "kind of" about it. I'm super nervous. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update. This chapter took a few days. Sorry for any mistakes…)**

I mentally cursed at Viktoria and she and Rose entered the room. I have a feeling Rose was mentally cursing her too, since her face looked miserable. I knew that Ma loved Rose; they all did. I had my own questions about the Viktoria/Rose moment earlier yesterday. What had Viktoria done to make her think that she didn't deserve Rose's forgiveness? What did she mean when she said "all of that stuff about Dimka"? My questions were left unanswered.

The second I saw her at the guardian meeting my heart skipped a beat. There was no pain, no sorrow, no beauty except her in that moment. I'd forgotten how beautiful Rose Hathaway was. Her long black brown hair fell in beautiful waves, caressing her shoulders. She was still the same Rose who'd filled me up with emotions I hadn't known I'd had. Still the same Rose I'd loved. Still loved.

Still the same, but so, so, different. Her soft skin was now weathered. Her playful and inquisitive eyes were the same color, of course, but there was a strange feel to them. They flashed as she surveyed the room, a natural dhampir reflex. Still the same, but completely new. They had a haunted look to them. Where they'd once been filled with life they were now dead. Sad, somehow. Roza's brown eyes had lost their spark.

There was a completely new aura surrounding her. She'd always been an open book, to me anyway, but now her pages were blank. I knew no one else noticed, except for Lissa, maybe. It was like my Rose was lost. Had I been the cause of that? Had I broken her? Rose had always been full of life, despite the tragedies occurring around her. Now there was little life to be found.

I'd promised that I'd never abandon her once, when she had battled with spirit's darkness. I'd meant the words then. I still did. But abandoning her had been what she'd needed. I didn't deserve her. She deserved to go on and find someone better.

In the present tense, I had a similar reaction. Her eyes were lighter now, less lost. They flickered uneasily to me, and then to Janine. She looked a little more comfortable at the latter. They really had come a long way. I wouldn't let myself feel hurt because I could no longer comfort her.

Mom jumped up and hugged her tightly, smiling brightly, murmuring something in her ear. Rose gave her a soft smile and replied softly, with a sad edge to her voice. I hated that sadness. A lot of people in the world deserved to be miserable. I was one of them. Roza, however, wasn't.

She opted for a seat between Viktoria and Janine. Janine looked slightly flustered as well, and there was a nervous, uncertain air around her. Rose really was like her. Strigoi, impending doom, no problem. Awkward silences? Crisis.

Rose awakened every emotion I thought I'd left behind. Concern. Anguish. Anger. Love. Guilt.

Every time I saw her I'd see a memory from Siberia, where I'd treated her as food and entertainment. I'd drank from her, releasing endorphins into her system, drugging her. I'd taken advantage over both her body and mind, after she'd come to release me from that terrible state. Even after all of that, she'd found the information to free me in a different way. A way that would save me, too. Only Rose Hathaway could uncover a miracle like that. While she'd been searching for a way to save me, —really _save _me- I'd been searching for a way to take her life from this world.

And I'd come close. So, so close. Rose was strong in both body and mind. She wouldn't let me entrap her with the fade I'd wanted to gift her.

_Rose climbed up onto the railing of the bridge, swinging one leg over. I froze. "What are you doing?" I asked, suddenly becoming afraid. _

"_I told you. I'll die before I become Strigoi. I won't be like you or the others. I don't want that. You didn't want that, once upon a time." Tears stained her cheeks, but she looked strong, despite the fact that she'd fought very many difficult battles tonight. She looked so strong...and so sad. She would do it. I knew that, now. I'd believed that she was close to giving in, but I'd been wrong. Even drugged she hadn't been ready to surrender her soul. _

She'd been right. I hadn't wanted it. But as a Strigoi, I'd seen those views has weakness. Now I understood that they were a sign of strength.

_She swung her other leg over and peered down at the swiftly moving water. We were a lot higher than two stories up. She'd hit the water hard, and even if she survived that fall, she wouldn't have the strength to outswim the current and get to shore. I could see in her eyes that she was determined. She didn't want to die, but if that was the only thing that kept her from being a Strigoi, death would be a gift, in her mind, anyway. _

Once upon a time, we'd both agreed that death was better than that fate. It had been the first time we'd sat near each other, and though I knew it was wrong to think this way, every place our bodies touched had been warm and wonderful. We'd talked about what it meant to be alive and in full control of your soul-and what it meant to become one of the undead, to lose the love and light and all those you'd known.

"_Rose, don't." There was true panic in my voice now. If I lost her over the edge, I was gone. No Strigoi. No awakening. For me to be turned, I needed to kill her by drinking her blood and then feed the blood back to her. If she jumped, the water would kill her, not bloodletting. She'd be long dead before I found her in the river. "Please" I begged. _

Even as a Strigoi I'd felt panicked. I didn't know why I couldn't let her fall. I just knew that I couldn't.

_For a second, something in her features twisted. There was something in her eyes; something in her face. Some feeling. That would be the key, whatever it was._

Now I could recognize what emotion had displayed so clearly on her face. When I'd been Strigoi I never truly saw or recognized beauty or feeling. I hadn't been able to identify the emotion because I could no longer feel true emotion. For the last two years I'd played every detail with Rose in Siberia in my mind, over and over again. It hurt; it hurt so badly. But it also gave me a way to be close to her without really being close to her. I tried to find the meaning behind every word she'd said, every moment we'd shared. Sometimes were more difficult to figure out, but in the end, I just _knew _her.

Which was why I remembered the agony displayed on her face so clearly. Her beautiful face, marred by tears.

"_We need to be together," I say, taking two careful steps forward and then stopping again._

"_Why?" She asks softly. The word was carried away on the wind, but I heard. _

_I didn't understand her question. Why wouldn't I want her? We were meant to be together. She knew that._

"_Because I want you."_

_My words were simple. My answer had been blatantly obvious. Why didn't this conciliate her? A sad smile crossed her lips, and her next words were her last—or would have been._

"_Wrong answer." _

Looking back I knew what she'd wanted to hear the entire time. She'd wanted to know that I loved her. I hadn't said it because I couldn't feel love. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind. It was clear as crystal.

_I couldn't let her go. Too much had gone into this fight to lose now. I reached out and caught one of her arms, dragging her back onto the railing. Well, half dragging. Only part of her made it over; the rest was still hanging over the river._

"_Stop fighting me!" I yelled, straddling the rail as I tried to lean over far enough to get me and actually hold onto me._

"Let go of me!" She'd yelled. She had always been a fighter. She had always been strong. Like I'd told her once, it was why I loved her.

In the present tense I understood that she'd predicted this. She'd come to terms with it and accepted it. But she knew me. She'd known that I was just that fast and that good. That was why she was holding her stake in the hand that was dangling free.

"_I will always love you." She said looking me in the eye, voice strained. Then I understood. What she'd been waiting for all this time. _

"_That's what I was supposed to say…" I gasped out as her stake pierced my chest. And I fell, almost taking her with me._

"Dimka? Hellooo. Are you in there?" Viktoria's voice released me from the memory.

"Sorry." I looked up, forcing a sheepish smile. Rose's eyes were on me, dark and mysterious. There was something there, hidden from me.

Eventually the attention shifted from me and back on Rose.

They wanted to know what she'd been doing, how she'd been, why she hadn't called… Janine seemed particularly interested. I was to.

I could tell Rose didn't like the attention, but our mothers along with Viktoria kept pushing. "Honestly, it isn't very interesting…"

With that beginning, she dominated the room. Her presence had always affected me in particular, but I wasn't the only one. Viktoria hung on her every word.

She didn't cover why she left but said that she'd wanted something to do that would have a positive impact on the world. Little did she know that every word, smile, tear, every step she took impacted me.

There was one thing she knew she was good at—fighting—and it seemed more appealing that finding a job among humans. "That's where my team came in. I'd hunted with Denis and the others before and figured it was as good an option as any." I'd known that Denis was a part of her "team". I'd met him and he'd called me an asshole. Considering the things I called myself that was a compliment. I'd known him in my childhood—sort of. Viktoria had always hung out with his brother, who was now her fiancé.

Karolina gaped. "Denis? As in Koya's brother Denis? After…after what he said at the church? Is that what you did after you left?" Anger sparkled in her eyes, but it wasn't at Rose. Rose sighed and looked down for a moment, but then met my sister's eyes levelly.

"He has radical ideas. They all do. While I understand the idea of striking out against Strigoi, I don't support their other ideas. Denis acted like a disrespectful asshole. After I left I wasn't sure where to go. America wasn't my home anymore. All I had left was what I'd come to do. I needed to get to the big cities and they were my ride."

_America wasn't my home anymore. _Christian's words after she'd left came back to me.

"_Funny. I thought love was one of those things that never faded. Guess not. 'Seems like she didn't give up on you that easy. Doesn't really matter to you, I guess. I mean, she only traveled the globe for you, fighting for you, no matter what it cost her. She only left her best friend, jeopardizing her future for you. I saw her. Before she left. And she sure as hell didn't look 'better off'." _

He'd been right. Love—at least mine, anyway—was one of those things that never faded. I'd always love Rose. She'd never know it, but that couldn't penetrate my feelings for her.

_'Seems like she didn't give up on you that easy. _He was right again. Rose never gave up on me, no matter what I said or did. _Doesn't really matter to you, I guess. I mean, she only traveled the globe for you, fighting for you, no matter what it cost her. She only left her best friend, jeopardizing her future for you. _It did matter. Those things were the reason I couldn't be with her. To let her back into my life, to love her, to let her waste her life loving a monster…There was nothing more selfish than that.

_I saw her. Before she left. And she sure as hell didn't look 'better off'. _I could see it in her eyes. I could see her world crashing apart. And as it did, I felt as if my heart was being ripped apart into shreds. I'd claimed that being a Strigoi changed all of my emotions, but really, they were stronger. More passionate. I'd gone so long without feeling that every word had the impact of an earthquake. The fact that I'd hurt her hurt worse than anything.

_"But you aren't going to hurt me. I know that," She'd said, eyes blazing—with desperation and anger. _

But I already had. Countless times. _"I've already hurt you. Why can't you understand that? How many times do I have to say it?" _

_ "You told me…you told me before you left that you loved me." Her voice trembled. "How can you let that go?"_

_ "Because it's too late! And it's easier than being reminded of what I did to you!" My control snapped, my voice echoing through the back of the church. The priest and those still taking communion didn't notice, but we'd definitely gotten the attention in the back half of the church. A few of my guardians stiffened, and I knew I might very well lose the small amount acceptance I'd gained. I knew she probably cared about that more than I did._

_ She turned away for a second, hiding her face. A second later she reached toward me, as if she needed that touch more than anything in the world. I understood. _

_ I couldn't let her have it. I sprang up and my guardians shot forward, braced for what I might do. But I did nothing. Nothing except stare at her with a look that made her pale. Like she was something strange and bad._

_ "Rose. Please stop. Please stay away." I could feel my control slipping and worked to keep my emotions in check. _

_ In an undertone, she murmured, "This isn't over. I won't give up on you." _But she would. I'd known that the second the words left my lips. The one thing that could keep her away from me—and keep her safe. Her heart if not her body. And what little of a conscious I had left.

_ "I've given up on you," I said, voice also soft. "Love fades. Mine has." _I'd never told a lie so big. Maybe love did fade. I hoped hers had. But mine never would. The bond forged between us was not one I could forget, no matter the absence, distance, or time. I was irreversibly altered. I would always love her, and it would never, ever be enough. I didn't love her and I always would.

She'd stared at me in disbelief. All this time, I'd never phrased it like that. My protests had always been about some greater good, about the remorse I felt over being a monster or how it had scarred him from love. I'd known all of that, which was why I'd known that these words would be the very ones that had the power to keep her safe by hurting her.

And hurt her I had. Hurt her so bad that she'd left us all behind. All I could offer her was an apology; one that I was sure hadn't made a difference.

I secretly wondered what Denis had said at the church that made Karolina hate him so badly. But our group moved on to lighter topics, and really, I was glad. I didn't want to dwell on depressing thoughts.

Mother and Viktoria never failed to keep Rose talking, and Rose never failed to keep dazzling them. She never seemed to fully be confident in the spotlight, but she didn't show it. She had them in hysterics as she talked about the ups and downs of living with three males.

Janine would give her a look that said she disapproved every once in awhile; one that we'd all laugh at. I knew that it wasn't serious though. I could see the love and relief in her eyes.

She kept the conversation going effortlessly; one of the many things I loved about her. I loved the way her face lit up as she laughed. How her smile slowly spread from one side of her face to the other. How she played with her hair absentmindedly as she spoke.

How every once in awhile she'd glance over in my direction and give me a soft smile that surprised me each time. After the "staking" incident I'd more or less shut her completely out. I couldn't let her make everything okay. I knew she understood what had happened. How I'd lost control. Just like she understood everything about me. I'd had to turn myself into a rock of stone to save me from myself. And her. There was no doubt in my mind that I seemed like a zombie to her to.

Eventually our gathering ended.

"I'd better get going. Alberta wanted to speak with me about campus protection. Thank you so much for breakfast, Olena." Janine said and I thought I saw Rose roll her eyes with a smile. Ma hugged her and Janine hugged her back after a moment.

Rose stood up as well and joined her mother. "I'd better get going too. I was on my way to the front gates for an extra shift when Viktoria jumped me." Viktoria rolled her eyes and grinned back at Rose.

"Actually, I was thinking I'd take an extra shift to." The words were out before I could stop them. They clearly surprised her. Nevertheless, she didn't say anything and just nodded. I got up as well.

Why was I doing this? Was I trying to—My thoughts were cut off when Babushka spoke. "Rose…may I speak with you for a moment?"

"Sure…" Her voice was uncertain and she looked confused. As confused as I felt. Babushka beckoned and Rose followed her out anyway.

As they left I couldn't help but think when Babushka had asked to speak with me…

She'd asked me to go for a walk with her. I'd been confused but went along anyway, waiting for her to speak. Instead, she slapped me and cursed at me in Russian.

"_Do you have any idea what you have done? You have disappointed me greatly Dimitri. Have you no sense?" _The fact that she called me Dimitri increased her coldness.

_ "Have you not realized that there are worse things than death itself?"_

_ "How could you tell such a lie?"_

_ "You love her. Your love shines like the sun. So does hers. And now all that is left is a dark night. Both of you are lost."_

_ "You are a fool."_

Her words hadn't left me. They gave me no closure. What if I'd made a mistake? What if instead of protecting her I'd hurt her beyond repair? What if I had taken her in my arms and provided her with everything she wanted? Everything we both wanted.

What if?

**Rose Hathaway Point of View.**

The only thing I could process was the fact that Yeva—scary witch grandma—was asking to have a private chat with me. She hated me. Or at least she hadn't liked me. She'd made that clear in Russia. I'd "disappointed" her.

I'd just left the Belikov house when she'd found me.

_Footsteps on the pavement made me look up. Of all the people who might have found me, I would have expected Abe or maybe Viktoria. But it wasn't._

_ It was Yeva._

_ The old woman stood there, a shawl draped over her narrow shoulders, and her sharp, cunning eyes looking down at me disapprovingly. I sighed._

_ "What happened? Did a house fall on your sister?" I asked. Maybe there was a benefit to our language barrier. She pursed her lips. _

_ "You can't say here any longer," she said._

_ My mouth dropped open._

_ "You…you speak English?"_

_ She snorted. "Of course."_

_ I shot up. "All this time you've been pretending not to? You've been making Paul play translator?"_

_ "It's easier," she said simply. "You avoid a lot annoying conversation when you don't speak the language. And I've found that Americans make the most annoying conversation of all."_

_ I was still aghast. "You don't even know me! But from the first day, you've been giving me hell. Why? Why do you hate me?"_

_ "I don't hate you. But I am disappointed."_

_ "Disappointed? How?"_

_ "I dreamed you come."_

_ "I heard that. You dream a lot?"_

_ "Sometimes," she said. The moonlight glinted in her eyes, enhancing her otherworldly appearance. A chill ran down my spine. "Sometimes my dreams are true. Sometimes not. I dreamed Dimka was dead, but I didn't want to believe it, not until I had proof. You were my proof."_

_ "And that's why you were disappointed?"_

_ Yeva drew the shawl more tightly around her. "No. In my dreams, you shone. You burned like a star, and I saw you as a warrior, someone you could do great deeds. Instead? You've sat around and moped. You've done nothing. You haven't done what you came to do."_

_ I studied her, wondering if she really knew what she talked about. "And what is that exactly?"_

_ "You know what it is. I dreamed that, too."_

_ I waited for more. When it didn't come, I laughed. "Nice vague answer. You're as bad as any scam fortune-teller."_

_ Even in the darkness, I could see the anger kindle in her eyes. "You've come to search for Dimka. To try to kill him. You must find him."_

_ "What do you mean 'try'?" I didn't want to believe her, didn't want to believe that she might actually know my future. "Have you seen what happens? Do I kill him?"_

_ "I can't see everything."_

_ "Oh. Fantastic."_

_ "I only saw that you must find him."_

_ "But that's all you've got? I already knew that!"_

_ "It's what I saw."_

_ I groaned. "Damn it, I don't have time for these cryptic clues. If you can't help me, they don't say anything."_

_ She stayed quiet._

_ I slung my bag over my shoulder. "Fine. I'm leaving then." And like that, I knew where I would go. "Tell the others…well, tell them thank you for everything. And that I'm sorry."_

_ "You're doing the right thing," she said. "This isn't where you should be."_

_ "So I've heard," I muttered, walking away._

_ I wondered if she'd say anything else: chastise me, curse me, give me more mysterious words of "wisdom." But she stayed silent, and I didn't look back._

Yeva broke the silence. "I know you think that I hate you. I do not."

This surprised me. "You have a funny way of showing it," I grumbled.

"People expect less when they receive less."

"That is the most miserable excuse I have ever heard."

Her eyes seemed amused, and for a second I thought she really didn't have anything important to say. Was she just messing with me?

Apparently not. "I wanted to speak to you so that I could thank you. And apologize for judging you."

Olena had thanked me as well. It didn't seem to matter that I hadn't gone through the hell I had for her or Yeva. I'd done it for him. And for me. "Thank you.." My words are uncertain.

"Dimka's an idiot for what he has done to you. We both know that I mean after his restoration and not during his time as a Strigoi." I had figured.

"It isn't his fault. He couldn't help the fact that he didn't love me anymore than I could help the fact that I loved him." I could tell that Yeva knew the 'ed' on 'loved' was forced.

She started to say something in reply, but then with visible effort stopped herself. Instead, she replied, "I suppose so."

We walked a few steps farther. "Dimka has a good heart, even if it causes him to make idiotic choices. He's very good at deluding himself."

_Dimka has a good heart, even if it causes him to make idiotic choices. He is very good at deluding himself. _Her words rang in my mind for a few minutes before I could even begin to process what they meant. "I…what are you talking about?"

She ignored my question. "Thank you Rosemarie for the sacrifices you have made for him and our family. I wanted to personally thank you. I have done so, so I will let you attend to your duties."

Before I could say anything, she began walking back. I lagged behind, her words hitting me with full force.

_He is very good at deluding himself. _What did that mean? That he had deluded himself into believing he loved me in the first place? Or that he'd deluded himself into thinking that he no longer loved me? Was I just overanalyzing it?

I had no answers by the time I met Dimitri, and still had no answers by the time we reached the gates. He remained outside them with me. We didn't speak. I wouldn't let myself look at him. He didn't look at me. We just stared out at the outside world, side by side.

_Dimka has a good heart, even if it causes him to make idiotic choices. He is very good at deluding himself._ The words rang in my mind for the rest of the night. I gained no answers. It was frustrating. I had so many questions without answers. But that was my life. And for the first time in two years I felt comforted by that. Not everything had changed.

The silence was comfortable between us. In moments like these it didn't matter that he no longer felt the same way I did or that our lives had been irreversibly altered. The only thing that mattered is that I was here with him at my side. _He is very good at deluding himself. _He wasn't the only one.

The pain would surely come later, but in the hours that passed, I felt well. Whole. There was no sadness; no pain.

Just the welcoming blackness of delusion and Dimitri and I. Two people. There didn't need to be anything more than that.

**(A/N I really hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Like I said I'm sorry it has taken me so long to write it. **

**Kyoko minion: I hope you enjoyed our little Rose/Yeva moment! Feel free to give me more ideas! I love hearing from you!**

**DarkSunshine24: Thank you!**

**Loventherussian17: Here you go!**

**Anon: Aww! I LOVE both Twilight AND Vampire Academy. Yes…VA is better, but still. What don't you like about Twilight? XD I'll do my best…No promises, though. ;) Vampire Academy does indeed ROCK! :D Thank you for your compliment! It really means a lot! **

**Ranim: As always, thank you very much!**

**Mademoisellesnow: I hope her fun wasn't too cheesy. LOL. I wanted to let her have a moment of heaven, seeing as—most of the time—she is right smack in the middle of hell.**

**Chelseajaybaybeh: I love you! XD Here you go! I agree. He is definitely shaken up. It was hard to write in Dimitri's POV, but I liked the challenge. I found it hard to convey his feelings the right way. How did I do? **

**BellaCullenSwan17: You rock! Thank you very much!**

**Preetygabbysz: I'm glad!**

**Blueberryoreo: Thank you! This isn't the last you'll see of our Liss. Try and remember that spirit's darkness is always there, pressing down on the both of them. But yeah, sometimes she can just be a bitch to Rose. In the end though, she loves her more than pretty much anything. More hurtful words will be said, but I think Rose was right when she said that when you care about someone, you forgave them and moved on. Their friendship will be patched up by the end. I hope you like my newer chapters!**

**A big thank you to the rest of my reviewers! I hope you liked this chapter! Keep reading and reviewing!)**


	21. AN and Apology

**Hello all. I wanted to apologize for the fact that I haven't uploaded anything for awhile. My grandmother has been in the hospital since Monday. From what I was hearing I thought that she was going to overcome it, but they've determined that she had had a brainstem stroke, either at home or after she arrived at the hospital. It looks to be severe and sounds as if there is little hope for recovery. The brainstem controls the nervous system-as well as all of the "involuntary" actions. So basically, heartbeat, blood pressure, consciousness, even things such as blinking and breathing. She's in California so we've been hearing information from many different ears-and the doctors hadn't been able to determine what exactly brought her in in the first place. Tonight we've learned that it was indeed a stroke. It just didn't show up on the cat scan for 24 to 48 hours. We're waiting to hear more and might take a trip up there this weekend, but I have to be back for school Monday (I have state testing). I'm trying to work something out so I can be finished sooner. If that doesn't work we'll possibly be going to California as soon as Thursday or Friday and staying for an unknown amount of time. It doesn't look good.**

**I just wanted to let you all know what's up and that I have little clue on what's going to happen next, so I may not be uploading for awhile, though I'll try to. Please bear with me. I would appreciate it greatly if you could keep my Grandma in your prayers. Thank you guys. **


	22. Chapter 20

**A/N Thank you all for all of your reviews, support, love, etc. I as always appreciate you commenting on my story and sharing your thoughts, and I appreciate the fact that you all reached out to me during this rough time even more. I have returned and though things are still a little crazy, I hope I'll be able to upload a little bit more regularly. **

**My grandmother's condition as improved slightly. She's coherent and seems to recognize you and has been trying to talk and move around—and while the attempts are feeble, we have great hopes. **

**Thank you all for reading my fanfiction! I am no Richelle Mead, but wow, what a compliment! Thank you soooo much! (: An as far as Adrian goes…well…as much as I love the dream walker…he kinda sorta doesn't exist. But…maybe I'll bring him in later..? I'm not sure where he'd fit. Any ideas? I do try to keep it as original as possible. (:**

**I'm not sure when I'll have them confess their feelings. I'm thinking during the heat of battle—at least Rose's feelings, anyway- and afterwards wrap it up with Dimitri's confession. We'll get there! I promise!**

**Kyoko, I agree! Thank you for always being ready to give me advice! I greatly appreciate it! I'll see what I can do about incorporating that into my story!**

**Ilovevampiresangels: I looked up that song and totally understood what you were saying! I love me some Nickelback!**

**Anon: The big Rose and Dimitri moment will happen…very, very soon. **

**I do get what you're saying about Bella—she's no Rose—but there is strength in her decisions, just a different kind, in my opinion. Rose charges out to battle while Bella sits behind, leaving it to the Cullens to protect her. BUT, she does have big mental struggles—things I find interesting to read about. Of course, so does Rose. Still, I think Bella is strong in her own way, just like Rose. Let's face it, it isn't easy to stand behind while people you love are in danger or have the mental capacity to deal with so many problems. I'm sure there are things that could make Twilight a better series, but only a blank book is perfect! If I can ever be half the writer Stephenie Meyer is, I'd consider my life well spent. **

**Thank you for reviewing and talking books with me. I enjoy it more than you could believe. **

**I'm glad you all liked the Dimitri POV! Rose is definitely walking on thin ice... will Dimitri be there to save her?**

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View.**

_Please join us in celebration of our royal highness, our guardians, our people. Let us make light of recent events. We hope this celebration will also serve as an element to convey our gratitude to those who gather at beloved St. Vladimir's to aid the wounded and protect its students._

Attached to the thick paper was a thin, see through note with bad hand writing. Alberta's.

_I expect you to be there. Screw your standards. You deserve it. You're coming. You owe it to me. – Alberta._

She knew me pretty well. _Our royal highness. _I knew what that meant. Tatiana would be there. That immediately signaled red flags. Let's not even mention that well, more than half of the people that would be there loathed me. Including the queen. Our last meeting had not gone well.

After I'd appropriately responded to her new law,—a law now meant kids like Aubrey and Will and Nathan would graduate this year—and bitched about the fact that Dimitri had been locked up at the time, _she'd _responded appropriately—at least in _her _mind. I'd been thrown out, with my share of inappropriate parting words. Our relationship had always been shifty, but after that? Please.

She hated me for a lot of things. For instance, I was a Hathaway. It goes without saying that anyone with that last name equates to a cockroach. It had something to do with my mother and father. It sounded a lot like _she'd _been interested in my father. Aft_e_r finally meeting him, I guess didn't really surprise me. They both could be kind of…cold. Tatiana was just cold, period, however, at least in my experiences. My father appeared to be kind of bipolar.

Another reason was the fact that she viewed me as a bad influence to Lissa—her shining star. Admittedly, I kind of was. I'd dropped in and out of school and like Stan loved to point out—neglected my guardian duties. My leaving must have pleased her, too. Of course I knew all about new laws and such—she might be stationed at that royal court, but there were others. Dhampir villages like Baia made it pretty easy to keep up with vampire politics. Thankfully most of her recent laws avoided dhampirs, though Moroi kept pushing. They were undoubtedly now wondering if we—guardians—could go without sleep.

So it was pretty understandable that I did _not _want to go to whatever this thing was supposed to be. Alberta knew that. But she also knew my sense of obligation—something Dimitri and I shared. She was right. I _did _owe her. Playing as a sort of sit in mentor was not something she did often. Or ever.

I wasn't sure if I deserved it or not, but that was beside the point. And I actually had been feeling pretty good about life…or well, not like I was walking in a living hell.

Dimitri fell in step with me as I walked to the gym. That was…odd. Most of the time he made it to the gym first. Sometimes I wondered if he slept there. Or slept at all. And usually, Viktoria walked me there and back. A few days had passed since the first night Dimitri and I had guarded the front gates together. It kind of became a daily thing. It was nice. And well, I couldn't really object.

"Hey comrade," I said, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. I wasn't mad at him. Actually, things had lightened between us considerably. We weren't friends exactly. Allies might be a better word. Friends implied having conversations that consisted of more than hellos and goodbyes. I wasn't really mad at anybody. Just frustrated.

"What's going on with you, Rose?" He asked, voice concerned. Of course. I couldn't hide things from Dimitri. It was short of impossible.

"Do you have to even ask?" I gave him the invitation. I'd kind of ripped Alberta's note up.

"Okay… Rose…all the faculty received one. So…?" His eyebrows furrowed together and I could tell this was one of the rare moments Dimitri couldn't quite put a finger on what was on my mind.

"So, are you going?"

"Are you?"

I hated it when he answered my question with a question. Actually, I hated it when anybody did that.

"I asked you first."

"Alberta wants me to. I guess I will. And you?" Unbelievable. Was Alberta trying to play matchmaker? No. That was ridiculous. Not tough, seasoned, wise…_old _Alberta. Why would she care? Just a coincidence.

I wasn't going to mention my note. "Why should I? Besides.. it's stupid, anyway. We need to be on high alert. This is just what they want. Us to let our guard down. I'm surprised that bitch queen is going to be there. Sure, she consented some of her guardians being pulled from Court, but that doesn't mean that she wants to walk into the war zone." We passed a nearby group of kids-kids that looked around 16. If my estimation was right, they'd graduate this year. I wondered if they were excited and saw it as a chance at true freedom. I'd felt that way to, but after I'd really become a guardian, I'd wondered if it was too much of a challenge to overcome. You lost so much. "And really, why would I want to be in a room full of people that either hate or disapprove of me?"

"Never stopped you before," Dimitri said teasingly and I elbowed him in the ribs. Ass. He laughed, a real genuine, familiar kind of laugh. One that made my heart skip a beat. Or two. I'd missed his laugh. So, so much.

"Thanks a lot. Are you saying that I've always been hated this much?"

He sobered. "I'm saying that you should go. You deserve it. You're one of the best guardians out there, no matter what they say. You deserve to be there just as much as anyone. Maybe more. Act like it."

He said the words with complete seriousness and pride. So much that I had to glance away. His powerful gaze was too much for me. Hearing him talk like that—hearing the pride in his words reminded me too much of the past, when he was my tough love mentor. It filled me up and I felt like I was flying. But then, once I convinced myself that it meant nothing, I just felt empty. At least until he spoke again.

"Besides…not everyone feels hate or disapproval towards you. Like me, for example. I think you're a strong, independent woman and an amazing guardian. I mean it. And I know that there's only one person there that matters. Lissa. She isn't in that group of people, either."

_You're a strong, independent woman and an amazing guardian. _It was words like that that made it so hard to shut Dimitri out. They reminded me of how my life should have been. I should've graduated and had Dimitri there. I should've been able to see the pride and love in his eyes. He should've loved me and never stopped. I would've been Lissa's guardian and would've gone off to Lehigh. I would've been able to come back to Court and be with Dimitri. I should've been able to have the best of both worlds—my best friend and my lover.

Lover. Wow. What a word that was. It seemed cheesy—but boyfriend seemed too simple. Honestly? It didn't really matter what I called him then because I _didn't _have the best of both worlds—whatever that word would've been…it didn't really apply now. My best friend hated me and while Dimitri might not hate me,—well, he acted like he didn't—he didn't want me. But maybe…maybe him approving of me was enough. It felt good.

But it hadn't been enough before. I had to remind myself of that. _I _hadn't been enough. No matter how strong or amazing I was, it hadn't been enough to make him love me. And really, that was all that mattered.

His compliment and my issue with the queen notwithstanding, Lissa was another issue. I shouldn't care…she didn't, right? But how could I not? He knew that.

"I've hurt her enough."

"You haven't come out of this unscathed, either."

My laugh was short of hysterical. "No one has." I gave him a pointed look. He didn't acknowledge my point, but the silence did. I knew he was putting together an arguement. Before he could get out a word I added, "It's better if I stay out of her life. I'm just going to leave again. I don't know why I keep trying to convince myself that being here is what I want; that it's good for me or for anyone."

The words came easily. I'd never had to censor my words with Dimitri. But now? Well, it was too blunt to say that so many things had changed. He seemed suprised by this last admission; truthfully, we both were. He was shocked silent. Score: 1 for Rose.

After a second, he recovered. "Maybe it is. It isn't a crime to want to be around the people who love you. You're her best friend. There isn't one reason that says that she is better without you. She needs you. You need her. It's that simple."

Was it, really? No. I would always love Lissa. She would always be my best friend. And I would always be hers. But if I left now, it'd be a clean break. Making up with her just to leave again was just...cruel. For both of us.

"No, it isn't a crime. You're right about that. But the other part? No. I left her, Dimitri. More than one time. Best friends _don't_ do that. And it's more than that. I _can't _leave her again after getting her back. I _can't _go through that. And I _don't _want to stay here." _He's very good at deluding himself. _"I'm just deluding myself." If that was true, what a pair we were. Neither understanding the difference between fiction and reality.

I was using a lot of _can't _and _don't _statements, I realized with a start. That was probably because I felt kind of confused. Because I felt like I was lying. Partly, anyway. Part of me wanted to return to Russia, where it was-for the most part-emotionally uneventful. But a another part of me was still waiting. Waiting for things to be like they used to be, like I wanted them to be. Still hoping. I needed to kill that part. "Russia is my home now. Not here. Not at Court. Not with her."

"You don't really want to leave. I can tell. So why leave? Why not make this your home?"

_Because it hurts here, _I think to myself silently. Since coming back I'd felt more pain than anything. Every day I had to face the fact that he didn't love me. That Lissa didn't. A place that hurt me so much couldn't be home.

I couldn't answer his question. That was admission if I'd ever heard it.

We reached the gym's doors. He held it open for me. I could only manage two words.

"I'll go."

Because even if he was wrong about the rest of it, the old Rose Hathaway would never let anyone stop her from doing anything. I wanted her back. I missed her.

So I would go.

It was one of those things I was already kind of regretting.

**(A/N Sorry this chapter was kind of short...I'll try to update soon! Thank you all for everything! R&R)**


	23. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21:**

**Dimitri Belikov's Point Of View**

She was beautiful.

No one else existed. There was no sound, no motion, just...her. Rosemarie Hathaway. And there was nothing more beautiful. Nothing. Not the sun or the moon or the stars. She **[You]** was **[are]** the most beautiful creature walking on this earth. **(A/N...golden lily quote...just couldn't pass it up. :p Has anyone read it? I finished it the day it came out. XD it. was. so. freaking. amazing. I cried when I finished it...)**

The rogue, tough look had vanished. She wasn't a warrior anymore-yet, she wasn't a princess either. She was a goddess. She always had been. Her hair was curled and caressed her shoulders. Crimson silk carressed her, hugging her body in such a way that didn't show a lot of skin but gave life to her exotic curves. I saw a few moroi women looking at her with envy...and a few, the higher up royals, looking at her with disdain. They were dressed more modestly, of course. And didn't even compare. No one here did.

The dress was red as a rose. And it...it _was_ her. She came in true Hathaway fashion.

I'd been expecting her to show up in a sweater and jeans, much like what I was wearing. After all, her life's vocation-battling the undead-most likely didn't leave a lot of time for shopping. But no. She showed up in something that made it almost impossible to hide how I felt for her. Two seconds and I was already gazing.

Something, however, remained the same. Her dark eyes. They were still wild and evasive. I could still see the rough look in her eyes-the ferocity. She didn't want to be here-that much was obvious. Her eyes scanned the room, stopping on me and then Lissa. For me the look was recognition. She smiled at me faintly, like she was forcing it. It was a broken smile. A nervous one. That small smile vanished when her eyes rested upon Lissa and Christian. Well, Lissa. Christian might as well of not existed.

The pain in her eyes was so, so obvious. And I knew then that her life was split into two halves-or had been. It was a constant battle of who caused her more pain. Right now Lissa was in the lead.

Vasilisa Dragomir's face bore no mask. The pain was blatant. Christian took her hand, squeezing it tightly. She looked down at it and her face gained a little of its color back. She squeezed back.

I knew that Rose had believed what she'd said to me this morning. She refused to be in Lissa's life because leaving her would hurt them both too much. She thought it'd be a clean break. The last part was irrelevant. It wasn't a clean break now. It was like shattered glass. Sure, with enough work, you could put it back together. But was it worth hurting yourself in the progress?

I thought about their friendship, about all they'd been through. Of all the times Rose had put Lissa before herself, sacrificing her own wants and needs. It _was_ worth it. Neither one of them was complete without the other. They needed each other. It was that simple, like I'd said.

Rose tentatively raised a hand to wave and tried at another smile. A soft, friendly one. A small piece of hope flickered in her eyes. For a second I thought that Lissa would return the gesture-I could tell that Christian thought so, too. But then she dropped her hand, put a blank mask on her face, and walked away. Christian gave Rose a sad smile and left with Lissa, walking over to a food table.

Her face twisted in pain for a second, but then she to put on a blank mask. Or tried to. Her lower lip quivered just slightly and a single tear caressed her pale cheek. Roza's eyes met mine and she wiped at it. I wanted to wrap in her my arms just then. She could fall to pieces if she wanted. I didn't care. It made me love her more, if that was possible.

No one else saw her but me and Lissa, who'd snuck a glance at her. The pain and guilt shone in her eyes. It killed her to say anything hurtful to anyone-let alone Rose. No one except us could see the agony in her eyes. We were the two people who had hurt her most, after all.

She felt her best friend's eyes on her. She glanced over at her and turned away like Lissa had, flipping her hair haughtily. She didn't look back. We both stared out after her.

I felt angry. Angry at Lissa. Angry at the world. Angry at the cruel circumstances that ruined our lives.

I walked over to Lissa. "Do you have to just try and hurt her?"

Christian stepped forward. Lissa just looked miserable. "I...She left _me._" Clearly, that was how Rose felt as well. Staring at her now, I knew that Lissa didn't truly feel that way. Not completely, anyway.

"Because of me. And you know that. And you just have to keep punishing her for it! Making her miserable isn't going to make you feel any better!" I made an effort to keep my voice low.

She didn't answer. "She's trying, Lissa. What else do you want her to do?" I asked, trying to keep the anger out of my voice.

This got a reaction. "What do I want her to do? What _I _want her to do? _I _want her to stay with me. I want her to trust me. I want my best friend back. I want my _sister _back. I want all of it back. But it doesn't matter. She _promised _me. She said that she wouldn't leave me again. But she _did. _If she needed me she should have stayed, not of wrote about it in some stupid letter! I'd never, _ever _do that to her. _Ever. _She was always there, _alway_s. For everything. And now she's gone and it kills me because I haven't been there for her. I take her for granted, over and over again. And there's _nothing _I can do to fix it. _Nothing. _Nothing that would make her forgive me." Hot tears were sparkling in her eyes. "And what am I supposed to do with any of that?"

I understood that last part. There was nothing I could do to make Rose forgive me. Nothing to make her forgive me for Siberia. Nothing to make her forgive me for what I'd said to her afterwards. She'd said that she had, but how could she? After what I'd done? If she wasn't lying, she was deluding herself. And how could I be with her when it was that selfish? I loved her too much for that.

"I'm sorry," I said softly, touching her arm. I hadn't meant to get so livid; I hadn't meant to hurt her. "I know…I know how hard it is for you." And I did. It didn't mean it was right or that Lissa feeling this way was fair to Rose, but life was like that. It wasn't perfect, as I had learned. I had so much to be grateful for; Lissa being one of them. She was the reason I was here. But then, so was Rose. I never forgot that. I just couldn't honor it the same way.

No matter what happened, there was no free ride in our lives.

She nodded, grateful. I then realized that Rose would have witnessed our whole conversation. Lissa seemed to realize it as well. Regret intensified in her eyes, but then she just shook her head. "She…she knows. I know she does. I can't feel her, but I know she feels me. All of it. It doesn't matter. " Her words were bitter.

Christian lifted her chin up to look at him. "And she understands," he said softly, gently. I knew he cared about Rose. After all, at St. Vladimir's first attack, they'd battled Strigoi together, taking out a number of them. And she trusted him as well, I realized. If she hadn't, she wouldn't of been able to leave.

Because no matter how much I'd hurt her, she'd throw herself into the line of fire gladly if Lissa was in danger. Life was cruel.

But we were all trying, in our own ways.

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View ****(A/N I don't know why.. It was really hard to get back into Rose's POV. Hope I did okay…)**

Like I'd thought I would, I regretted coming. I wanted to run like hell until I hit the hells, far enough away so that I could finally break down. Because I couldn't. Not here. Not now.

Lissa had finally made it clear. _I _had left her. And she wouldn't forget it. I'd seen the pain on her face—I'd heard it in her voice when she'd yelled at Dimitri. And _I_ had caused it. I kept hurting the person I was sworn to protect. And that hurt worse than any of it.

The fact that Dimitri had stood up for me made me feel a little better…and a little worse. God, did he have to keep tormenting me? Everything he did…everything he said…it gave me reason to hope that he cared. And with all that was going on…I just couldn't deal with that right now.

I couldn't deal with any of it. I felt like I'd been run over by a truck. I felt burnt out. Lissa had hurt me. It was hard enough to deal with that. But I had to deal with Dimitri, too. I had to deal with what he said and did and what it meant. It was too much. It was all too much. I wanted to get back to my room and just cry. And cry. Cry out all the pain that Lissa had inflicted, all the frustration, pain, and confusion Dimitri had evoked, and then just cry for hell of it.

"Stop it," Tamara said softly, following my gaze. Her words were caressed with a heavy Russian accent. Lissa was over there, working a crowd of royals. Her earlier emotions hadn't faded, but no one would know it. I could feel rumors already spreading, "Disgraced guardian Rose Hathaway begs for Princess Dragomir's forgiveness: Vasilisa has finally decided to run with a different crowd." Not from Lissa herself, of course, but just us being in a room together was pretty remarkable. The fact that we weren't talking would likely fuel them more. I could feel people staring at me. I kept my mask firmly in place.

Denis nodded, agreeing. "You look depressed. And you are too hot in that dress to look depressed." That made me smile. Mason—an old friend of mine, who was now dead—had said something similar to that to me, once. Just like last time, it was impossible to shove Lissa out of my head. Just like last time, regret flashed through the bond. I didn't want to hear it; I had plenty of regret do deal with myself. I missed Mason. I missed my old friends. I missed what I'd had before. Coming back to St. Vladimir's had reminded me just how much I'd missed it. And like I'd remarked before, I'd missed myself.

Ah. The dress. I hadn't wanted to wear it. It reminded me too much of when I'd played dress up for Dimitri the Strigoi. And that notwithstanding, I felt vulnerable in it. I'd never put much stock into the opinion that clothes could make you feel more comfortable. But now I finally understood. In my t-shirts and levis I felt ready for anything. With this dress, I felt unprepared. For one, there was no way I could carry my stake. I always carried a stake. It was an inevitable part of life that Strigoi could be anywhere. Anytime. They weren't necessarily restricted to the indoors when there were buildings and dark tinted cars at their disposable. And for two…this dress was tight. It didn't show a lot of skin, but I knew I looked good. It hugged my curves and well, my c cup wasn't looking too shabby either. From the way Artur and Denis kept looking at me I knew I looked more than good. I looked hot. Scandalous. And part of me really liked that. Another part of me just felt confused, like always.

I'd never used to be uncomfortable in things like this. I'd liked looking good. I still did. But it didn't mean I liked being left defenseless or being stared at by a few Moroi men like I was an option. I ignored them as best as I could.

It hadn't mattered what _I'd _wanted, however. Tamara had insisted. And I'd put up a good fight, too. There was no changing her mind. Honestly, I just wondered just _where _she had gotten it. Why would she pack a dress? An _extra_ dress? We were here to fight. Not mingle.

I also didn't like the fact that I kept wondering if Dimitri thought I looked hot.

I wanted a drink. That was a part of me I would've welcomed back, but I wouldn't let my upset composure make me vulnerable. Or stupid. I could be stupid without the liquor just fine.

Instead, I put on a good face and made decent conversation with Tamara and the guys, as well as Eddie, Mia, and my Mom and Abe, who'd come over to stand by me. I felt better with them around me. I laughed and acted as if I didn't need Lissa or any of those snobby royals. I had my own family. I didn't need to second group of people, sure, but I wasn't quite sure about Lissa. No, I was. I _did _need her. But like she'd said, there was nothing to be done for any of it; nothing that could make a difference. I still stood by my decision to stay out of her life. But, god, it was so hard sometimes. More like all the time.

Lissa of course, kept her distance, so naturally, Christian did is well. He gave me a small, sad smile, but that was it. I expected no more. He liked and respected me, maybe even cared about me as a sister, but Lissa was his girlfriend. He needed to be there for her. And I was grateful for that. If I hadn't known how much he loved her, I wouldn't of been able to leave. It was because of that love I knew that she'd always have someone, that someone being him. So I'd left her in his hands with a heavy heart.

Dimitri watched me. And watched me. He didn't even try to be sneaky about it. He just…stared. And when someone wasn't directly addressing me back, I didn't feel like I had to be sneaky or look at him out of the corner of my eye either. He looked…amazing. He wasn't dressed up, at least not compared to the other people here. He had though, put on a nice, tan cashmere sweater. And good god, did it fit him well. Eventually, when my party had dissipated, he wandered over to me, standing beside me. I felt safer instantly. And less like I was flailing out of control.

After an hour passed I began to feel like this night might be manageable. But of course, it wasn't. It just wasn't.

The room was now being called to attention.

Queen Tatiana herself had entered the room.

I tensed. My body was preparing itself for the ultimate standoff. After all, Tatiana couldn't be so kind as to forget our last meeting, or could she? From the look she was giving me…it was pretty obvious that she wasn't happy I was here.

What I found funny was that no one except her royals seemed very happy that she was here. After all, _she _was the one who had sentenced their students to what was likely to be death.

**(A/N Prepare for the ultimate standoff. Juicy Rose/Dimitri action coming soon to a computer near you! I hope you liked this chapter… I tried to give you what you asked for! After all, I think Rose came in true Hathaway fashion. c: Thank you all for EVERYTHING! I love you guys! R&R!)**


	24. Chapter 22

**Dimitri Belikov's Point of View**

People were angry. That much was obvious.

My eyes met Rose's. She was looking at me. She stood up straight, eyes flashing with…pride. She was proud of her old home. I had a feeling she was making a sarcastic remark in her head. After a second, I realized why. The Queen had entered enemy territory. The age law might be yesterday's news at Court, but not here. Teachers, Guardians, Administration…it was _their _students being put at risk. And for that…St. Vladimir's wouldn't be so forgiving. The Queen hadn't considered that.

The Queen walked down an aisle,—this room was only used for royal assemblies like this—receiving blank stares, at least from the guardian's anyway. Everyone else either wore the anger plainly on their faces or didn't seem to understand what was going on—the latter was the royals that had accompanied her.

Moroi teachers had every right to be angry—even if it wasn't their race being sent off to battle two years early, it _was_ their students, students they'd grown to like and care for. Also, it was just morally wrong. But the dhampirs—the guardians? It _was _their race being risked without a second thought. The guardians that mentored students were even angrier. They'd formed relationships with their students—much like Rose and I had formed a relationship, before it had become complicated by Victor Dashkov's lust charm, anyway. They cared about them. Even though such a short time had passed, I'd begun to care about Will, Aubrey, Nathan and our other students.

It also didn't help the fact that this decree solely helped _her _people. The dhampirs were _not _her people, though she said differently. Only dhampirs graduated early, missing out on the social, academic, and combat instruction they needed.

Followed by the queen were eight guardians and a few other royals. She had brought far more than that—after all, as Rose had stated, this was indeed a 'war zone'. Those guardians were the only reason this event was made possible. Tonight, they protected St. Vladimir's. Our guardians still felt weary of course, but…these were the best of the best, right?

The royals split off from the Queen and joined the rest of us, leaving her to stand alone on the heightened floor. Guardians lined the walls, dressed in red-and-black-pin-striped jackets, standard royal guardian attire. "Her Royal Majesty, Tatiana Marina Ivashkov, has arrived," a royal said, kneeling. Those visiting kneeled as well.

Not even one of St. Vladimir's residents kneeled. It was tradition, one that no one felt the need to follow now. St. Vladimir's was fuming. They were angry at the Strigoi. They were angry at the Queen. And at the end of the day, they were just angry. The reasons didn't matter.

If she was surprised, she didn't show it. It was a definite sign of disrespect, certainly. It also sent a message. _You are not welcome here. _Rose and a few others began to smile with a gradual satisfaction. Rose looked as if she would have stood anyway, even if the whole room had kneeled.

"Rise," Tatiana said to those who had kneeled. She then faced the front of the room, voice ringing throughout it with a royal, regal air. "I came here to express our extreme gratitude to those who gather here. Both those who are assigned here and those who have volunteered allow our students to gain excellent protection and instruction, for which we are grateful."

The room was silent for a few moments. And then…it wasn't.

A dry, sarcastic laugh came from close by. Then she spoke, saying what we were all thinking, more or less. "If you're so grateful, then why are you trying to kill us off?"

I wanted to shake her. Lissa looked like she felt the same way.

Rose. Rose, Rose, Rose.

The guardians lining the walls tensed and exchanged looks. I think I saw approval flash in a few of their faces. Those guardians would still defend Tatiana without a thought, but that didn't mean they had to like or approve of her. They might like Rose, but it really didn't mean much if she stepped too far out of line. The rest were blank masks. I looked over at Alberta. And so help me, she was _smiling. _

The last time Rose had been within 50 feet of Tatiana, she'd been removed from the premises. I never found out exactly why, but knowing Rose? It had been an event to remember.

The Queen's eyes sparkled with a dangerous glint. _Definitely _an event to remember. She did _not _look happy to see Rose.

I had a feeling that this was a familiar ritual.

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

Lissa's shock and disapproval radiated through the bond. Really, she shouldn't have been surprised. After all, I _was_ her best friend. Her best friend that had always been known for jumping into things before really thinking about the consequences. And as for her disapproval, well, it wasn't really directed at me, exactly, or at what I was saying, but she thought it was _not _a good idea to be doing this. That it was, just like Tatiana probably thought, was just another irrational move by Hathaway.

But, among other things, Lissa had hurt me tonight, and I really didn't care what she thought about my "irrational" decisions. Maybe my mind wasn't all that clear right now, but whatever. I'd add the consequences to the pile. Whatever the reason was, my voice rang throughout the room.

The room wasn't silent anymore. People were whispering—about me. I hadn't stood out before, but boy did I stand out now. Whispers grew louder. Looks were exchanged. Tatiana's guardians tensed. People looked at me with either confusion because they didn't understand what the fuss was about, approval because they thought I was right, or knowing expressions that made me think they expected no better.

Tatiana faced me and spoke, voice seemingly pleasant. I knew better. "Miss Hathaway. How kind of you to appear." Her eyes were not pleasant—they did not match her voice, which suggested she was actually happy to see me. There was a dangerous glint in them. My body tensed. The dropping of my guardian title was just another way to show how "beneath" her I was.

But I played along, laughing. My words had no such plan, however. "Well. I don't do desk jobs. Or enjoy being used for your purposes. I'm sure you remember." My voice was hard—not quite threatening, but one that definitely showed how I felt. My words dripped with derision. When we spoke, the room quieted.

_Rose…_Lissa said through the bond, the warning in her voice clear. I hadn't received an "instant message" for a while. I could feel Dimitri's eyes on me and I knew if I turned around they would be wide and confused.

The Queen laughed softly. "You testified, Rose. And by your own admission, our protection has been increased, something you all must accept. You should be proud." I made no effort to hide my scowl any longer. Others in the room dropped their blank masks as well. "But yes," Tatiana agreed. "Certainly." Her voice had an edge to it that was definitely not so nice. "But you did not answer the question I intended to convey. What brings you back to folds of our society?" Someone scoffed at the words "our society." I think it was my mother. She'd grown as well. She fully understood that sophomores were in no way ready to give up their lives, no matter how excellent the training they received was. What surprised me was the fact that she showed it. Maybe we weren't complete opposites after all.

"I told you about my past and you twisted me into the poster child for your disgusting decree. The council used me. _You _used me. My reasons for being here are my business, Tatiana." That might have been going a little bit too far—after all, she _was _the Queen. Using her first name also caused a stir. It was—naturally—a sign of disrespect. It was better, however, than calling her a sanctimonious bitch. It was also _much _less satisfying.

Tatiana's eyes flashed to my mother and father disapprovingly. The latter also earned an astonished widening of eyes. Abe—being Abe, flashed her an ever-so-charming grin. I wanted to hit him. She then turned back to me. "I never thought that you'd leave the guardians. So much potential. You might have-one day-returned to a bodyguard assignment." She _tsked. _

"However," She continued, her eyes looking at Lissa and back to me, who were noticeably on opposite sides of the room, "some good has resulted out of your actions. Vasilisa can now live her life without your taint. She has grown to be quite a remarkable young woman despite your past influence," She gave Lissa what was supposed to be a fond smile. Lissa's face was blank, but anger and disgust at what the Queen had said radiated through the bond. I could feel my friends and family getting angrier and angrier by the minute.

Tatiana shook her head and focused back on the crowd surrounding me. "I assure you that this verdict is in the best interest of your people as well. We need not continue stressing over a decree that has already passed and is permanent. This is an assembly meant to convey our gratitude to St. Vladimir's sacrifices. Not the place to discuss past events."

It took everything I had to not see what her assessment of me was when she picked herself off the floor. Thankfully, had learned _some _restraint. Besides, ten guardians would have me down before I took two steps. I wanted to rant and rave and throw a few punches, but I couldn't. I wouldn't.

And I didn't have to. It was then when all hell broke loose. People did the ranting and raving for me. Guardians created a circle around Tatiana in case anyone decided to resort to physical means. And me? I felt ill.

Her words hit me harder than she'd realized. After all, she was right. She didn't even begin to understand how accurate her words were, for which I was grateful. With that slap in the face she realized that she had bigger things to deal with.

A part of me wanted to be in there to rant and rave and argue and tell her exactly why the age law _wasn't _in our society's best interests. Or ask why, if Lissa was so remarkable, she didn't give her a spot on the council. Another part of me just wanted to leave. That part won out.

I slipped out the back doors. I wanted to go back to my room, but I just didn't have the strength left. I leaned against the wall, needing its support. After a few minutes passed, I slid down it, pulling my knees up to my chest. The worst thing about it was either the fact that my cockiness had come and was determined to bite me in the ass or was because I had been right.

It was definitely an event I could fully regret attending without question.

I'd thought that no one had noticed my exit, but sure enough, someone slipped through the doors and joined me.

"I'm sorry she's being so hard on you. You don't deserve that," a voice says, breaking the silence. I didn't know if he was talking about Lissa or the Queen, but it didn't really matter.

As Dimitri sat down beside me, I realized that I was crying. Fantastic. Just freaking fantastic. I hastily wipe at my eyes, hoping he hadn't noticed the obvious. It was _so _not happening. Unfortunately, even if he hadn't, the tears were still coming.

"Not your fault." My nose was stuffing up. "Pretty pathetic, huh?" I asked, laughing bitterly. I sounded pretty pathetic. I looked pretty pathetic. It was time for me to face the music. I was pretty pathetic.

Once again—after two years—I felt an overwhelming urge to throw myself into his arms, hoping he could take away the pain I felt and lend me the strength I needed. He'd always been able to do that. On the other hand, I wanted to scream and rant that he had no right to come out here and make me feel this way. Instead, I just looked up at the sky, which was filled with dark clouds. A storm was coming in.

"Not pathetic. You've never been pathetic. You never will be." His words were a lie, I knew, but they went a long way to soothe me. Him just being out here went a long way to soothe me. Dimitri had always been like a balm to me. "And it _is _my fault. If I hadn't…treated you the way I did you wouldn't have left. She'd have no reason to hurt you." So we were talking about Lissa. The Queen…well she had plenty of reasons to hurt me.

Huh. Well it felt good to know that he blamed himself for than me. But it was selfish. I'd come to realize that I couldn't be selfish with him. I loved him too much for that—even after all of this time. "You couldn't help the fact that you never loved me any more than I can help the fact that I still…" I stopped myself just in time. _That I still love you. _

Dimitri didn't seem to notice that last part too much. He was preoccupied with something else. His face showed surprise—a lot of it. It took him a few seconds to respond. "I never loved you?" He asks, voice incredulous, as if he wants to hear my answer almost as badly as I wanted to hear his.

I continued on as if I hadn't heard him speak. "The point is…I've never blamed you for any of this. And you shouldn't either." He reaches out, taking my hand, and I flinch involuntarily. But…surprisingly, he doesn't let go. And it felt…nice. Not like the overwhelming feelings I'd felt when I'd first seen him. Just…warmth. Like holding your hands up to an open flame. I suddenly wonder if there could be anything between us. Not romantically, of course, but maybe we could be…friends? No, I decide. He hadn't wanted anything to do with me before—he still didn't know. Of course it was just pity. Of course. And even if he did, how could I be the girl who says, "I'm happy for you," when he met someone else—someone else better. I couldn't do that. But could I do it if he wanted me to stay? If some part of him could love me as a sister or a friend? As a student, even? Maybe…But Lissa had given me all of that and I'd still left her. I couldn't stay. Russia was my home. I'd repeated the words over and over. If I kept repeating them, eventually I'd believe them whole heartedly.

"All of this is my fault. You shouldn't be trying to comfort me about it," he says thickly, emotion coating his voice. There's a faint of his godly Russian accent. I know without looking at him that his gaze has hit the floor and that depressed, hopeless Dmitri is not gone.

I want to tell him that I'll do whatever the hell I want and that he's full of it. But the look of agony on his face stops me. Something occurs to me, stopping me dead in my tracks. I try to think of what to say. Something. Anything. Anything that will help him feel better. But in the end, I don't have to because he breaks the silence.

"Why did you stand up for me? With Aubrey?" I hadn't expected this to ever come up-of all the things he could ask me, why this? "You said that you wanted to keep this professional; you didn't want to be friends."

That was true. And so was my answer. "You shouldn't have to deal with that. You shouldn't have to pay for something that wasn't your fault in the first place." Dimitri looked taken aback. What had he expected me to say? That it was because I loved him? He already knew that, or well, he should have.

But even if I'd moved on I wouldn't of let Aubrey ramble on. I wasn't cruel...or so I liked to think. A few minutes passed as Dimitri analyzed what I said. I knew he didn't feel that way-and he knew that I knew. So he took a different approach.

"But you do. You think that you should have to pay for it-that you should have to pay for things that weren't in your control." Now I was surprised. I shouldn't be. I should have been used to Dimitri's uncanny sense of my thoughts and feelings.

He was, however, wrong about a few things. "I'm in control. Those are all me, comrade. It doesn't matter if my intentions were good. Being Strigoi...that wasn't you. None of that was you. All of that's behind you." And it was. That's what he couldn't see and what I could see better than anyone. There was no way that the man I'd known could be a monster. He was just too damn stubborn for his own good.

A haunted look crossed his face. "Maybe. Maybe not. The gym-" I cut him off.

"Wasn't anything. It was a lapse. It wasn't you. It won't happen again." It was similar to what he'd said to me when I'd battled spirit's darkness. "You're stronger than it."

"I could have killed you."

"Like hell. I eventually would have shoved you off. Or Will or Nathan would've, once they got over the initial shock of it all. It doesn't really matter. What's a few broken ribs? A dramatic 'death' scene might convinced Liss to give me a break." My last words were forced and hurt a bit coming out, but I was content to keep up the joking as long as possible. It was an old standby to hide discomfort. I didn't want to think about the gym and the frenzied look I'd seen in his eyes.

He didn't say anything. He apparently didn't think my joke was as funny as I did.

My hand touched his arm gently as he looked off into the distance. It wasn't the kind of touch that said that I had a plan or that just wanted intimacy. Just a small touch to let him know that he wasn't alone. And he was, a lot of the time, I realized. I'd known it before, and it hadn't changed. Dimitri had always been sort of antisocial, content to hole up in his room or in the chapel with only his thoughts. If anything, that had been increased.

And now, I was the same way. It wasn't a conscious choice.. I just didn't have what I'd had before. I'd been a solid person before I'd met Dimitri. But he'd snuck up on me and had completely consumed me. It didn't feel like that now, though. It was just...peaceful. Easy as breathing. No eclipse. No white hot passion. Just a soft breeze.

The look in his eyes made me want to wrap my arms around him. It made me want to stop feebly trying to forget the past. It also made my misery seem ridiculous. "I understand. Really. There is no one in this world who understands frenzied, dangerous lapses of control more than I do. It's like you told me. You _are _stronger than it. You lost yourself. Life is all about finding yourself. You did it, in the end. No damage inflicted."

I knew that there was a part of Dimitri that was broken. But I didn't doubt that it could be repaired. "How'd you get so wise?" Dimitri's voice was teasing, and I knew he didn't want to talk anymore. It was also gentle, like he was appreciative.

"I had a good teacher. The best, in fact." I returned the smile and laughed. Hell, everyone knew Dimitri was one of the best.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, I turned to him, a soft blush creeping onto my cheeks. Damn it. "Some things never change, you know. I...I said before that I'd never abandon you. That I'd be there for you. I still mean it. I know it's all kind of void now, but... For what it's worth, I hope you find whatever you're looking for. I'd never begrudge you that. " I stopped and paused for a second to see him staring at me intently. I'd had no intention of making it longer than that, but what the hell?

He'd seen me break down and start crying like a two year old. What was a little more? " And that's why I left. I...had to put myself back together, sure. It was better for both of us if I left. You didn't want me around and if I had stayed you would've snapped. We both would've. Staying just because I needed you-and her-was too selfish. Victor was right about one thing: she's a vehicle for change. She'll be the one staging a revolution. With or without Tasha and the rest of those crazy rebels. If they ever change that law..."

I forced myself to get back on topic. "Lives fall apart around me. People get hurt. And that's my fault. But...some good came out of the downfall. You're a dhampir. It's stupid that you don't have a guardian status, but I've seen how guardians treat you; at least the ones here, anyway. They respect you." I didn't care, and they had every right.

My tone became gentle. "I...I know the rest of it is hard.. But.. You're happy, right? You aren't a guardian...yet...but you're helping them, even though I'm sure being treated like a lab animal sucks." I stopped for a second. "And Liss...she helps you? " I knew the answer to my question before the words left my lips. Lissa was kind and compassionate; it killed her to say an unkind word to anyone-let alone me.

But even so, that didn't mean that Dimitri would ever reveal his heart to her, even if she was his savior.

He'd pretty much locked everything up until he'd met me. But maybe, maybe he still trusted me enough to reveal what was killing him inside. "My happiness is what you're worried about?" His face was hard-twisted. Wry. Incredulous. All things I didn't like. Whatever warmth he'd honed disappeared. Our easygoing charade was fading.

Before I'd tried to get through to him with anger and by playing on his sense of obligation. It hadn't worked. Damn it.

I wasn't the type of person who did this. I wasn't Lissa, who could wait patiently, offering only warmth. But if, _if _nothing had really changed, I was all he had. He'd come out here to me crying, and now I was comforting him. Maybe that meant something. Maybe tonight he'd have one less nightmare if I could conjure up the right words.

Suddenly the door opened again and my thoughts broke off abruptly. A blonde head peeped out and scanned the court yard. "Rose?"

Lissa's jade green eyes landed on me sympathetically and I felt nothing but guilt and sorrow pulsing through the bond. "I need to talk to you. Please-"

I had no time to answer because Dimitri was urging me to my feet. A second later, I realized why.

An army of Strigoi had descended upon us. I mentally cursed at myself. I was unarmed. Naturally, they would a night where guardians were too busy prying people apart to be fully alert to the outside world—a world filled with red eyes and sharp fangs. Naturally, they would pick a night where I wore a freaking dress of all things.

Naturally, of all nights, they would pick tonight.


	25. Chapter 23

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

**(****A/N Oh… a lemon! Well.. I don't know yet. XD I looked in the last few chapters to see if I could find where I said the stake was attached to her leg…and I found nothing! Maybe you were thinking of a different story? If you'll find the section and paste it here I'll make sure to correct myself! You are right about the ghosts, however, and while it hasn't occurred to Rose just yet, it'll come into play later in this chapter! Thank you! I appreciate it! **

**I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update!)**

It was just what we'd feared when I'd been his student. Of course the age difference had come into play, but our main worry was that if we had a relationship it would make her vulnerable. Dimitri leapt in front of me and began trying to push me behind him, seeing as I wasn't equipped with a weapon. Doing so left our Moroi—Lissa—exposed.

I didn't have time to overanalyze what Dimitri's initiative could be or process the fact that I was still in that damned dress. The Strigoi took that opening without a second thought. He leapt at her—or would have. I managed to wiggle out from behind Dimitri and tackle him before he took a single step. Coordination didn't really apply here. Getting him away from Lissa did.

_They come_ _first. _That was still my mantra, no matter what the guardians said about me or what I did with Denis and the others. That was the mantra all guardians lived by, what had been grilled into novices since they could walk. Even if it wasn't my life anymore, I still believed it whole heartedly. Many—like Tatiana—took us for granted, but that didn't change the fact that the dhampir race needed Moroi for its survival. Without Moroi there would be no dhampirs, seeing as we couldn't reproduce with each other. And of course, the magic they honed was also an important part in our world.

But honestly? With Lissa's life on the line, it wouldn't have mattered if I believed differently. If it came down to me or her, I'd walk into the monster's lair without thought.

Jump into him was a more accurate term, seeing as he remained solid as a brick wall, though his face clearly displayed surprise. He shoved back—hard. Lissa screamed as I lost my footing and just barely had enough sense to outstretch my hands to break my fall.

I recovered instantly. It was how we were trained, after all. I felt nothing. I was in fight mode, my adrenaline running high.

He was a newly made Strigoi and his build clearly indicated that he'd been a Moroi before he'd been turned, but it really didn't matter. I was unarmed and had no leverage. Nothing to kill him with. I could only evade now. Where was Christian when you needed him?

I searched the area, looking for any kind of feasible weapon as I had many times before. I, of course, found nothing. My opponent, judging from his fanged smile, didn't seem to regard me as a threat at all. He lunged toward me, and I evaded, but not before I got his shin.

My eyes strayed over Dimitri, who fought three male Strigoi who looked like they'd been dhampirs before they'd been awakened. They were clearly older. Wonderful. I'd gotten the weakling. I guess I had to be kind of thankful for that, but still. _Of course_, they'd presumed that _he _was a problem and I wasn't. And of course _he _had a stake.

I could tell he wanted to help me out, but he was kind of busy at the moment. He'd most likely come after me the second I leapt but had been ambushed in return.

I could also tell that he was under control. I could see a pained look in his eyes, but he stayed composed. There wasn't a repeat of the gym. Thank god. That was one problem we did _not _need right now. Dimitri's mental state—as well as my own—was a worry for another day.

That glance cost me. My opponent got through my defenses and attempted to pin me, snarling. Lissa moved forward instinctively, indecision and fear outlining her features. I just barely got away. He was taller and stronger, but I was faster for the most part. My smaller size could prove to be an advantage if I used it the right way.

Reality finally set in. "Lissa! Get the hell out of here!" I yelled, dodging another one of his grabs.

I was good, but I wasn't stupid enough to think that I was invincible. Her trying to play hero would just result in me getting distracted and possibly killed. She was a liability. Naturally, being the stubborn person she was, she failed to listen. Or maybe it was just fear that held her in place. Or stupidity. Definitely stupidity.

_Focus._

I could probably keep this up for a while, providing he didn't overwhelm me with his strength and kill me. Fortunately, I didn't have to.

Two guardians protruded from the doors, one guardian went to help Dimitri and the other to help me. That didn't really surprise me. The guardian, however, did. My leg snaked out and hit the Strigoi's knee, and I had the pleasure of seeing him falter.

"Mikhail?" I asked in surprise as he drove his stake through my Strigoi's heart.

He smiled slightly. "Hello Rose."

What a small world it was. I guess it wasn't all that strange, seeing as Mikhail didn't have a bodyguard assignment at Court. If they could, they'd send as many lower class guardians as possible. It was unfair, but it was better than leaving Moroi unprotected when they ventured outside of Court. There were so many places to protect and not enough guardians to do it. Tatiana had been right in that aspect. But that didn't mean that killing off the dhampir race was the answer.

I hugged him. He seemed surprised and was stiff, but then he loosened up and hugged me back. "Thank you," I say in his ear. "For everything," I continue. He seems to understand what I mean. He just gives me a sad smile, looking at Dimitri, who now was looking me, having killed his Strigoi, and then at me, a question in his eyes. I just shake my head. _No. _

"Rose!" Dimitri yells, tossing me a stake that he'd picked up from a fallen guardian. I caught it effortlessly, feeling an extreme pang of sorrow and grief in my chest. It didn't matter that I hadn't known the guardian; he was still someone in our ranks with family and friends and beliefs that he'd cared about, someone with a life. Someone who could be as important to someone as Lissa and Dimitri were to me. For only a second I let myself feel. I nodded my thanks, unable to trust my voice. Then I packaged up my grief and locked it into a small compartment with all of my other feelings. I'd deal with them later.

Suddenly, Lissa made a strangled sound, breaking the silence. Her face was filled—unsurprisingly—with terror. Her body trembled. I made my over to her, placing my hands on her shoulders. My voice was somehow gentle and firm at the same time. For just a second, how much she'd hurt me and how much I'd hurt her just didn't matter.

"Listen to me," I said, my dark eyes assessing hers. "I need you to get out of here. Go back inside. Find Alberta. See what she wants you to do. If you can, stay by the Queen." That last part came unwillingly, but I meant it. If I'd learned anything, the safest spot would be with Tatiana and her army of guardians. They were the best of the best.

"No. I'm not going to leave you." The words were resilient and courageous—all things I liked to see in my best friend. Dragomir traits. Bold and beautiful. It reminded me how strong she was. She felt weak half of the time, but that wasn't the case. She'd never see herself clearly.

Strong was a word she often associated with me. She had no idea how wrong she was. After all, she never would've left me. I mean, yeah, I wouldn't have let her, but still. It suddenly occurred to me that that why she felt so angry. She hadn't stopped me, the way I would've stopped her. I hadn't given her a chance, and she'd had no way of knowing.

I placed my hand on her cheek, wiping a tear that had escaped with my thumb. "No," I repeated gently. "You are. Because after all that we've been through, you owe me that. You owe it to me to keep yourself safe." I kissed her forehead, taking a step back, perfectly aware of the fact that we needed to be alert. I noticed then that my chest hurt.

But she needed to get inside, get help, and stay safe. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to her. I'd feel guilty, even if it wasn't my fault. That's how it was with people you loved, I realized with a start. Guilt was just another part of life, one we all had to live with. I knew it well. Thinking about both the two most important people in my life, I realized that I wasn't alone. _Definitely not alone._

Another tear fell and she nodded. The bond told me she also understood what I wasn't saying. Neither of us was safe if she was here.

I knew how hard it was for her to leave me. Of course I knew.

A part of her just didn't want to leave because she was afraid that if she did she'd never see me again. I understood. A part of me didn't want her to leave either, wanted to have her beside me and know that she was okay, that _I _was protecting her. But I'd have the bond. "Go," I said, hugging her tightly, as if she was a lifeline. I don't think she realized how hard it was for me to let her go.

She went—reluctantly, of course. I let myself look after her for just a moment. "Love you, Liss," I said softly as she reached the doors, a tear escaping. The words hurt coming out and I couldn't believe that I was saying them. But right now it didn't matter that we'd hurt each other over and over. What mattered was the fact that if I never saw her again, she needed to know that without a doubt that I loved her. It was a very real possibility that I would never see her again. There was always that risk when you fought evil creatures of the night for a living. And of course, I wasn't the only one in danger. That was what scared me. I finally understood what true love meant… love meant that you cared for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.

I wasn't sure she'd heard me until I got a message through the bond. _Love you, Rose. _I didn'tmuch feel like smiling, but my lips betrayed me. A second later I received another message. _Be careful. _

_You to. _I thought, and wished that the bond worked both ways.

I turned toward Dimitri and Mikhail. "You okay?" Dimitri asked softly, and I simply nodded.

"What do we do now?"

We found the group out by the front gates. It looked like there were about eight Strigoi and three guardians still standing in this spot. On the sides of me there looked to be at least sixty Strigoi together overall and one third as many guardians out here fighting. I didn't want to think about how many guardians we'd lost.

Our preparation went to waste, seeing as at least thirty guardians were in the ballroom, probably trying to stop a royal assassination. The battle had become bloody very fast—on both sides. More guardians were coming, I knew, and I hoped they'd hurry. We were doing surprisingly well, but the night wasn't over yet. Once someone with authority knew of the breach it would only be a matter of minutes until everyone knew and safety procedures were exerted. We'd been prepared for an attack…but not one of this extent. Whatever loss we experienced wasn't an effect of lack of skill. We were just outnumbered.

I didn't know whether to be grateful or not that the Strigoi had picked tonight. We had more guardians because of the Queen's arrival, but St. Vladimir's guardians were slacking off tonight. We'd all been living it up (okay, not really), assured that that the Court guardians would keep us safe. Tatiana's guardians were the best of the best, but our guardians knew this school better—they knew every rock, every tree, every building. We'd been prepared…but not for this. This large of a group was unimaginable. It just didn't happen. I remembered something I'd said to Dimitri years ago. _This changes everything, doesn't it? _

Yes. Yes, it did.

Dimitri, Mikhail, and I jumped into the fray. Within a second, I stood near an entrance, fending off three Strigoi, the body of a fourth lying at my feet. I had enough good sense to know that I was battered and bruised, but I couldn't feel anything, not yet, anyway. Dimitri fought with his back to mine, fending off Strigoi of his own. Mikhail fought with a guardian from Court back to back.

It was difficult to stay focused. And that was a problem, seeing as it could get me killed. I had to keep reminding myself of that.

Lissa's emotions were overwhelming. She was so, so afraid. Afraid for the school. Afraid for Christian. Afraid for herself. Afraid for _me. _

Afraid that she'd lose me again—this time for good. Afraid that I'd never know how much she cared or how sorry she was. It was silly, of course. I knew exactly how she felt—all the time. However, she wanted to say the words out loud almost as much as I wanted to hear them.

There was a part of her that wanted to know how I felt as well. She wanted to know that I regretted leaving her. That I'd never do it again. And most importantly, she wanted to know that I was happy. That my life was full.

That was something I wanted to know as well. Was she really happy? Really? And what about Dimitri?

Yes, what about Dimitri? The very same Dimitri who looked as if he could have taken on this army himself. His height in no way affected his movements—movements that were like those of a cobra striking out against its prey. He moved with such grace, such confidence…

I'd forgotten just how lethal he was. He could kill a Strigoi without breaking a sweat. He was my instructor, after all. He had such intensity to him—something that made him powerful, in more ways than one.

That intensity had certainly made me powerless as his fingers grazed my skin and his lips—his beautiful lips, lips that could change from firm to soft and wonderful within mere seconds—spoke my name, implying that I was the most beautiful creature walking this earth. _Roza…Roza…_

Damn it. _Focus, Rose. _That was harder than fighting. All of it was. Fighting was easy. It was _why _we fought that mattered.

Right now, I didn't know what I was fighting for. I was stuck in a bubble; waiting to live—truly _live. _Waiting to die. Waiting for something. Anything.

If I didn't stay in fight mode I wouldn't have anything to wait for—death would be on my doorstep and there would be nothing anyone could do about it.

In the moments that passed I didn't fight for any one person; I didn't fight for myself or for Lissa or Dimitri or St. Vladimirs—I fought for _everything. _Every word, every touch, every tear, every smile, every memory; no matter how painful. Because there was one thing I knew for certain, amidst all the craziness.

Two years ago I wouldn't have cared whether I'd lived or died. But something had changed along the way; I'd let down my defenses—even if for just a second, and in that lapse, I'd found that I was in too deep now. It didn't matter how sketchy my relationships were. For whatever reason, I wanted to live. I was certain of that. Somewhere along the way I'd gathered the courage to truly _feel._ I wasn't going to give that up. I wasn't going to give up my life, which I was obstinately trying to put back together. I fought for all of that.

I fought for life itself.

**Dimitri Belikov's Point of View**

Roza was beautiful in battle. She struck out fearlessly, her moves lithe and graceful, like those of a dancer. It was almost paradoxical, considering that almost everything Rose did was reckless and impulsive; based on a need that filled her. A need to prove herself. A need to keep those she loved out of harm's way. A need that made her life impossibly messy and unbalanced, two words that definitely did not describe a dancer. A need that I loved that about her.

Of course, I loved everything about her, even the flaws. Especially the flaws. And I hated that.

I hated the way she had to make everything okay when it clearly wasn't. The way she hid her face and the way her gaze hit the floor; the way she tried to lie and the way she didn't trust me anymore. I hated the way she couldn't accept anything until she had no other choice and the way she hurt herself and let me hurt her as a result. I hated the way she read my mind and made me wonder every second of every day what she was thinking, because even I couldn't get beyond the barrier—that secret part of herself that she just wasn't willing to share. All of that was maddening to me.

Most of all I hated the fact that in the same ways I loved her—loved her so much it hurt. How I had absolutely _no _right to feel that way and still did anyway. That _was_ a crime.

Rose had changed. She was stronger; faster. Lethal. I'd heard Lissa talking to Christian one night, talking about how 'rough' she looked. Now, I had to agree. She wasn't Rose anymore—wasn't even a guardian. She was a warrior. A rouge warrior. The same conditions that had left bruises and worn skin also left strong muscles—a seasoned guardian. One I'd always known she'd become. I'd always known that she'd be one of the best.

Even so, I wanted to throw myself in front of her as I had earlier. All of my instincts were screaming one thing: _protect her. _She was in danger. I had to save her. It was that simple.

I wasn't sure what had possessed me when I'd leapt in front of her. My immediate action should have been to protect the Moroi in the area—Vasilisa. But I hadn't thought of the last Dragomir. I hadn't thought of anything except for the fact that there was a Strigoi there and Rose was unarmed.

She wouldn't let me protect her though. She'd thrown herself in front of her charge, as I'd always wanted her to do; as I'd always expected her to do. She truly was a guardian.

Suddenly, a heard a scream. A familiar scream so full of agony that it stopped me dead in my tracks. I had just staked a female Strigoi and was removing my stake when his hand caught my shoulder, pulling me to him. The world stopped. Somewhere in the back of my mind I made the connection. It was the love of my life, screaming my name.

My struggles quieted when I saw my captor's face.


	26. Chapter 24

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

Nathan was alive. I'd thought for sure that he had died with the rest of Galina's army. Of course…If Marlen could've survived, it shouldn't surprise me that Nathan had.

Just like when I'd defended Lissa and when Dimitri had defended me, I had no time to think, no time to truly understand the fear coursing through my veins and the painful lull of each heartbeat.

All I knew was that I had to get to Dimitri. Nathan could _not _take him away from me again. It didn't matter that he wasn't mine to lose. It didn't matter that he didn't love me. For once none of it mattered. I suddenly understood what Dimitri had experienced when he'd leapt in front of me. It wasn't the type of situation where it felt like hours passed and you had time to contemplate what you were going to do. It wasn't a game. This was real. This was life and death.

I was grateful for the semi numbness; for it was the only reason I was able to take a single step toward Dimitri. I would kill Nathan. I would watch his life—_Bam! _

Something slammed into me, shoving me aside. A quick glance told me that it was a nearby guardian who'd accidentally backed into me. A baldheaded male Strigoi followed and I staked him with nearly no resistance as the guardian scrambled to his feet. She muttered something unintelligible, something I presumed to be a show of gratitude. I didn't care enough to investigate.

It was chaos. All I saw were faces of people who were either my comrades or my enemies. It was a sea of red. Blood was everywhere.

I couldn't see Dimitri anymore; I couldn't see what had happened to him. I didn't know whether he was alive or dead, prey or predator, here or taken away. That was unbearable. I was screaming his name like a fool at the top of my lungs, pushing and pulling people in and out of my way.

I wasn't the only one screaming. Battle cries and watching eyes surrounded us.

Unbelievably, only minutes had passed since the Strigoi had breached the grounds. The guardians who weren't fighting were trying to secure the school, ushering those who had attended the event inside. People inevitably were panicking—especially the royals. They saw what we all saw: blood. Guardians falling.

Everyone's worst nightmare.

_My_ worst nightmare.

I fought my way through the crowd relentlessly. Whatever trouble I'd had concentrating disappeared. I had one goal.

Seconds later, I found them. My eyes stayed on Nathan's back. I wouldn't let myself spare a glance for anyone—not even Dimitri. Nathan heard me coming and turned around shockingly fast.

I was ready.

I responded quickly, kicking him. I held the stake out, creating distance between us, but it did little good.

We fought in the confined space. The battle hadn't halted, even though it felt like my world had stopped.

_"I'll come back for you after I finish her."_

_ "You're not safe! Neither of you is. She's lunch, Belikov. Lunch._

_ "You exist. You're taking up space here, wasting everyone's time. You know how to find her—the Dragomir girl-yet you'll offer nothing remotely useful until Belikov gets off his ass and awakens you. And in the meantime, Galina forces me to waste time watching you and keeps promoting _him _because he's convinced her that you're going to be some amazing asset to us."_

_ "You're bonded! You know. Tell me now, and I'll kill you quickly. If you don't, I'll awaken you to get the information and _then _I'll kill you. I'll light you up like a bonfire."_

_ "—I will return to my original place by her side—especially after I stamp out th_e _Dragomir line."_

_ "Twice I've let her live. Next time _she's_ gone. I'm the one in control here, not you. _

We tested each other, attacking and blocking. My heart thumped in my chest, and sweat coated my skin. He moved in for an attack, coming at me with the full force of his body. I blocked the worst of it, but he was so strong that I was the one who stumbled from the impact. He didn't waste the opportunity and dragged me to the ground, trying to pin me.

Although he held most of me to the ground, I managed to maneuver my stake, scratching him. He snarled and flinched. That was all I needed. I rolled him over and held him down.

Abruptly, I realized with a start, that as I fought Nathan I was also fighting myself—the me I'd been with Dimitri the Strigoi. I was fighting the memories, fighting the person who I'd been.

I blamed Nathan.

He'd turned Dimitri. He'd threatened Lissa. He'd taken the two people I loved most away from me. If he hadn't turned Dimitri, we'd be together now. I would've graduated and become a guardian. He would've been reassigned. Sure, it wouldn't have been easy, but what was? We would've made it work. I'd be able to feel his hands touch my skin and lips form my name… I would've been able to relive the cabin over and over again…

I never would've left Lissa. We'd be at Lehigh and would've finally gotten the freedom we'd yearned for all of our lives.

No, it wouldn't have been easy. But it would've been perfect.

_"You're definitely a problem, but you _are_ beautiful—especially your throat. I can see why he wants you…"_

_Warring emotions played within me. Logically, I knew this was Nathan—Nathan, whom I hated for having turned Dimitri in the first place. Yet my body's need for Strigoi endorphins was raising its head too, and it barely mattered that it was Nathan. What mattered was that his teeth were only a breath away from my neck, promising that sweet, sweet delirium. _

It happened so fast. I wasn't even sure how he did it. Suddenly, his lips brushed my skin.

_And while one hand held my throat, the other ran down my waist, down to the curve of my hip. There had been a sultry edge to Nathan's voice, like he wanted to do more than just bite me. And after so many sexually charged encounters with Dimitri—encounters that never resulted in anything—my body almost didn't care who touched it. I could close my eyes, and it wouldn't matter whose teeth bit into me or whose hands peeled off my clothes. Only the next fix would matter. I could close my eyes and pretend it was Dimitri, lost in it all as Nathan's lips brushed my skin…._

My heart stopped. It wasn't just the fact that I suddenly made myself sicker than a dog or the fact that if he got what he wanted I'd die. It was the fact that I actually _wanted _it. I wanted it more than almost anything. _Once an addict, always an addict…_

No.

_No. _

Panic surged in me, an overwhelming sense of desperation and…anger. I would _not _let him kill me. I would _not _let him take Lissa _or _Dimitri away from me again. _No. _

Someone else apparently felt that way to because Nathan's lips disappeared.

If anyone should have been traumatized by Nathan's appearance, it should have been Dimitri. But he didn't look frightened. He looked strong and fearless. He was my instructor. Death in a cowboy duster. Then my eyes found Dimitri's face. That beautiful face was…

It was…terrifying. Ferocious. He'd had a similar look when he'd fought Nathan at the manor—that badass warrior god expression that said she could take on hell itself. The way he looked now…well it took that fierceness to a whole new level. This was personal, I realized. It wasn't just about saving my life or anyone else's. It was way, _way _bigger than that.

"It's a pleasure to see you both again," Nathan said icily as he dodged Dimitri's staking attempts. "Ah, the restored Strigoi and bloodwhore…" It didn't surprise me that he knew about Dimitri's restoration. The entire world—including Strigoi—knew about that.

Hearing him call me a bloodwhore was all I needed to break. I had a feeling that I looked pretty screwed up as well.

It was unfocused and out of control, and I suspected it was touched by the madness and darkness I'd absorbed from Lissa. The feelings exploded within me, and I wondered if they'd destroy me before the Strigoi did. The rage and distress caused my Nathan was smothering.

Then, suddenly, it was like the earth burst open. Translucent forms, glowing softly in the darkness, sprang up everywhere. Some looked like normal people. Others were horrible, their faces gaunt and skull-like. Ghosts. Spirits. They surrounded us, making their presence known.

The ghosts turned toward me. I'd had this happen before and I'd been practicing, trying to build up resistance. I'd progressed slightly.

They were everywhere. The ghosts were mobbing Nathan and the other Strigoi in the clearing. The spirits didn't have solid forms, but every place they touched and passed through me felt like ice. Nathan immediately began waving his arms to fend the apparitions off, snarling in rage and true fear. The ghosts couldn't hurt the Strigoi, but they were apparently pretty annoying—and distracting. That was all we needed.

Between Dimitri and me, Nathan didn't have much time for any more words. No one did much talking: friend or foe. Nathan was outnumbered and outmatched, especially between the two of us _and_ the ghosts.

The dance lasted for only a few more seconds. I watched in amazement. The dance was deadly, but it was clear who was superior here. Dimitri. He looked like hell…but yeah. Between the ghosts and his "magical intensity" Nathan had it pretty rough.

In the end, I was the one who staked him. Dimitri had given me a clear shot at his chest and I took it.

When Nathan fell, I fell with him. There was just too much. Too much for my mind to handle. Fear, anger, and—ugh-anticipation pulsed through me. Nathan was here.. Nathan was going to kill me. No. Nathan was dead. He was dead and so was I. But… if I was dead, why was I here? Had I gone to hell after all?

A part of me recognized my internal rambling as spirit's lunacy. If Dimitri hadn't realized something was amiss, he realized it now. I felt like Dimitri had undoubtedly felt in the gym—wild and out of control. The feelings were smothering me. Surely, _surely _I was drowning.

I felt broken. Shattered. My entire body was trembling. Or maybe it was shivering. It wasn't a result of thought. It was just a gut reaction to what had happened. There was no one in this world that scared me more than Nathan. Nathan. Nathan who had turned Dimitri into one of my worst enemies. Nathan who had threatened me as well as Lissa without a second thought. Nathan the Strigoi. Whatever it was, it made me powerless. I just…shut down.

"Roza!" Dimitri yelled as I went down, rushing over to me. His voice was filled with emotion—with fear. My knees just kind of…gave out. I was falling apart. Dimitri's anger and badassness turned into an expression filled with fear. Funny. I thought he didn't care?

His calloused fingers appraised my body, looking for an injury, presumably. Every place they touched was filled with warmth. "Where? Where is the pain?"

I shook my head, eyes flickering over to Nathan's lifeless body. Dimitri kept looking when I didn't answer. He would find nothing, though. Not unless a broken heart had suddenly become visible. "He might as well of killed me, you know." I gulped out. "Nathan."

Finding nothing, Dimitri studied me, his beautiful brown eyes deep with concern, confusion…and something else. Something else I couldn't identify. Damn it.

I found myself studying the war in front of us.

The ghosts were just what we'd needed. Guardians shouted at each other, confused as could be. A bitter laugh caught in my throat. Strigoi were randomly waving their hands in the air, trying to get away from the ghosts. Confusing as hell and comical, yes, but it was more than that. Guardians might be dumbfounded but they wouldn't waste a minute staking their opponents. They could pick them off one by one…

_ Those who danced on the edge of darkness and insanity shouldn't risk this. _

But how could I not?

Once in a while I'd see a flash of red. It took me a second, but soon I realized what it was. Fire. Strigoi had another thing to distract them. If anything, we'd learned how useful fire using Moroi were in a fight. Moroi controversies didn't really matter at the moment.

Dimitri caught me looking. "It's the ghosts, isn't it? You.. you lost control." As a Strigoi, he had experienced how annoying they could be. He wasn't asking me, but it still come out as a question. I didn't feel the need to answer him.

"I thought… when you went down.. I thought that...that..." I couldn't say it. I couldn't finish. I looked down at the ground and focused on trying to stop trembling. I didn't want to be weak. And I _especially _didn't want to be weak in front of him.

I had to put myself back together. I couldn't fall apart now. We needed to move and get back into the fray. Strigoi were trying to break through our barriers and breach the school—where Lissa was. We couldn't let that happen.

_I thought that I'd lost you again._

"Hey," he says gently, taking one of my hands and placing it on his face. The warmth of his skin overwhelmed me. I'd gone so long without physical contact that this much made me heady. He patted his face with my hand softly. "I'm right here, okay? Right here." I looked up at him, meeting the brown eyes I loved so much. The eyes I dreamed about. His voice had a tenderness to it, one I hadn't heard since the night his arms had encircled me when I'd cried at St. Vladimir's chapel. I'd been so afraid that I'd lose myself, that I'd become like Lissa when she used to cut herself, or like a former shadowkissed guardian named Anna, who'd killed herself. Dimitri had saved me though. Like he always saved me…

I hadn't been touched in what felt like forever. This much contact made me heady. My breaths were coming fast, in short little pants; my heart stammered in my chest. A tear ran down my cheek. He removed my hand but kept ahold of it, wiping the tear with the other.

"I'm never going to leave you."

That was a lie.

Another tear fell, and I pulled free of his hand. Mine felt painstakingly empty without his.

"Yes you will," I countered, hysterical. "You did before. You left me. You said you never would, that you'd always be there for me. Well, you weren't. You weren't there for me, Dimitri!" I stood up shakily; feeling like my heart was breaking all over again. I was rambling again. That scared me. All of this scared me.

Somehow he knew that I was talking about when Nathan had turned him. I finally realized that I was no more over that than I was over Dimitri himself. The world kept spinning, but I was still stuck, ensnarled in memories.

"I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to hurt you," he said softly, taking a step forward. He held my face in his strong hands. He touched me gently, carefully. As if he thought I was so fragile that I'd just break. I already had. Piece by piece…

And then..

Then…

He kissed me.

Emotion filled my body again, but now it wasn't hate or rage or anything like that. It was gentle; afraid. His thumbs caressed my cheek and the world disappeared around us. It was tentative and sweet. Beautiful. Oh god…I'd wanted this for so long…

It was nothing like when he'd been a Strigoi. How could I have ever mistaken him for _my _Dimitri? The one so full of life and love and warmth…The one that held my heart; one of two people who would inevitably crush me into pieces so jagged that there was no possibility of bringing them back together. _My _instructor…_My _lover..

I finally understood what had pulled me here. It wasn't just my noble vow to protect something of value to me. Somewhere deep inside I still hoped...still dreamed. Dreamed for the reunion I'd imagined all along. A dream exploiting forgiveness and acceptance and…_love. _

Love was something you just couldn't explain, like the look of beauty, the smell of rain, or the feel of forever. You never really stopped loving anyone. You learned to move on; to change, to grow, but you never really 'got over' someone you truly loved.

When I'd hunted Dimitri I was continually reminded of a poem I'd read, "_If your eyes weren't open, you wouldn't know the difference between dreaming and waking." _Now I was afraid, so, _so _afraid that my eyes were open and I _still _wouldn't know. I mean, this had to be a dream, right?

I mean, Dimitri was here and _he was kissing me. _They say that if you love somebody you should set them free and if they came back they were always yours. Was this Dimitri coming back? Could he truly be _mine_?

Being with Dimitri always calmed me, and he had the same effect on me now. But now, of course, I had new things to worry about. So many things.

But because this was neither the time nor place, I let myself indulge. Whatever I had to face later was worth it. So, _so _worth it.

My lips responded instantaneously to his, the curve of them fitting perfectly. We might screw up at everything else.. but this.. _this _we were good at. Very, _very _good. We had perfected this.

Broken as it may be, my heart leapt. It stammered in my chest, in strange rhythms and lulls, but beat it did. As our lips moved together, united in perfect synchronization, I realized something. I felt overwhelmed and out of control, but even so, I felt _right. _Whole. Not as if I was healed, but like there had never been a wound in the first place.

I felt unbreakable. I felt hope.

It didn't matter that we were amidst a battle of life and death, good versus evil; that Dimitri and I had run from each other time and time again. All that mattered was that I was falling, falling into a dark oblivion, falling in love with him all over again.

And I didn't mind.

I didn't mind at all. In fact, I didn't even think. I responded. The feelings that coursed through my veins and fueled my heart were neither righteous nor apprehensible, but it didn't matter. What mattered was that it felt like I had found my heart again. Like I was myself. Like I was truly safe. It felt as if we were in a bubble, a bubble which sizzled with passion and electricity and all things unequivocally magnificent.

Dimitri was my fire—no pun intended. He kept burning and burning me and soon there wouldn't be anything left of me.

And I didn't care.

To my dismay, Dimitri pulled back. I loved _this. _I needed _this. _I needed _him. _I needed him most of all.

Our foreheads touched, and we both were breathing heavy.

"I love you, Roza," He said voice indulgent; a whisper. Almost as if he couldn't believe he was saying the words himself.

No.

_No. _

Surely I had misheard him. It wasn't possible.

_Not after all of this time. _

"No," I pulled away, as if he was a snake. "Stop it.. Please." My voice was pleading.

And then off in the distance, I heard a loud cry, so full of anguish that my heart stopped. Dimitri and I instantly responded, searching the crowd for the source.

It came from Mikhail.

_Oh no.. .No. _This couldn't be happening.

But because the world had a sick sense of humor, it was.

Mikhail Tanner was thrashing, fighting off his own army of guardians as he tried to reach her. He stared after a chalk white face, with rich, azure blue eyes ringed in red and auburn tresses. Pure agony lined his face, and there was no room for any doubt that his world was crashing apart, a lot like mine had. "No!" I screamed, running forward. "Stop! She can be saved!"

The guardians that restrained them turned to me, though their attention was still on Mikhail. Their faces showed confusion. They probably didn't even recognize her. After all, it was how we were trained. We were trained to see creatures, not people. But I understood how difficult that was; I understood that better than _anyone. _

Mikhail had hunted her. He had wanted to save her, the only way he'd known how to at the time.

But now, he hesitated. Just like I had.

It was understandable. After all, he was brought face to face with his undead lover.

Sonya Karp stared back.


	27. Chapter 25

**Dimitri Belikov's Point of View**

I'll never be able to say for sure just how long the series of events took. In some ways, it felt like only one heartbeat passed. At the same moment, it was as though we were frozen in time. Like the entire world had stopped.

It was chaos. A group of guardians detached from the fray, their eyes on another target. "Stop him!" One of the guardians shouted, losing hold of a thrashing guardian in the process. "Mikhail! Stop!" Another yelled, catching hold of him.

Mikhail. A second later I realized who that was. Mikhail Tanner.

Mikhail struggled violently, his cry so loud that we all froze for a second, "Sonya!"

That was familiar. Sonya. Sonya..

"_If I became Strigoi…I'd want someone to kill me." Rose said, her eyes flashing with some realization. _

"_So would I," I said quietly. I knew then that—like me—Rose had some kind of weird sense of how life and death and good and evil worked with each other. We might get lonely sometimes. We might have to put our "fun" on hold. We might not be able to live the lives we wanted for ourselves. But that was the way it had to be. We understood each other, understood that we had others to protect. Our lives would never be easy._

_And making decisions like this was part of that. _

"_It reminds me of Mikhail hunting Sonya," Prince Dashkov murmured thoughtfully._

"_Who are Mikhail and Sonya?" Vasilisa asked._

_Victor looked surprised. "Why, I thought you knew. Sonya Karp."_

"_Sonya Kar…you mean, Ms. Karp? What about her?" She looked back and forth between Rose and her uncle._

"_She…became Strigoi," Rose said, purposefully not meeting her best friend's eyes. That triggered confusion in me. What could Rose want to hide from Vasilisa? "By choice," she continued. _

"_But I don't know who Mikhail is," Rose added._

"_Mikhail Tanner," Spiridon, a guardian accompanying us said softly. _

"_Oh. Guardian Tanner. He was here before we left," Rose said, frowning. "Why is he chasing Ms. Karp?"_

"_To kill her," I said flatly. "They were lovers."_

Much like Rose and I.

Rose had already made the connection. She rushed forward, eyes ablaze.

"Stop! She can be saved!" She cried, rushing forward. And like that, Rose was gone.

The guardians restraining Mikhail looked at her with confusion. They didn't get it. Why would they? They just saw another Strigoi, which wasn't what Mikhail saw. He saw Sonya, his lover. The lover he'd tried to kill.

Much like how Rose had tried to kill me.

Mikhail might have wanted to kill Sonya, but now he hesitated, just like Rose had hesitated when she had had an open shot to kill me. Rose understood that hesitation more than anyone. She understood what it was like to see someone you loved as a Strigoi.

She understood that better than anyone.

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

"_I love you, Roza."_

Those were four words I couldn't think about.

"_I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to hurt you." _

More words I refused to think about.

What about the kiss?

Definitely _not_ that.

Because Sonya Karp was right there, ready for us, doing all she could to avoid the oncoming guardians. When I'd first seen Dimitri as a Strigoi, I'd been so shocked that I'd frozen up. It had allowed him to capture me, so I mentally braced myself this time, knowing that I'd feel the same shock when I saw my former teacher as a Strigoi. And it _was_ shocking. Just like with him, so many of Sonya's features were the same as before: the auburn hair and high cheek bones…but her beauty was twisted by all the other terrible conditions: chalky skin, red eyes, and the expression of cruelty that all Strigoi seemed to wear.

Her eyes widened in surprise as they drank in—no pun intended—Mikhail. For a second she faltered, but then the look of malice repainted itself upon her features. She was not the Ms. Karp I knew—not crazy Karp. Well, she was crazy alright, or appeared to be as she tried to shoo away the apparitions. Considering that I had caused them…well, maybe she wasn't the only crazy one. Considering that I had just used a defensive manner on a Strigoi…that I was trying to _save _a Strigoi…There was no 'maybe' about it.

Mikhail's cries were still ringing through the field, livid and deafening. Mine echoed his, though I'd like to think that they honed at least a _little _more sanity. Probably not.

"That's Sonya Karp," Dimitri said, his voice lurid. Shouts of surprise followed, and one by one guardians began to understand the outburst.

I nodded, facing them. "She can be transformed back into a Moroi. Please. You _have_ to understand. "

A guardian emerged from the group, coming forward. Stan. He turned to me, and for once his voice wasn't filled with anger or mockery. It was grave—like he understood. He might be an asshole, but he wasn't unfeeling. "_We're under attack_. What happened with Belikov was a miracle. We're lucky if we can keep the school safe, let alone capture a Strigoi. And Rose…Dimitri was turned against his will. Sonya wasn't." It was the first time I'd heard him use Dimitri's first name.

What he said was nothing but the truth. As much as I wanted to hate him for it, I had to admit that.

I knew he was right. But he didn't understand why I _had _to. Surely I owed it to Mikhail. Mikhail. Mikhail who had helped me save Dimitri.

"She was _not _a murderer! That was her only choice!"

The guardians lost hold of Mikhail and he found me, rushing over. I shook my head when they threatened to overwhelm him again. _I'll take care of it._ If it was possible.

"Rose. We have to save her. Please. _Please._" He waspleading, asking me for something that was out of my control. His voice broke my heart right then and there. "You understand why." He looked at Dimitri pointedly and then back at me. He was right. I did.

_Fragile. It was still all so fragile. I'd sworn to myself that if we reached a moment where Dimitri was about to kill me and I hadn't learned anything more about saving Strigoi, I would do it. I would kill him. And this was my chance. Between Eddie and me, we could take Dimitri down. We could end this evil state, just as he'd once wanted. _

_Yet…less than a half hour ago, I'd been given a small piece of hope that as Strigoi could be saved. True, that part about a spirit user doing it was absurd, but Victor had believed. And if someone like him believed…_

_I couldn't do it. Dimitri couldn't die. Not yet. _

_I shot out with my stake, a hard strike that raked the silver point against the back of Dimitri's head. He let out a roar of rage and managed to turn and push me off while still fending Eddie away. Dimitri was that good. But Eddie's stake was getting closer to Dimitri's heart, and my friend's gaze was unwavering, intent on his kill._

_Dimitri's attention flitted between the two of us, and in one small lapse—only half a breath long—I saw Eddie get his stake in the zone, ready to take a shot at Dimitri's heart. A shot that looked like it might succeed where mine had failed. _

_And that was why, in one smooth motion, I struck out with my stake, swiping it across Dimitri's face and knocking Eddie's arm aside as I did. _

As I stared into Mikhail's eyes I relived the memory. I felt the trepidation that had coursed through my veins, the message that said that I could _not _lose him. Dimitri. I knew from experience just how crippling it could be. I just _knew. _

I took Mikhail's hand and squeezed it, forcing my voice to be calm as well as gentle as I could manage. "We're going to. We're going to save her." I didn't say that that was probably a lie. That it would be impossible to capture a Strigoi in the heat of battle. That would be impossible to _convince _guardians to capture a Strigoi in the heat of battle.

**Dimitri Belikov's Point of View**

Rose took Mikhail's hand and squeezed it, speaking to him in a calm, soothing voice. It was fierce, a promise. Something Vasilisa had once said came back to me.

"That's what I love about her," She'd said sadly. "She pushes through and makes everything sound so simple, when half of the time, she has no idea what she's doing."

That was Rose. Ready to persevere through anything, no matter how impossible.

I don't know why after all this time I'd decided to tell her. I opened my mouth and let out the truth, a truth I'd held on to for so long. I hadn't meant to. I hadn't wanted to. It wasn't fair; it wasn't right. How could I do that to her?

Right then it hadn't mattered. The reasons why I'd kept my mouth shut hadn't mattered. Only one thing had: if I didn't make it out of here—I wouldn't let myself consider the possibility that she might not make it out of here—I wanted her to know the truth. I didn't just want her to, I _needed _her to. I needed to say the words. She needed to hear them, even if they were selfish.

"_I love you, Roza." I whispered voice almost silent. I was afraid, just like she was. It was impossible not to be. The words were powerful and dangerous; I'd never meant to say them again. Not to her, not to anyone. But there was only one thing I'd ever wanted to say to her, but I wasn't sure she still wanted to hear it._

She answered my question.

"_No," She said, pulling away as if I was a snake. "Stop it.. Please.."_

Her voice was so soft, so gentle. So beautiful. It made my heart skip a beat.

"_I did it because I love you."_

"_And I won't let anything happen to you. I love you."_

_Well. Like I said, I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want us to hate each other. No matter how I feel about us ... I want you to be happy."_

"_This isn't over. I won't give up on you."_

So afraid.

_I won't give up on you. _

What if she had?

_You did before. You left me. You said you never would, that you'd always be there for me. Well, you weren't. You weren't there for me, Dimitri!_

She was right.

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

How was I supposed to pull this off?

I fought Strigoi for a living. I broke in and out of places. But capturing Strigoi was _way _out of my league.

Even if I managed to catch her, who would do it? Lissa was the only option. How could I risk her?

I'd take the darkness. But…

But…

My thoughts were distracting me. I'd done a pretty good job of staying alert, but in my lapse, I'd let my guard down on my right side. I turned around and found myself looking into Sonya's red ringed azure blue eyes.

Mikhail seemed to be rejoining reality, for which I was grateful. I understood what he was feeling. And god, it was _not _easy to overcome.

"_No…"_

_I wasn't sure if what I said the word or thought it. It didn't matter. The only thing mattered just then was what my eyes saw before me. Or rather what my eyes _thought _they saw. Because surely, surely, I had to be imagining this. It couldn't be real. Not after all this time._

_Dimitri._

_I knew him instantly, even though he'd…changed. I think in a crowd of a million people I would have recognized him. The connection between us would allow nothing else. And after being deprived of him for so long, I drank in every feature. The dark, chin-length hair, worn loose tonight and curling slightly around his face. The familiar set of lips, quirked now in an amused yet chilling smile. He even wore the duster he always wore, the long leather coat that could've come straight out of a cowboy movie._

_And then…there were the Strigoi features. His dark eyes—the eyes I loved—ringed in red. The pale, pale death white skin. In life, his complexion had been as tanned as mine, thanks to so much time outdoors. If he opened his mouth, I knew I'd see fangs._

_My whole assessment took place in the blink of an eye. I'd reacted fast when I'd felt him—faster than he'd probably expected. I still had the element of surprise, my stake poised and ready. It was perfectly lined up with his heart. I could tell, then and there, that I could make the hit faster than he could defend. But…_

_The eyes. Oh god, the eyes._

I knew what Mikhail saw now was her eyes. Here azure blue eyes, ringed in red. Eyes he undoubtedly loved. Why was the universe so cruel?

_Even with that sickening red ring around his pupils, his eyes still reminded me of the Dimitri I'd known. The look in his eyes—the soulless, malicious gleam—that was nothing like him. But there was just enough resemblance to stir my heart, to overwhelm my senses and feelings. My stake was ready. All I had to do was keep swinging to make the kill. I had momentum on my side…_

_But I couldn't. I just needed a few seconds, a few more seconds to drink him in before I killed him. _

But I didn't want to kill Sonya. Sadly, I knew from experience that it was difficult to not kill and not be killed at the same time.

"Hello Mikhail," she said pleasantly, striking out. Mikhail didn't even dodge. He was frozen up. I just barely was able to catch his arm to stop him from falling. He'd be a liability if he stayed in this fight.

_Oh, that voice. Dimitri's voice. The voice I heart when I feel asleep at night, the voice that had once told me he loved me…_

_No! It's not him. Dimitri is gone. This is a monster. _

I struck out first, raking my stake along her arm. I had to be careful. If it came down to me or her I'd have to kill her. If came down to her or Mikhail, I'd have to kill her. _Fragile. It was still all so fragile._

Yeah. Not killing and not being killed when fighting a Strigoi was kind of difficult.

We exchanged blows, one coming dangerously close to my eye. Mikhail was little to no help and the guardians were kind of busy.

Dimitri had disappeared.

**Dimitri Belikov's Point of View**

I knew what to do.

"_Tell me again. One more time. Why do you want to awaken me so badly?" She asked, growing rapid. _

_I had a feeling a lightly weary look crossed my face then as I answered her question. "Because I want you. I've always wanted you."_

_Some realization dawned on her then and a sad smile crossed her face. I didn't waste time analyzing her unusual behavior; it didn't matter anyway. Leaning down, she kissed me gently. Finally, something normal._

_She was doing it for the reasons she always did, out of attraction and desire, two things we both shared. My mouth answered hers, lips warm and eager. This continued until she did something that was _not _her usual behavior._

_Rose struck out and plunged the stake through my chest._

Which would've killed me.

If it was silver.

After about ten minutes I'd learned that it was _not _silver.

It was wood.

That's what we needed. Wood wouldn't kill a Strigoi, but it would stun one, which was what we needed to do. Once stunned we get her somewhere and lock her up, away from the others. What we would have to do after that was beyond me. We'd cross that bridge when we came to it.

Thank god for trees.

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

After everything I'd been through, nothing surprised me.

Well, almost nothing.

What _did _surprise me—as impossible as it seems—was the fact that Sonya spontaneously fell to the ground.

Well, kind of.

After staring at her lifeless body for a few seconds in utter horror and disbelief, someone—and by someone, I mean Dimitri, who had rejoined the scene as quickly as he'd left it—decided it might be a good idea to enlighten me. He lifted up the object he'd killed her with.

_Wood._

The word wood makes me think of a big lumber yard or an actual board or something substantial.

Dimitri held a _stick. _

A _stick. _

But it was a wooden stick, and it had gone through her heart, stunning her. She wasn't dead. Only about ten minutes would pass before she came to. We needed those ten minutes. Dimitri had Sonya in her arms, ready to go. Death in a cowboy duster.

And suddenly, everything would be alright.

Not.

A wail full of pain emerged from Mikhail. "You killed her. You promised me. _You promised me."_ There were tears on his face, and once again I stopped him from falling.

_You promised me._

"She's okay. She's going to be fine. It's wood, Mikhail," I assured him gently, holding him up. "You're okay. It's going to be okay."

As I was learning, Mikhail was a lot like me.

_I would never forget Dimitri, not for the rest of my life. And this time, I wouldn't forget his lessons._

_With a speed he wasn't ready for, I struck the sake through his out and plunged chest. My strength was there—sliding the stake past the ribs and straight into his heart._

_And as I did it, it was like piercing my own heart at the same time._

And I knew without a doubt, that that pain was very similar to Mikhail was feeling right now.

"I know," I said softly to him in understanding. "I understand."

**(A/N I am SO sorry that my uploading has been so irregular lately…and I hate to tell you this, but it might be even longer before I upload the next chapter due to family visiting, but I'll try! I appreciate you guys.. Thank you so much for sticking with me and my story! **

**Please don't stop now! I need your reviews now more than ever. You guys are the ones that inspire me to write this! I love ya'll!**

**On a side note…**

**God bless the victims of the Aurora, Colorado massacre. My heart goes out to them and their families. I pray that those lost to us will rest in peace and those injured will heal with a new sense of how fragile life is. I pray that we all will. Each moment we are given is precious. May God speed the recovery of both the victims and their families.)**


	28. Chapter 26

**Dimitri Belikov's Point of View**

"I know," she said softly in understanding, "I understand."

I'd known for a while that she understood Mikhail more than any of us did. But I was only now beginning to understand how perfectly.

That thought scared me. It hurt me. It broke my heart in pieces. I could see the pain in her eyes; the confusion. The distance. I knew that this night had been full of memories, memories she'd been forced to relive. Nightmares.

Nightmares that were still there, haunting me. Nightmares that ensured I could never have a future with her.

I couldn't be selfish with her.

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

We had one hour.

One hour to clean up, take care of fatal injuries and check in on things. When we'd protested, Alberta had given us a firm answer.

"You both look worse than I do."

Which, admittedly, was true.

I consented to that kind of guiltily—I didn't want to put Alberta out, especially after all that she'd done for me, but yes, I wanted to change. I didn't really feel any of my injuries yet, but I _could_ feel how tattered and bloody my dress was. There were parts of me showing that I didn't really feel comfortable with and all I wanted to do after checking in on things was take a shower, change, and dispose of it. I'd long since shed the stilettos. I wondered if I'd ever see them again. They really had been pretty, even if they were damned inconvenient. After that I just wanted to sleep. Having the ghosts up that long had really taken a lot out of me. I was running on adrenaline. If I kept it up I was going to crash. Hard.

"Tamara is going to kill me," I said jokingly, wanting to break the silence. I gestured down to the gory mess that was left of my dress. "If I don't kill her first for making me wear this thing in the first place. I _really_ have to stop going to public events. I _always _regret it." Royal ceremonies, funerals, _churches_… Definitely churches. "First thing tomorrow I'm downing a bottle of vodka. _American _vodka. Not that rocket fuel they use in Russia. Killer hangovers. You could've warned me about that." Inactivity didn't suit me, and neither did silence. It was instinct to fill the void of silence.

It was a mistake. Those eyes stared me down, appraising me with an intensity I wasn't ready for. _I love you, Roza. _I glanced down at the ground, unable to meet them with the same force. I refused to consider his words; to understand them or begin to think about what they could mean. I couldn't. Because if I did now, I'd fall apart. I couldn't fall apart now. It seemed almost comical, seeing as I would've killed to hear those words; I would've killed to save a life. The life of our love, the life of something amazing; magnificent. Untouchable; unbreakable.

I wanted to believe them. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than that. I wanted to take him in my arms and return them. _I will always love you. _I had never said truer words. I loved him, oh _god, _I loved him. I loved him so much it hurt. I might find someone new, I might grow and change. Maybe I'd even laugh about it someday.

Today was not that day.

_Love fades. Mine has. _Those were still the words I heard before falling asleep at night, the words that invaded my dreams and fashioned nightmares. Words that killed me on a daily basis.

I was tangled up inside, doing everything I could to keep from wearing my heart on my sleeve. Tomorrow was a mystery to me. But I'd have to face it. I couldn't delude myself any longer.

It might be wonderful. It might be magical. It might be everything I've waited for; a miracle. But it would never be the way I loved Dimitri; it would never be that overwhelming feeling of _rightness. _Nothing would be as powerful_, _as _beautiful. _

_Nothing_ would ever be like that.

All I could rely on was all that I could fake. Every smile, every step, every action that said I_ was_ okay, that I could make it through this, that I wasn't going completely insane. Insane with love. Insane with hope. Insane with confusion. Insane with all of it.

For now I had to keep myself together; to get through the hours to come. If things went as planned, we'd have another restored Strigoi.

But nothing went as planned. Nothing. I'd learned that.

We'd have to talk about this. I'd have to acknowledge his words, even if they had the power of ripping my heart out all over again. It wouldn't be easy. None of it would be easy. But I couldn't run forever. When all this was over, I'd have some obstacles to face. Dimitri and I had to work this out; to be on the same terms. Lissa and I might have a truce going, but we still had some unresolved issues. I'd been a fool to think I could get out unscathed. We'd all been fools.

Scars. I was covered in them. Wounds of doubt; wounds of certainty; wounds of hope. Those same wounds formed a person—me. But I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I just didn't know.

I was Rosemarie Hathaway; damaged goods. I was a car that would never run right, no matter how hard my ruthless mechanics attempted to put me back together, together into the person I once been. I was vase, a vase that had shattered into pieces. I could be put back together, sure. But what would hurt more? Putting myself back together or remaining broken?

_Yes, _Olena had said when I'd asked her if it would get easier. _But you'll never be the same. _Was that my fate? To remain a ghost of a girl that I wanted to be most? A shell of a girl I used to know so well…

But that was life, wasn't it? We all changed, we all lost and gained. Maybe there was a way to be every part of me. Maybe I was still the same person.

Maybe there was a possibility that I was still me.

A smile crossed his lips, and my heart leapt. I hadn't seen him smile—a true smile, anyway—since his family had arrived. It was wonderful. It excited all parts of me; butterflies and rainbows and all that crap.

He gave an exasperated sigh. "Rose, Rose, Rose… Haven't you learned by now that drinking will not solve your problems?"

Again, my heart leapt. It was so much like our trainings…

"Don't get all judgey. I'm your equal now. _And _ I am of age." Truthfully, I had a few months to go.

"No you aren't." Damn it.

"Close enough."

After all the hell I'd been through, I definitely felt I was entitled to whatever the hell kind of substance I wanted. Or needed.

He just grinned.

"Don't kill her," Dimitri said softly, suddenly losing the grin. His face was serious again. "The dress is pretty, as are you." He started to blush. It was cute.

I started to comment on his medieval way of speaking but stopped myself. Attempting to raise one eyebrow, I asked, "Just pretty?"

"Beautiful." _Beautiful. So beautiful, it hurts me. _

Speaking was clearly beyond me. I just smiled and turned away, hiding my face from his forceful eyes.

We had just reached the clinic when I felt a spark through the bond. I had already unconsciously begun walking in her direction; the battle was over, everyone had been ordered to gather their necessities and meet in the cafeteria, where we'd be on lock down.

Lissa needed me.

"Where are you going?"

I kept walking. "I need to find Liss."

He knew she wasn't in danger; if that was the case I'd be running. And she wasn't in danger…or was she?

Dimitri caught hold of my arm. "What you need to do is be checked out."

"I will be. You go ahead. I'll be there in a few minutes."

After more prompting he finally—reluctantly-let me go.

I didn't think about what I did next. I wouldn't let myself—I knew that I'd talk myself out of it. I couldn't do this anymore—not alone. If she slammed the door in my face then fine. But I would try. I would try for her; I would try for us.

_I would try for me._

Her emotions came in loud and clear. I dropped my barrier.

Christian was safe, but she had no idea about me. No one could tell her where I was, if I was safe, if I was hurt, if I was alive. Everyone thought I had just disappeared from battle. That could mean that I was dead or had been taken away. It made sense, after all I had disappeared. Only a few people would've known where I'd gone.

She was terrified. She kept telling herself that I was fine—that if anyone could make it through this it was Dimitri and me. She wanted some _real _assurance—she wanted me in general. And I wanted her. I needed her. More than ever. I had always needed her.

I had to get my best friend back.

My walk turned into a run as the full extent of her emotions hit me. It was in moments like these when she lost it. She _was _losing it.

Lissa sat against the door, her knees pulled up to her chest, tears rolling down her cheeks, her breath coming in short little pants. Her thoughts buzzed like bees, repeatedly stinging her. They were jumbled, short little thoughts that rambled. I knew how she felt.

And there in her shaking hand she held a razor. Her voice caught as she stared at it in wonder. It could solve all of her problems. It would make everything easier. She tried to chase those thoughts by thinking of what I would do. She knew that I'd be there for her, breaking down the door if I had to. Or what Christian would do. He'd never let her be hurt. But she was…

And we weren't there.

She made the first cut. It was deep, deeper than I'd ever seen her do.

No, we weren't there now, but I would be. Suddenly moving at the speed of light wasn't fast enough. I pulled myself out of her head. It didn't matter that I'd fought in a battle tonight—one that probably rivaled any other in our time. My legs moved like they were shiny and new, though I could feel myself slowly fading. My earlier worries about crashing returned. I pushed them aside. _Thank you, Dimitri. _

I finally reached her. I knocked on her door softly, resisting the urge to run like hell. She didn't answer and I didn't need the bond to hear her cries. "Liss…" I said softly, sitting on the other side of the door as if I was sitting beside her.

"Go away," She says, but her heart isn't into it. Her heart knew it was me instantly, but her mind couldn't believe it. My best friend was so fragile...so breakable. We both were. If only we could return to the time where we'd been the only ones breaking hearts…

"Liss, please let me in…"

For a second, nothing happens. But then I hear her get up and unlock the door.

As soon as the door opened I threw my arms around her. My best friend squeezed back and after a few seconds I was sobbing with her. All the pain and frustration I kept inside came out. I'd always known that Dimitri needed contact with another person after his transformation—but what I _hadn't _realized was that so did I. Nothing could compare to just being around Lissa—being around someone who cared about you, the feelings requited.

"I'm so, so, sorry." My words were mumbled and almost inaudible, but I knew that she understood, the way that she always understood me. "I'm so sorry for leaving you…especially after I promised that I wouldn't.. But Liss, I had to. I just couldn't…" She squeezed me tighter and I felt some of the agony in my heart fade away. I would be okay. I _had _to be.

I'd had a plan. I'd wanted to change who I was. Create a life without the past, without the pain. But it's not that easy. The bad things stay with you. They follow you. You can't escape them. As much as you want to. All you can do is be ready for the good. So when it comes, you have invite it in, because you need it. I need it. Lissa needed it. Dimitri needed it. We all did.

"I need you, Liss…" Those were the words I'd wanted to say all along, ever since I'd left.

I could not lose my best friend again. Maybe I'd go back, but I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't pretend that I didn't have a life, that Rosemarie Hathaway did not exist. I kept trying to turn myself into Rose Hathaway, but I _was_ her already. I had to accept that, I had to accept that I had changed. I had more growing to do, more healing. But I didn't have to do it alone. I couldn't. If I ever wanted to be okay, _really _okay, I had to stop trying to block out the two pieces of my life that made me who I was. Lissa was one of them. As for the other… The jury was still out on that.

"I'm the one who's sorry...All those things I did... Everything I said. Everything I-" There was a lot of apologizing going on, but that was what you did with the people you loved, I realized. You forgave them and moved on. I returned her squeeze and pulled away, looking her in the eye. It took a few seconds, but I calmed my breathing enough to be able to speak clearly.

"Listen to me. It doesn't matter anymore—none of it does. We're together now." I took a deep breath, almost afraid to say anything more. "If…If you'll still have me…"

A soft smile lit her features, illuminating them. "I wouldn't have it any other way. But seriously…I'm so sorry."

I hugged her again. "I am to." And suddenly, everything was okay.

A few minutes of comfortable silence passed when reality set in. I set off to retrieve some bandages after ordering her to lie down. I felt sorry whoever the dorm matron was.

"Oh my god! What are you even doing here? You should be seeing a doctor.. Are you okay?" Her rambling made me smile; it reminded me of Jill. I ignored her and bandaged her arms, running my thumb over her old scars gently.

I took her hand. "I'm fine." I would kill to be in that bed with her at this point, but that was irrelevant. Sleeping wasn't really an option right now.

"No you aren't!" She sat up suddenly, grasping my arms. It took me a second to realize what she was doing, and as soon as I did I pulled away. She needed her strength for what was going to happen next. And as long as we were on that subject…

My smile dropped, and I let the darkness and weakness flow into me once more. A wave of dizziness overwhelmed me for a second and I shook it off, trying to ready myself for what was to come. "I'm okay. Really. But Liss… I need you to do something for me."

A look of confusion crossed her features, and then one of dread. Even after two years apart, she still knew me. Everything I did was extreme.

But even knowing this, knowing me, she answered, her words a promise, a vow. There was no hesitation.

_Anything_.

Lissa had been worried about me, but if we did this, if a second miracle truly was possible, I wasn't the one she needed to be worried about.

**(A/N I LOVE YOU GUYS.**

**Thank you for EVERYING! I'm so sorry that it always takes me so long to update…I ****_am_**** trying! PLEASE keep reviewing! I'm also sorry for my lack of replies to my reviewers…**

**Please, as always, excuse any mistakes. I'm no author!**

**Chelsea Castile: I love hearing from you! LOL! You're amazing XD Thank you so much.**

**HazZel and CriMson: thank you! Me to ;)**

**Kyoko minion: I always love hearing from you (: I'll try and read it!**

**Dimka's chick: Me either! Those are my favorite things to write!**

**xMegxGiryx: Izy, I LOVE YOU! I DID text you…TEXT ME BACK! Honestly, I ask myself that question every day. LOL! I'm trying to go to Shadow with you…**

**Thank you to everyone else who has commented on previous chapters.. You guys are the only thing that keeps me going (: So please,**

**R&R!)**


	29. Chapter 27

**Dimitri Belikov's Point of View**

"Oh, Dimka!"

My mother hugged me tightly, worry all over her face. I returned her embrace, my gaze analyzing what was left before us.

The rest of my family hadn't been among those who now mourned there losses. My sisters had been sent to guard the second floor of the dhampir dorm, but word had been sent that both of them were fine and were working with other guardians to secure the premises. Like me, they had escaped with very minor injuries. My mother and grandmother had still been in guest housing which was—surprisingly—not one of the dormitories that had been breached. I'd taken it on myself to check on Rose's family and friends and had been happy to find that they too were alive and well. Unsurprisingly, both her mother and Eddie had been named heroes.

They weren't the only ones who were mentioned. Many spoke highly of Rose and I, even more so than they did prestigious Guardian Hathaway and young Guardian Castile. Our pasts made us all the more interesting to the guardians _and _the royals. But for now, most grieved and regrouped; sadly, I knew that the gossip would prevail in time.

"Is Roza okay?" Ma asked me, and I asked myself the very same question, fear coursing throughout my veins. I had to go after her. She should've been back by now…

I nodded and broke apart from my mother and Babushka, instructing them to get to the cafeteria where St. Vladimir's students, staff, and guests would be on lockdown.

Rose hadn't made it back to the clinic like she'd promised. I mentally went through a list of locations, speculating. Where would she be? _I need to find Liss. _Where was Vasilisa?

Her room. That was the most logical place for her to be, save for being where she was supposed to be-the cafeteria-if these were normal circumstances. These were _not _normal circumstances.

I put my duster on and went on my way, pushing through the crowd of people who frantically searched for _their _loved ones. We were all fighting-in our own ways, yes-but fighting nevertheless.

An excerpt I'd once read from one of my westerns came to mind as I saw people fight each other, fight _for _each other, and fight_ with_ each other.

_Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us that we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war hoping for their safe return but knowing that some would be lost along the way? When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows…Swallowed whole by the darkness…_**(****CREDIT GOES TO: One three hill (I believe). Found this on YouTube while watching some videos and loved it.)**

Why were we forced to face the cruel circumstances that ruined our lives? Why did we ruin each other's lives? I still shoved others aside in my wake, even though those words ran through my mind. I was no different. None of us were. We were all boxed in by other's opinions and beliefs as well as our own. We were all boxed in by our emotions, by inescapable collateral damage and the inability to be who we wanted to be, the inability to know _what _we wanted period.

We were so foolish that we fought each other instead of banding together to fight the common enemy; the royals were so selfish that they sent _children _out to the fronts to protect them. Our world could fall apart so easily. And it had. And _we _had caused it. It owed us nothing.

I found them just outside of the dorm. Rose and Vasilisa walked together, hand in hand, looking stronger than ever. I knew that nothing would ever keep them apart again. Roza's eyes searched the grounds before her, finding me within half a second.

With a closer inspection, I could see that they both had been crying. Even so, Rose's eyes no longer looked so lifeless.

For just a second, Rose's mask was gone. Hope filled her features for the first time in weeks. It didn't make sense, not with the current circumstances, but there it was. That little glimpse of hope, that little glimpse of happiness lit up my world like the sun. She had been withdrawn and distant for so long. For _too _long.

I knew who was responsible for this change. Rose had gotten her best friend back; life without her had been killing her. She'd pretended to become a piece of stone, and _that _had been killing her, too.

Lissa's words rang in my mind. _She…she knows. I know she does. I can't feel her, but I know she feels me. All of it. It doesn't matter._

Everything Lissa had ever felt, every conversation she'd ever had…Rose had been forced to experience it. She could block Lissa out, sure, but there was no way of escaping Lissa's emotions completely. Her anger, her pain…all of that was Rose's. Her darkness.

Her darkness.

I remembered the cabin, where the darkness had seized Roza well. She'd been dead-set on injuring, _killing _Prince Zelkos, a Moroi who had tortured Lissa. She hadn't been able to control herself.

I wondered if she still absorbed it.

_Of course she does, _I thought.

She'd absorbed the darkness that had been a result of my transformation, and the darkness from all of the lengths they must have surpassed to get there. She'd absorbed it when Lissa had fainted from all of the spirit power she'd been using here. Rose had endangered herself again by letting the ghosts roam free.

We'd speculated, wondering why Lissa wasn't feeling any of spirit's side effects, assured that Rose couldn't be absorbing all of them. After all, Vladimir and Anna appeared to have split the effects.

But what if she _was _absorbing all of them? She seemed fine. She wasn't insane and hadn't tried to hurt herself...someone would notice. She acted normal.

_Yes you will. You did before. You left me. You said you never would, that you'd always be there for me. Well, you weren't. You weren't there for me, Dimitri!_

I pushed through my mental battle and turned to them.

"You're going to be checked out. Now." I took Rose's arm and pulled her along with me, surprised when she didn't resist. She'd changed out of her tattered dress and now wore workout clothes. Further speculation led me to see stains on them—blood. I was pretty sure that her injuries weren't fatal but she needed to see a doctor, nevertheless.

"How many have we lost?" She asked, voice grave as we walked.

I wanted to tell her what I knew she wanted to hear, but I couldn't. I wasn't one to lie and she knew it. "It isn't good," I admitted sadly. "Even with all of the precautions we took, we still weren't prepared for an attack of this size. Both academic dorms were breached as was the dining hall. We're looking at a hefty loss in protection."

Her mask was back in place, but I could see that my words had had an effect on her. Even if no one she cared had been lost….well, there were a lot of things to mourn.

Something flickered in Rose's eyes—anger, I realized. "Dhampirs." She said, looking me in the eye. It wasn't a question, but she still looked to me for confirmation. I nodded. "It isn't just that we were outnumbered," she continued, glancing at Lissa whose face was stained with tears, and then back at me. "It's because of the age law. Most of the guardians sent out here were brand new." Her tone was bitter. "We were sent into an impossible battle."

She didn't care that her life had been risked; she would've went out there and fought no matter how poor the odds were.

Rose would _not _be left out of a fight.

"You're right," I agreed. And she was.

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

Fighting always comes with dirt, whether I am sparring with other dhampirs or killing Strigoi. You get dust and mud all over yourself when you are rolling on the ground with your opponent. When you are fighting Strigoi, blood usually accompanies dust and mud—both the Strigoi's blood and yours.

Most of these kinds of dirt can be washed away easily with water and soap. But there is some of it you can never get rid of. This dirt is tricky, because you can't see it, but you _can_ feel it. Feel it, when you lose someone you care about, or even a colleague in a fight, and you know you could have saved them, if you had reacted faster, moved faster.

This is the kind of dirt you can never wash away.

Right now, I felt like I was covered in it. I'd been granted the luxury of a pair of seats and a thermal shirt, but I hadn't had time for a shower—not that it mattered. This grime wasn't a result of mud or earth—it was guilt; it was sadness. I hadn't lost anyone close to me in this battle, but even so, there was so much to mourn. So, so, much.

Getting checked out was easy. Once I'd been cleared of a concussion, we'd been sent on our merry way. If I had any broken or fractured bones we'd find out about them later—Dr. Olenzki had patients faring much worse than I was. Lissa wanted to heal me—to heal both of us. We both declined. We knew that she'd need her strength for what was to come. _And I needed mine as well_, I thought silently. I'd take physical injury over the darkness any day.

_Nothing goes as planned. _

That was—unfortunately—so true.

Half way to where Sonya was being kept we were ambushed.

Two Strigoi leapt into our path—and we leapt into action. I kicked myself into battle mode once more. I fought to stay completely alert—if I let my guard down once, I could die. Lissa could die. Dimitri could die. Growing sluggish was _not _an option.

Stan stood in the middle of the courtyard, fighting off multiple Strigoi. He looked dead on his feet; his right eye was swollen shut—limiting his vision. His arm was in a sling, bound to his chest. It was a miracle that he was still standing. He was an amazing guardian—even _I_ had to admit.

"Help him," Dimitri yelled and I stared. I didn't want to leave him or Lissa. I couldn't lose them. Not again. _Trust him,_ A voice said in my mind, a voice I suspected was my own. _Trust him to take care of himself. _

I didn't waste another second. Without considering anything else, I stood in a defensive position in front of him. Stan sent his classic pissed off look my way but didn't say anything. I nodded my acknowledgement. We weren't sparring anymore. This was life and death.

Something I'd learned was that when we fought together—us dhampirs, us guardians—was that we became bound, not like Lissa and I, but bound in an entirely different way. We became sisters, brothers. I would die for any one at this school—the school I'd been chosen to protect. It didn't matter that a part of me hated Stan for humiliating me. He was my brother in this. He was my comrade. This was honor. We were bound by a code of loyalty.

The Strigoi paused their assault to weigh their options. That wouldn't last long, I knew. And it didn't. A fist flew and caught me in the shoulder, knocking me off balance. I heard a crack, and pain shot up my arm. That opened him up for attack and I sent my stake through his heart, grimacing at the pain. It was that simple.

Dimitri joined us and between the two of us we dispatched the Strigoi—several blows later. It was all a blur. My body reacted instantly—I didn't need to think.

"Thanks," Stan gasped out, taking hold of my extended hand and pulling himself up, only to fall down again. I held him up, letting him lean on me.

Ouch. "Damn it. Got blood all over my new clothes," I said with a bitter laugh, my eyes finding Lissa with a sigh of relief. "You okay?"

Her eyes were wide and afraid—understandably, she was terrified. Moroi dealt with Strigoi…but they never really _dealt _with them, really. "Yeah," she murmured after a second.

I turned to Dimitri, appraising him. He was tattered and gory, yes, but alive. We were all alive. That was what mattered. "Are you?" I could see relief in his eyes—something I felt as well.

I nodded, casting a glance at Stan and then back at Dimitri and Lissa. "We gotta get him to the clinic."

Dimitri joined us and held up Stan's other side. It took a while at our slow pace, but we were able to gain some speed—Dimitri's help took some of the strain off of my shoulder and Stan could move, just not very well. Once checking the perimeter we were on our way. These had been stragglers. The battle was over now.

At least this part was.

Dimitri and I held Sonya in such a way that her chest was exposed. Christian stood by Lissa's side, prepared to burn Sonya to bits if she so much made a move.

"I'm going to kill you all," Sonya snarled. "And consume you one by one. Normally, I'd start with the dhampirs and work up to the Moroi, but…" She glanced Dimitri and me, her face full of rage. "I think I'll save you two for last and drag out your suffering." She paused and almost comically added, "You've annoyed me the most."

Mikhail just stood there, all color withdrawn from his face.

"Do all Strigoi go through some boot camp and learn all the same threats? It's a wonder you don't cackle too." Christian said, masking his anxiety. He wasn't on board with this—I knew he was as scared as I was. He caught me looking and gave me a small, pained smile.

Lissa stood strong. I knew she was scared to, but it didn't matter. Her blonde tresses fell elegantly around her face as she stared at Sonya. A stake was in her hands. We'd made a warrior out of her yet. She was a Queen. She was beautiful.

She moved forward, her hands in the staking position.

The stake went in, piercing her.

Well, kind of.

Just like when she'd staked Dimitri, she didn't quite have the strength to get the stake where it needed to go. Sonya shrieked and tried to get free, but we wouldn't let her. I felt Lissa steel herself, felt her summon up every ounce of strength she had. Throwing her full weight into it, she shoved again, using both hands. The stake went in further. Still not enough. This delay would've cost her her life in a normal situation. This was not a normal situation.

_I came to my senses then, knowing I needed to stop this. Lissa was going to burn herself up if she kept trying to stake him. She lacked the skill. Either I needed to stake him or we needed to let the fire finish him off. I moved forward._

Lissa tried again.

_One more time, fighting through the fire's searing pain, she threw everything she had into shoving the stake all the way into Dimitri's heart. Her strike was still awkward, still requiring a little more wiggling and pushing than the clean hit a trained guardian would make. Clumsy or not, the stake finally made it. It pierced his heart._

It pierced her heart.

And as it did, I felt the magic flood through our bond, the familiar magic I'd felt so many times when she performed a healing.

Except…this was a hundred times more powerful that anything I'd ever felt before. It froze me up as neatly as her compulsion had. I felt as though all of my nerves were exploding, like I'd just been struck by lightning.

Sonya let out an intense scream. A brilliant, blinding white light suddenly filled the room, just as an unseen force blasted me away. I hit a wall, my brain barely registering the pain. The small room shook, and with one hand, I tried to grab something and brace myself. I squeezed my eyes shut but could still see starburst. Time slowed. My heartbeat slowed.

It was like someone had dropped the sun into the middle of that room. I cried out, my other hand rising instinctively to shield my eyes. From the sounds in the room, everyone else was having a similar reaction.

For a moment, it as if there was no bond anymore. I felt nothing from Lissa—no magic. The bond was as colorless and empty as the white light filling the room. The power she'd used had over-flooded and overwhelmed the bond, as it had the last time she'd transformed someone into their original form.

Then—it all stopped. Everything. The light. The tremors. I breathed normally. All was quiet and still, as if I'd imagined what had just happened. No fade out. Just…gone in an eye blink. Like a switch had been flipped. There was silence in the room. That light must have been toxic to sensitive Strigoi eyes. It was hard enough for me. Starbursts danced in my sight. I couldn't focus on anything as the afterimage of that brilliance burned across my vision.

_At last—with a little squinting—I could vaguely see again. The fire was gone, though black smudges on the wall and ceiling marked its presences, as did some of the lingering smoke. By my estimation, there should have been a lot more damage. I could spare no time for that miracle, though, because there was another one taking_ _place in front of me._

_Not just a miracle. A fairy tale. _

I blinked, trying to bring my eyes back into focus and assess the situation. I did my best to scramble clumsily to my feet and saw Dimitri doing the same. He looked like he'd also been knocked over but had caught the wall for support, rather than smashing into it.

Lissa was lying flat out on the floor, and Christian and I rushed over to help her. Dimitri just stood there, frozen.

And Sonya?

"Unbelievable," Dimitri whispered.

Sonya was still in the armchair we'd placed her in, and from the way she was sitting back, it was obvious that she'd been blasted by the same force that had hit the rest of us. The chains were still around her, but she'd stopped struggling. On her lap was the stake that Lissa had held only moments ago. Sonya managed to wiggle a hand out of the chain, just enough for her fingers to brush against the stake's surface. Her eyes widened with wonder—eyes that were a rich, azure blue.

Lissa had brought Sonya Karp back to life. She was no longer Strigoi.

I kept looking for anything—_anything—_that might give the slightest hint of her previous existence.

There was none. Her skin bore the typical Moroi paleness, but it was still filled with the warmth of life, with the faintest twinge of color—not like the Strigoi, who were completely devoid of pigment. Her eyes were bloodshot, but that was from her rapidly forming tears. There was no red ring around her irises. And the look in those eyes…there was no cruelty or malice. They were not the eyes of someone who had just threatened to kill us all. Her eyes were all shock and fear and confusion. I couldn't tear my gaze from her.

A miracle. Another miracle. Even after seeing Lissa restore Dimitri, some secret part of me had believed I would never witness anything like it again. That was how miracles worked. Once in a lifetime. There'd been a lot of talk about using spirit to save Strigoi everywhere, talk that had faded when other drama took its place.

A miracle. Sonya Karp was a living, breathing miracle.

And suddenly, she began screaming.

It started off as a low wail and rapidly grew in volume. The noise snapped me to attention, but I didn't know exactly how to respond. Mikhail did. His stake fell from his hand and he rushed to Sonya's side, where he began trying to free her from the chains. She floundered at his touch, but her efforts were no longer packed the supernatural strength of an undead monster seeking revenge. These were the motions of someone desperately, terribly afraid.

I'd wrapped those chains pretty securely, but Mikhail had them off in seconds. Once Sonya was free, he sat in the chair and pulled her to him, letting her bury her face against his chest and sob. I swallowed. Dimitri had also wept when he had been changed back. An odd image of newborn babies flashed through my mind. Was crying the natural reaction for anyone being born—or, in this case, reborn—into the world?

"Mikhail-I'm sorry—I'm so sorry-" she said, weeping copiously. His arms tightened around her as he kissed her forehead.

Tears fell from his eyes, too. "It doesn't matter." He pulled back only to look into her eyes. "It doesn't matter. Nothing matters except that we're together again. I love you. I love you so much," His voice broke.

"I love you, Mikhail.. Please forgive me…"

"_Always." _He kissed her, and it seemed like another light had filled the room.

I felt my heart break again as I locked eyes with Dimitri's.

It was always them…and never us.

**Dimitri Belikov's Point of View**

I couldn't believe what had happened. It was impossible.

Yet, it was entirely possible.

A soft sound brought me back to reality. It came from Rose. It was a whisper, a quiet sniffle, yet it was the most significant sound in my world. Tears glittered in her eyes, and I knew she was trying to hold herself together, trying to stop them from falling. Trying to stop herself from falling apart.

"_Always."_

This made Sonya cry harder. She buried her face against his chest, and his arms tightened more fiercely around her. The rest of us stood frozen. It felt wrong witnessing this. It was too private; we shouldn't have been there. Yet…at the same time, I kept thinking that this was how my reunion with Rose should've been when Lissa had restored me. Love. Forgiveness. Acceptance.

Rose and I briefly locked eyes, and an uncanny sense told me that she was feeling the exact same way I was. Why could we have that? Why was it always them and never us? _I will always love you. _Was it possible that she could still love me? No. It was impossible. Yet…if a miracle like this was possible… couldn't that be, too? I knew so many times about her…so many things no one else knew. Why couldn't I know what _really _mattered?

She glanced away from me, looking back at the happy couple so I wouldn't see her tear up. God, I wanted what Mikhail and Sonya had. A happy ending. Forgiveness of the past. A bright future ahead.

"Liss…Lissa!" Christian yelled, shaking Vasilisa gently. That sound brought us all back to reality. Mikhail lifted Sonya up and left the room.

I left them, my heart breaking all over again.

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

"She's going to be okay," I said softly, taking her hands. "I can help her."

I'd finally put the pieces together. I could take away more than the darkness.

I let down my barriers and visited my best friend's head. I opened myself up to her, letting her in. Letting in her weakness, letting in her pain, letting in her darkness.

I took it away from her, as I'd vowed to do.

She began to gain color, and I began to feel myself pale. It was staggering. I felt myself grow weak. Even so, I felt magic flow throughout me as I healed her. It was beautiful.

Lissa came to then, sitting up weakly.

I was fading. With each heart beat I felt myself growing weaker, as if my life was disappearing from me.

Dimitri's face was the last thing I saw. I didn't know if he was actually there or if I was imagining it, but either way, it was a comfort.

My heart beat slowed and the world faded to black—_my _world faded to black.

_They come first._


	30. Chapter 28

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

Trypanophobia.

I've come to learn over the last few years that I have an almost paralyzing fear of needles. Lev, who's very strangely obsessed with phobias, diagnosed me, so I don't have any proof, but I'm pretty positive that I am a trypanophobic. Because as these disgusting things pierced my skin I was having horror movie flashbacks—and, well, just normal ones. Hepatitis…

Of course, Tamara, in a very smart assy kind of tone said that needles weren't a danger to me, seeing as I am one of the dhampir race. Save for injuries from battle, we are usually pretty healthy. But honestly, I really don't care.

So that's why, very sneakily, I started jerking these appalling things from me, not really caring what they were for.

I don't like doctors. But being a dhampir, as Tamara pointed out, and a Strigoi killer, I have to deal with them routinely.

My body ached all over, but I didn't feel like I was going to die anymore, which I had to say was an improvement. I was covered in bruises and scratches and honestly didn't have a clue where most of them had come from. I felt worn out—weak. I felt like my mind was cloudy—like I was trapped in a bubble. I knew enough to know that most of this was occurring in exactly that—my mind.

I was fairly sure I could sleep for a week—not that I would ever be granted that privilege. Of course, I'd trade a year of no sleep for never having to see a needle again.

Because I wanted to be prepared for what was to come, I went to Lissa's mind—my safe haven. Thanks to my "healing" Lissa, her mind was crystal clear and she didn't feel like she'd been run over by a truck anymore—for which I was grateful. I felt enough like that for the both of us. Worry and guilt plagued her—for which I was _not _grateful. Again, I experienced enough of that on a daily basis for her and everyone else.

Christian held her hand tightly, and she leaned into him. While Lissa appeared to be fine, he couldn't help but worry that she'd collapse at any given moment. I understood.

Denis and my team was there—all looking very uncomfortable. They all were battered and bloody—but who wasn't? I was grateful at this point that they were alive. I could swear that Denis was _shaking_. Further inspection let me in on why. Lissa had given them a rundown of what had happened—with Dimitri being the translator, much to Denis's irritation

Dimitri. Dimitri looked completely and utterly destroyed. His gorgeous face was blank—to everyone except me and Lissa. I knew him that well. Lissa had auras.

The look in his eyes…it was a look of hopelessness, a look of inexplicable pain. I couldn't understand it—why was it there? How could it be there? How _dare _it be there? It wasn't fair. That kind of darkness couldn't touch him. Not him. Not Dimitri. I couldn't let it.

That look…it wasn't the look of someone mourning a friend or a colleague. It was the look of someone losing their entire world. Being shoved off their path—the only one they knew. It wasn't a look that I'd ever expected to be the cause of.

I'd accepted a long time ago that there was no way that he'd ever love me again—or love me at all. I'd accepted that, as much as it had hurt.

But that look…it wasn't the look of someone who didn't…who didn't _feel. _

**Dimitri Belikov's Point of View**

I couldn't stand it any longer. I had to know. I had to know what had happened to Rose. To Roza. _My _Roza.

I'd been pacing for the last twenty minutes while waiting to hear something. Anything.

When I'd carried her in, we hadn't been able to find a pulse. Lissa had tried to explain—it was like Rose had healed her. But that was impossible. Rose couldn't heal—she was a dhampir, _not _a moroi.

But really, that was the only thing that made sense. The only explanation was that Rose healing Lissa had exhausted her.

And none of this made sense.

I can't explain how I felt when I'd looked down into her face, a face that was pale and lifeless. I'd never felt so helpless, so afraid... I'd never felt so much pain. I'd once told her that I'd rather die than see her dead. I meant it.

_"Hey, Comrade," Rose murmured, her voice sounding sleepy. "You were right about Strigoi." Her eyelids drooped._

_"Rose. Roza. Open your eyes," I said, voice strained; frantic. "Don't go to sleep on me. Not yet."_

_She squinted up on me as I carried her out of the building, practically running toward the clinic. "Was he right?"_

_"Who?"_

_"Victor…he said it couldn't have worked. The necklace."_

_She started to drift off, lost in the blackness of her mind, but I prompted her back to consciousness._

_"What do you mean?"_

_"The spell. Victor said you had to want me…to care about me…for it to work." When I didn't say anything, she tried to grip my shirt, but her fingers were too weak. "Did you? Did you want me?"_

_My words came out thickly. Of course I wanted her. "Yes, Roza. I did want you. I still do. I wish…we could be together."_

_"Then why did you lie to me?"_

_We reached the clinic, and I managed to open the door while still holding her. As soon as I stepped inside, I began yelling for help._

_"Why did you lie?" She murmured again. _

_Still holding her in my arms, I looked down at her. They were getting closer._

_"Because we can't be together."_

_"Because of the age thing, right?" She asked. "Because you're my mentor?"_

_I gently wiped away a tear that had escaped down her cheek. "That's part of it," I said. "But also…well, you and I will both be Lissa's guardians someday. I need to protect her at all costs. If a pack of Strigoi come, I need to throw my body between them and her."_

_"I know that. Of course that's what you have to do." She was fading out._

_"No. If I let myself love you, I won't throw myself in front of her. I'll throw myself in front of you." Who was I kidding? I already loved her. I'd already fallen too far. _

_The medical team arrived and took her out of my arms._

"There has to be something you can tell us. You have to know something by now," I said, almost shouting. I grabbed the nurse, gripping her forearms tightly.

She blinked, looking up to meet my eyes. "Rosemarie Hathaway? Is that the patient you're talking about?"

"Yes."

She laughed, eyes gentle. "Honey, your girlfriend's fine. She yanked all of her needles out though, so you can rightfully presume that she isn't a happy camper."

Lissa stood up, pulling Christian with her. "What do you mean she's fine? Her heart stopped! She didn't have a pulse! How is she _fine?_"

I let go of the nurse. "She isn't his girlfriend," I heard someone—Denis—murmur from behind us.

"I think you must have misunderstood… I can tell you that she's definitely alive back there…She slapped a nurse for trying to reapply one of the IV's she pulled out."

"Is this some kind of joke?" Christian asked, his voice hard.

"Look…There isn't any evidence of any fatal injuries." That was one thing that would make sense. Lissa had healed any serious injuries—not that it had resulted in anything. "I don't know what you've all been told, but Miss Hathaway is going to be fine. She isn't in any danger, unless it's from herself," She continued, chuckling.

As if on cue, a series of noises came from the back, as well as an agitated shout. "Let. Me. Out of here!"

Rose suddenly burst through the doors, a guardian on each arm. She looked bound and determined to fight them off. "I don't want to hurt you guys, but if you don't let me go I'm going to. I want out of this damn hospital." She resumed trying to get free.

Dr. Olenzki squeezed through the doors, eyeing Rose. Finally, she sighed in defeat. "Let her go. I give up. "

The guardians released her as we all stared in amazement. Rose huffed. "Don't _ever _try and stick me with one of those damned things again."

Lev was the first one to make a sound. He burst into laughter. "I was kidding about you being a trypanophobic. But wow… you really are one."

"Told you so."

The doctor, who really didn't care about their antics, continued. "Keep an eye on her, and make sure she gets some rest, but she should be fine. The only thing she's in danger from is exhaustion." She went back through the doors, muttering something about unwilling patients.

We all just sort of stared, unable to believe our eyes.

"Someone say something," Roza said, laughing. "Good god.. I'm _fine._"

Lissa shoved through us and grabbed Rose, hugging her hard. Tears were flowing down her cheeks. "Don't you _ever _do that to me again," she said, trying to sound firm and failing.

Rose squeezed her tightly and then pulled back, pushing Lissa's hair gently away from her face and wiping her tears. "Notin the plans, Liss." She exhaled and then repeated in a softer voice, "_Not _in the plans."

Her eyes met mine. Tears sparkled in them…and something else did to. But what? _What_? What was hidden from me?


	31. Chapter 29

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

_"How do you think she got to that point?" I demanded. "How do you think she learned how to save you? Do you have any idea what we—what _I_ had to go through to that information? You think me going to Siberia was crazy? Believe me; you haven't even come close to seeing crazy. You know me. You know what I'm capable of. And I broke my own records this time. You. Owe. Me."_

_It was harsh, but I needed to get a reaction from him. Some kind of emotion. And I got it. He jerked around, eyes glinting and power crackling through his body. As always, his movements were fierce and graceful. Likewise, his voice was a mix of emotions: anger, frustration, and concern._

_"Then the best thing I can do is-"_

_He froze. The brown eyes that had been narrowed with aggravation suddenly went wide with…what? Amazement? Awe? Or perhaps the stunned feeling I kept having when I saw him? _

_Because suddenly, I was pretty sure he was experiencing the same thing I had earlier. He'd seen me plenty of times in Siberia. He'd seen me just the other night at the warehouse. But now…now he was truly viewing me with his own eyes._

_It was like one of those moments when people talked about their lives flashing before their eyes. Because as we stared at one another, every part of our relationship replayed in my mind's eye. I remembered how strong and invincible he'd been when we first met, when he'd come to bring Lissa and me back to the folds of Moroi society. I remembered the gentleness of his hands when he'd bandaged my bloodied and battered hands. I remembered him carrying me in his arms after Victor's daughter Natalie had attacked me. Most of all, I remembered the night we'd been together in the cabin, just before the Strigoi had taken him. A year. We'd known each other only a year, but we'd lived a lifetime in it._

But then the dream dissolved into something else.

Something worse.

_I was still studying it when I heard someone walk into the room. When I saw who it was, my heart stopped. I set the photo back on the shelf with shaking hands and took a few steps back. _

_It was Dimitri._

_He wore jeans and a casual red T-shirt that fit the lean muscles of his body perfectly. His hair was down loose and slightly damp, like he'd just gotten out of the shower. He held two mugs and chucked when he saw me._

_"Still not dressed?" He asked, shaking his head. "They're going to be here any minute."_

_I looked down and saw that I wore plaid flannel pajama bottoms and a tank op. He handed me the mug, and I was too stunned to do anything but take it. I peered into it—hot chocolate—and then looked up at him. There was no red in his eyes, no evil on his face. Only gorgeous warmth and affection. He was my Dimitri, the one who'd loved and protected me. The one with a pure heart and soul…_

_"Who…who's coming?" I asked._

_"Lissa and Christian. They're coming for brunch." He gave me a puzzled look. "Are you okay?" _

_I turned back to him and shook my head. "What is this? Where are we?"_

_His confused expression now turned into a frown. Stepping forward, he took my mug and set his and mine on the shelf. His hands rested on my hips, and I flinched but didn't break away—how could I when he looked so much like my Dimitri?_

_"This is our house," he said, drawing me near. "In Pennsylvania."_

_"Pennsylvania…are we at the Royal Court?"_

_He shrugged. "A few miles away."_

_I slowly shook my head. "No…that's not possible. We can't have a home together. And definitely not so close to the others. They'd never let us." If in some crazy world Dimitri and I lived together, we'd have to do it in secret—somewhere remote, like Siberia._

_"You insisted," he said with a small smile. "And none of them care. They accept it. Besides, you said we had to live near Lissa."_

_My mind reeled. What was going on? How was this possible? How could I be living with Dimitri—especially so near Moroi? This wasn't right…and yet, it felt right._

_"You're a Strigoi," I said at last. "No…you're dead. I killed you."_

_He ran a finger along my cheek, still giving me that rueful smile. "Do I look like I'm dead? Do I look Strigoi?"_

_No. He looked wonderful and sexy and strong. He was all the things I remembered, all the things I loved. "But you were…What happened?"_

_His hand returned to my hip, and he pulled me into a tight embrace. "You saved me," He murmured into my ear. "Your love saved me, Roza. You brought me back so that we could be together."_

_And when he leaned down and kissed me, I knew for sure that he wasn't a Strigoi. This kiss was alive. It burned within my soul, and as my lips pressed more eagerly into his, I felt that connection, the one that told me there was no one else in the world for me except him. _

_I broke the kiss but not the embrace. My head rested against his chest. "I really saved you?"_

_"Your love was too strong. _Our _love was too strong. Not even the undead could keep us apart."_

I woke up.

"Rose…Roza," Dimitri shook me gently. "What's wrong?"

Tears were rolling down my cheek. "Did you have a nightmare?" He asked gently, caressing my tears away with his thumb.

"No," I said softly, trying to catch my breath. "It was a good dream."

"Then why are you crying?" His voice was so kind…so warm.

I told the truth. "Because I didn't want it to end."

I turned over, away from him.

We'd finally made it to the cafeteria, where we all slept in groups, huddled up in sleeping bags. It was dark—they'd taped black construction paper over the windows-but not quiet. I wasn't the only one who cried. Others openly talked and comforted each other. It was a miracle that I'd gotten to sleep in the first place.

He didn't say anything else, and after a while I assumed that he'd fallen back asleep. That was when I made my escape.

I wasn't entirely sure where I was going until I ended up at the chapel. Dimitri had once said that it brought him peace. Maybe it would me to.

_"No," I said in a small voice, unable to meet his eyes. "I was afraid of what they'd think." He squeezed my hand._

_"You have to stop this. You aren't afraid of throwing yourself in the path of danger, but you're terrified of letting anyone in."_

_"I…I don't know," I said, looking up at him. "I guess."_

_"Then why'd you tell me?"_

_I smiled. "Because you told me I should trust people. I trust you."_

_"You don't trust Lissa?"_

_My smile faltered. "I trust her, absolutely. But I don't want to tell her things that'll make her worry. I guess it's a way of protecting her, just like keeping the Strigoi away."_

_"She's stronger than you think," he said. "And she would go out of her way to help you."_

_"So what? You want me to confide in her and not you?"_

_"No, I want you to confide in both of us. I think it'd be good for you. Does what happened to Anna bother you?"_

_"No." I looked away again. "It scares me."_

_I think the admission stunned both of us. I certainly hadn't expected to say it. We both froze for a moment, and then Dimitri wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest. A sob built up in me as I rested my cheek against the leather of his coat and heard the steady beating of his heart._

_"There's so much I want to do, but I'm so scared…scared that I'll be like her… I'm afraid I won't be able to stop it…"_

_He held me tighter. "It's not going to happen," he murmured. "You're wild and impulsive, but at the end of the day, you're one of the strongest people I know. Even if you are the same as Anna—and I don't think you are—you two won't share the same fate." _

Sonya and Mikhail's reunion came back to me as I felt that pain all over again.

The door behind me opened and shut quietly, and I didn't have to look to know who it was. I just knew.

Maybe I recognized the amount of time it took him or his smell. Maybe I heard his heart beat and his breathing. Whatever it was, I could feel Dimitri's presence, his warmth, his strength.

"I don't know why I thought I'd find peace here," I said, wiping a tear that had managed to escape, grateful that my back was to him. "Recently I haven't had much luck with churches."

I stood up, facing him. A look of shock crossed his face, for reasons I couldn't comprehend. Those brown eyes met mine, and I stared right back, for once not lowering my gaze. He said nothing, and I once again fought to fill the silence. I lost that battle.

"Did you follow me?" I felt slightly arrogant asking that, but generally during lock downs you were supposed to stay inside. That had just been another irrelevant detail to me, but Dimitri wasn't one to break the rules.

He nodded. "I wanted—needed—to make sure you were okay." I knew that it was also my physical health he was worried about. Ever since we'd left the clinic he'd watched me as if I'd collapse. I wasn't entirely sure if he was wrong to. I'd have to face the consequences of spirit eventually.

"I'm fine." A lie, but a needed one. And I would be. I wasn't going to love a ghost forever. The only problem was was that he was no longer a ghost. He was here. He was real. He was Dimitri, my instructor—my lover. He was healing, but he was close to the man I knew he could be. So close.

He took a step closer, and I suddenly became afraid that he'd try and corner me again—that what had happen during the attack would reoccur. I studied him, silently willing him to stay a safe distance away.

Dimitri wore is hair in a ponytail, though most of the front had escaped. I wondered if it would still feel the same way, if it would still be like silk if I ran my fingers through it… I shook the thought away. Of course it would. The look he gave me told me that he knew I was lying.

"Why are you here?"

"I needed to get some air."

A ghost of a smile flickered across his lips, but it wasn't happy. "You have to stop this. You aren't afraid of throwing yourself into the path of danger, but you're terrified of letting anyone in."

His tone was gentle, but even so, something about it made me snap. He'd said those words a long time ago, and he'd been right. He still was. But the last time he'd given me someone to confide him. _I've given up on you. _What was I supposed to do now?

My voice rang throughout the chapel. "And who do you want me to confide in, Dimitri? You? You want that? You of all people. All you've done is shut people out!" I said in a lower voice, "All you've done is shut _me _out."

Something flashed in his eyes, pain, I guess. He barely managed a nod.

"You're a hypocrite, comrade."

"It's not the same. I can't have people caring about me. Not after everything I've done." Old words repeated.

"Well, I care, Dimitri. _I care._ Sue me."

Despite my earlier fears about our close proximity, it was me who took the next step forward, getting in _his_ face. "You think I don't have blood—innocent blood on my hands? It's the same. It _is _the same. _We're _the same. We always have been."

The next words that left my lips were just as much about me as they were him. "You can pretend to have a heart of stone, but you feel. You feel, and it sucks, but that doesn't mean that it isn't real."

Something clicked, something that I should have realized a long time ago.

"You feel everything. You feel something for me."

As soon as I said the words, I knew in my heart that I was right. I had known for a long time and had hidden it, unwilling to admit it to anyone, especially it to anyone, especially to myself.

"It doesn't matter." He was pushing me—pushing me too far. All this time, whether he'd known it or not, he'd been securing my insecurities, forcing me to come to terms with the mental obstacles in my life instead of running from them. He'd been my instructor who dove into uncomfortable topics and persevered through my walls and made me acknowledge points I'd rather neglect. And right now, I love him for it. I loved him for all of it. But I also hated him from it. Hated him so much it hurt. He'd had no right to do this, to pressure me into things I wasn't comfortable with, not when he'd given up not only me, but himself. We'd both become cowards.

"It matters and you know it."

How dare he? He wasn't allowed to make me feel this way.

"It doesn't matter," He repeated. "None of it matters. Maybe once it would've, but not now. Not after all of this time."

My own words and thoughts, thrown back at me.

"It didn't matter then. _I _didn't matter," I said softly, more to myself than to him. "What I did didn't matter. It wasn't enough."

He reached out, caressing my cheek. "Don't say that. Don't say that you didn't matter. You always mattered. "

"You didn't want me, remember? I wasn't enough for you. Lissa was your savior. And me? I meant nothing to you. I didn't matter to you. _That's _what mattered. What the hell am I supposed to do with any of that, Dimitri?"

Half of what I'd been so angry about was the fact that Dimitri had broken so many promises. He'd promised to always love me, to never leave me, to always be there for me. As I'd said, Lissa was his savior, even though I was the one who had traveled the globe for him. I was the one who had continually risked my life for him. And most importantly, I was the one who loved him.

His hand dropped. "You did what I wanted you to do. You moved on." As always, Dimitri was the calm to my crazy. Now that…that took the prize. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. If he'd been with me the last two years, if he'd seen me, if he would've been in my head he would've known that I'd done a lot of things, not one of them including the following: moving on.

"And there you go again, telling me what's best for me and how I feel. I don't need you to tell me what I've done."

Dimitri sighed. "You don't need me at all."

That's when I lost control. He could do a lot of things, but he couldn't do this. I couldn't let him. He'd already pushed me over the edge. If I was going to fall, so was he. It was my turn to make a decision.

And I made him.

I chose him.

I kissed him, and boy, was it a kiss.

It wasn't like the kiss we'd shared during the attack. That was sweet…tentative. Afraid. And yes, hungry. This was hungry, too, but there was no fear. In fact, it was the opposite. I was fearless, overwhelmed by a passion that even _I _didn't understand. Honestly? I was angry. So, so angry. Angry at him for hurting me, angry at him for making me feel like this—so full of hope and so…alive. Angry at him for letting me fall in love with him in the first place.

My lips fit his perfectly, and his eyes were filled with fire and passion…and desire. How could I have not seen it? His feelings for me were so, so, obvious. He'd just kept them hidden from me. This kiss wasn't just filled with a white hot passion because I was filled with so many emotions, it was also because it was so…new. Now I finally understood that I'd been kissing a master on Siberia. Honestly…how could I of ever thought that that monster had been anything resembling _my _Dimitri? That had been cold, mechanical—afraid. This kiss was none of those things. This was warmth and life and…love.

Every nerve in my body lit up, and felt that desire returned in him—and then some. After a world of death, he seemed to appreciate love more. Not only that, he _needed _it. He needed life. He needed me—not just physically, but in the same way that my heart and soul always cried out for him.

He broke the kiss and tried to pull away. I pulled him back. I wasn't going to let him get away that easy. "I know you're trying to protect me," I said breathlessly, "but I can't let you do it."

I finally understood why he'd said the things he had. _Love fades. Mine has. _He'd said them not because they were true—but because he loved me. He'd truly thought that I'd be better off without him. He'd said that he hadn't meant to hurt me, but that was exactly what he'd meant to do. He'd known that hurting me was the only way to protect me. He'd been wrong, but that was what you did with the ones you loved. You couldn't force love. But when you found it, _really _found it, you had to protect the ones you loved.

"I love you. _I will always love you. _You have to know that."

He lifted me up and carried me out of the chapel.

He took me to the cabin. It was like an anniversary.

What we did then, as our clothes came off and we brought our bodies together became more than just lust—even though there was plenty of that too. Every touch was sweeter than heaven…and hotter than hell, filled with a white hot passion that wrapped me up in a blanket of perfection.

Being with him after so long, after everything we'd endured…it was like coming home. Like finally being where—with whom—I belonged. My world, my heart…they'd shattered when I lost him. But as he looked at me, as his lips spoke my name and ran along my skin…I knew those pieces could come back together.

When we finished, it was like we still couldn't get close enough. We held each other tightly, our limbs entwined, as though maybe closing the distance now would make up for the distance that had been between us for so long. I closed my eyes, my senses flooded with him, and sighed dreamily. "Say it. Say it to me again."

The doubt in my voice was unmistakable.

"I love you, Roza. I will always love you." Those words thrilled me, making it hard to speak for a second.

"I keep my promises," I said softly, looking into his eyes. "I love you."

Nothing would ever separate us again.

**(A/N I hope you guys like it…I've been waiting FOREVER to write this scene. I wrote the other chapter as a kind of filler until I could write this one.. I just couldn't wait any longer. It was kind of a rush job...I love you guys... thank you SO much for sticking with me this entire time. If you guys want to suggest anything I'd love to hear it! R&R! )**


	32. Chapter 30

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

"Why did you think that I never loved you? Even if what I'd told you in the church was true…How could you think that?" Dimitri asked suddenly as we lay together, my head resting comfortably on his chest. I pulled back to get a better look at him. Amongst the joy in his eyes was something darker…something I didn't like. It scared me. What if…No. I couldn't let myself go there. Dimitri loved me. He couldn't leave me again, in the literal or figurative sense. He wouldn't.

It took me a second to answer—to come up with something to satisfy him. But then I just decided to tell the truth. "After…after that day in the church," I swallowed, "I could only find two options. One: You told the truth. You simply didn't love me anymore. Two: You never loved me. The simplest and most logical answer." And it had been, if I'd wanted to keep my beliefs intact and continually break my heart in the process.

"Why does that option make the most sense?" He asked, his face dark.

I sighed. I didn't like subject. "Because I knew that I loved you," Love you. "And because a love like that doesn't...it doesn't fade. It's either there or it isn't. And I saw the way you looked at your family. Maybe you couldn't love me—but you do love them. You can love. So that was scratched off the list. That's the only option left." The words hurt coming out—yet, I felt relieved.

Dimitri caressed my cheek, looking me in the eyes. I knew he could see fear and doubt there—and pain. A part of me was reliving the pain I'd felt before. He knew that. "How could you be sure? Be sure that…"

"Be sure of what?"

He looked away and I tried to bring his face toward mine but he resisted. Panic shot through me. "Dimitri?"

"Be sure that you love me."

That made me laugh. It wasn't the question I'd thought he'd ask. _How can you be sure that I love you now? _That was a question I couldn't really answer. I could see it in his eyes now…but was it possible that it was just the lighting? Wasn't that what I'd thought it had always been? I couldn't be sure. Time, I guess. Time would tell. I liked the idea of time.

I wasn't quite sure how to answer this question either. How was love defined? How did it really feel?

_Like this, _I thought. _It felt like this. _

"After…" I gulped. "After you were turned, I would've done anything. Broke into any prison, raided any guardian office…anything. And that's what love should be. It's the person who you'd do anything for—no matter what. When I killed you—or thought I did—I wanted to die. I didn't want to go on. There isn't anything worse than that." I was getting off topic here, and that last part was a lie. I had known worse pain. _Love fades… "_But…I knew I had to. I knew that you wanted me to." A memory threatened to resurface—one I instantly fought to block out.

"Even if you didn't know, if you honestly thought that I'd moved on…well, someone else knew," I mused unhappily. "I'm guessing you've heard about that bitch Avery Lazar?"

Dimitri took a second to process this, probably wondering where this conversation was going. I was wondering that as well. What was I doing?

I hadn't told anyone about the pain Avery Lazar had inflicted upon me. I couldn't voice that agony—even to Lissa. How was I supposed to tell her that Avery had given me just a brief glimpse of an angel—_my _angel—right smack in the middle of hell? That I'd been forced to lose it all over it again?

I'd never found the worlds, but somehow with Dimitri I figured it out.

I felt like I should be crying, should be reliving that pain…but I wasn't. All I felt was an overwhelming sense of relief. I could see Dimitri. I could touch his skin and feel his warmth; I could see and hear his lips form my name. And that…that made all of the difference.

"You were there, somehow. You were perfect, just like I remembered. It was impossible." I found myself glancing outside the window, watching the rain fall heavily, washing the campus clean. Could it do it for the rest of us as well? Was it possible that all of the pain, regret, guilt, and everything else could be washed away by the storm?

No.

Deep down, I knew that. But I found that I also knew something else, something that startled me. We could survive. We _would _survive. It wouldn't be easy, but what was?

My gaze returned to the love of my life as I felt hope course through me. Course through my veins with every beat of my heart, filling me up with something I didn't quite understand but found that I needed as much as I needed vital organs and air. "She knew. She knew how much I loved you."

"When did it change? When…when did you decide to give in?" I asked Dimitri, watching him. Pain and guilt lined his features, but deep in his eyes, under all of the suffering, I saw the same thing I knew echoed in my eyes as well: hope. Hope that we really could survive, that we could finally have the reunion we'd craved all along. That we could finally have what Mikhail and Sonya had.

"I don't think I ever really…decided. I guess I finally just understood what I'd been missing out on all along." He answered. "I denied it when I was restored. I had no room for anything in my heart except guilt. I especially felt guilty about you—what I'd done—and I pushed you away. I put up a wall to keep you safe. It worked for awhile—until my heart finally started accepting other emotions. And it all came back. Everything thing I felt for you. It had never felt; it was just hidden from me until I was ready. When you left…it was a turning point. I started to wonder if I'd made the right choice…if I really made it to protect you. And then when you came back, it was like I was meeting you all over again. You had changed so much, yet you were still you. When I looked at you, I saw your goodness, your hope, your faith…those were the things that defined you. It became impossible to resist you. I kept trying to convince myself that I should stay as far away from you as possible, but I couldn't. So I came up with excuses. An excuse to talk to you, to be near you, to touch you. It was impossible to deny it any longer. "

_I kept trying to convince myself that I should stay as far away from you as possible, but I couldn't. So I came up with excuses. An excuse to talk to you, to be near you, to touch you. It was impossible to deny it any longer._

Before I turned sappy or started crying, I kissed him. I closed my eyes; my senses flooded with him, and sighed dreamily. "I'm glad you gave in. I'm glad your self-control isn't as strong as mine."

This made him laugh, and I felt it rumble through his chest. "Roza, my self-control is ten times stronger than yours."

I opened my eyes, shifting to look into his. I brushed his hair back and smiled, certain my heart would expand and expand until there was nothing left of me. "Oh yeah? That's not the impression I just got."

"Wait until next time," he warned. "I'll do things that'll make you lose control within seconds."

This comment was just asking for a witty Rose Hathaway quip. It also made my blood burn, which is why we were both surprised when I abruptly said, "There made not be a next time."

Dimitri's hand, tracing the shape of my shoulder, froze. "What? Why?"

I couldn't believe what I was about to say. I couldn't believe that I meant it. "You still have to forgive yourself if we're going to be together."

His puzzled expression turned to pain. "Rose-"

"I'm serious." I met his eyes unflinchingly. "You have to forgive yourself. For real. We all do. If you can't, you can't go on either. _We _can't."

It was one of the biggest gambles of my life. Once, I would have run to him without question, ignoring our problems, overjoyed just to be with him. Now…after everything I'd been through, I'd changed. I loved him. I loved him so much. But it was because of that strength of that love that I had to do this. If we were going to be together, we had to do it the right way. Damn. Somewhere along the way I'd picked up some common sense.

"I don't know," Dimitri said at last. "I don't know if I can…if I'm ready."

"Decide soon then," I said. "You don't have to this second, but eventually…"

I didn't push the topic after that. For now, I could let it go, though I knew he would hold on to it and grasp its importance. I knew I was right to stand by it, too. He couldn't be happy with me if he wasn't happy with himself, and vice versa. It occurred to me then, as I stood up for myself and what I needed, that our old teacher-student roles were gone forever. Now we really were equals.

**Dimitri Belikov's Point of View**

_You have to forgive yourself. For real. We all do. If you can't, you can't go on either. We can't._

_Forgive myself. _Could I? I took a deep breath. The faces of my victims were going to stay with me for a very long time, as would the memories from Siberia. Maybe I'd never shake them…but could I move on? Accept what everyone told me: that I hadn't been myself. Did that change what had happened? Would that bring them back—erase Rose's memory of the monster I'd been? No. And honestly, I didn't know how I'd move past what I'd done, how I'd shake the bloody images in my head. I just knew that I had to go on. Not for Rose or for my family or Lissa or anyone else…but for me.

If I let this stop me, if I let myself be miserable forever, if I let myself lose her again…then that would be the greater evil. I'd been given a second chance at life, and now I was wasting it. For the last two years I had been wasting it.

I could finally do it. I could finally accept that Rose had forgiven me. Lissa had said it to me over and over again, but now was when I finally let myself believe it. I had to. Because that was the only way I could forgive myself. It wouldn't make everything perfect, but it was a start.

**(A/N I'm not sure whether to end it here or not. If I do go on, it'll probably just be a few more chapters. I'd love to hear some ideas as to what should happen in the next few chapters, if you think I should go on at all. I want to wrap things up—I need ideas! I LOVE hearing from you guys! I'm so sorry that it always seems to take me so long…I've found that as time goes on I keep running out of ideas and sometimes just wanting to start something new. You guys have been the thing that's kept me going. I love you guys!**

**Dimka's chick: I know the feeling! I agree, that WAS how their reunion should've been…but no. Richelle Mead loves to torture us.**

**Guest: Thank you! That makes me happy! **

**VampireFreakXoxoxo: I don't think so…What do you think? Thank you for reviewing!**

**ILoveAndreAndDimka: Thank you so much!**

**Mademoisellesnow: Thank you so much! I'm happy you liked it!**

** .Reader: I've been waiting FOREVER to write it! Hahaha, thank you. (: It seems like every time I write a chapter I'm going back through all of the books, looking for ideas. Richelle Mead is so amazing.**

**Mortal-v.a-twicharmed20: I'm SO happy to hear from you. I don't think this is the end…yet I find myself kind of wanting to start something new as well. I'm not sure what else can happen. I'd LOVE to hear some ideas! Thank you so much! Writing the needle bit was really fun (:**

**Guest: So sorry to make you cry...Your comment just made my day; made me feel like crying to! Thank you so much!**

**Thank you guys for always sticking with me! I love you! R&R!)**


	33. Chapter 31

** Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

It was time for us face reality.

And I really, _really _didn't want to.

I wanted to stay here, trapped in this moment with him forever, lost in my senses, _his senses_…This sense of perfection, of safety…of everything I'd yearned for all of this time. I never wanted to give any of that up, ever. My mind kept trying to tell me that I might have to—that I had to stand by what I had said, that I should prepare myself for heartbreak. Meanwhile, my heart kept begging me not to and/or silently begging Dimitri to make the right choice—or well, what _I _thought was the right one.

Suddenly, I came to a startling realization: it really didn't matter. Dimitri would make a decision and stick by it, whether I wanted him to or not. He would remember my words, even if I didn't.

So instead of torturing myself I decided to forget what I'd said for now and let myself enjoy whatever time we had left together.

But I couldn't deny the world any longer.

I could feel Lissa through the bond, feel her worry, feel her sorrow. She kept telling herself that we were fine…but why would two of us disappear? The guardians weren't worried, but that wasn't exactly a comfort…

"We have to go back," I said sadly, dragging myself out of the bed. "Is it wrong that I don't want to? That I'm happy right now?"

Dimitri pulled his jeans on and walked over to me, caressing my cheek. "I think that there are plenty of reasons for us to be happy. For one, we're alive. And together."

That was true…at least for now.

It still felt wrong, wrong to be filled up with all kinds of joy when an entire school was mourning, when innocent lives had been lost. My happiness didn't change that we were still in danger and that we'd lost the battle. I mean, we had right? Dimitri had said it himself. _Even with all of the precautions we took, we still weren't prepared for an attack of this size. Both academic dorms were breached as was the dining hall. We're looking at a hefty loss in protection._

_Protection. We're looking at a hefty loss in protection. _That meant dhampirs, most of which had just graduated. They weren't ready. How could they be? It didn't matter how strong or fast they were. 16 years wasn't enough time to grow up. Wasn't enough time to be capable of dealing with death.

Tatiana had used me to get her way, saying that I was ready at a young age to fight the undead. But I hadn't been—not really. I hadn't been ready to lose Mason, to kill Isaiah or Elena…or to know how to move past any of that.

I remembered my earlier thoughts. _The bad things stay with you. They follow you. You can't escape them. As much as you want to. All you can do is be ready for the good. So when it comes, you have invite it in, because you need it. _

We all needed it and that was why moments like these proved it, proved that we had to hold on to the good things and hold on tightly because they could slip away so easily. This life killed us, piece by piece, but it was also who we are. It was in our blood-the blood that we lost.

After persuading Dimitri to visit my room first so that we could shower—sadly, not together. You'd think it would take less time…but I knew better.

It was almost comical. I'd done a pretty decent job of cleaning myself up, but what had happened with Sonya and with the Strigoi had attacked Stan reversed that entire process. My brand new clothes were ragged and bloody. I was still exhausted from the ghosts, darkness, the battle, and…well, what we'd just done. It was kind of nice to use my body for something that didn't result in physical injury for a change—though I had plenty of that to. Showering and changing was a priority.

Dimitri and I walked together to the faculty dorm hand in hand, not the least bit conscious of the rain falling down on our heads, even though it probably could have substituted for a shower. The campus was relatively empty and I knew that even if they _had _lifted the lockdown most people would be too afraid to brave the outdoors. I was grateful for this. I didn't want to see anyone yet. A part of me was afraid that if I did, if I let anything else in it would shatter this dream—because surely this couldn't be reality. _Not after all of this time. _


	34. Chapter 32

As we walked something came into view, something that brought me to a standstill. Dimitri stared at me, concern in his eyes along with confusion. After a second, he understood. "The arena," he breathed, eyes wide.

_My dearest Rose,_

_One of the few downsides to being awakened is that we no longer require sleep; therefore we also no longer dream. It's a shame, because if I could dream, I'd dream about you. I'd dream about the way you smell and how your dark hair feels like silk between my fingers. I'd dream about the smoothness of your skin and the fierceness of your lips when we kiss. _

I fought the urge to keep from hyperventilating.

_I can picture all of those things perfectly, as well as how it will be when I take your life from this world._

Kind of.

_Nonetheless, I wish you well today as you take your trials—not that you need any luck. If they're them, actually making you take them, it's a waste of everyone's time. You're the best in that group, and by this evening you'll wear your promise mark. Of course, that means you'll be all that much more of a challenge when we meet again—which I'll definitely enjoy. _

"Roza?"

_There is no place in this world you can hide from me. _

I squeezed his hand and forced a smile, exhaling. "I'm fine."

Dimitri pulled me into his arms then and I didn't resist. I stared at the arena. It looked different and somehow still the same. Every year the guardians made attempts at changing the layout, yet somehow there was a bridge. The arena's bridge was a bit different from the solid wooden one upon which Dimitri and I had fought in Siberia. This one was rickety, a badly constructed path of wooden planks with only rope rails for support.

This was last year's arena. The day before the trials guardians would recreate it as much as possible in case any details of last year's trials leaked.

"I heard about your trials after you left," He said softly. "My…guards…couldn't believe that someone who passed with such flying colors would leave. They said that they'd never seen anything like it. Of course, I didn't expect any less. Not from you," He continued a smile, eyes off in the distance. I smiled to, not saying anything…just staring ahead. At our future.

Neither of us mentioned the letters or anything else that had happened during the time Dimitri had been a Strigoi, for which I was grateful. My throat felt like it was closing up, like I was somewhere else, in a bubble.

It was completely ridiculous. Out of all the things to freak out about…

_Seeing the instructors made my heart clench. Not so long ago, that was how I'd pictured this day. I'd imagined Dimitri and me standing together, with him telling me to take this seriously and not to lose my cool when I was out on the field. _

I shivered and Dimitri wrapped his duster around me, but it wasn't because of the rain. He seemed to accept that I needed a second to just stand here—even if it was in the pouring rain.

_Dimitri should have been here with me. That's how it was supposed to have been. Closing my eyes, I allowed myself to pretend he really was there, only inches away as we spoke._

"You should have been there," I murmured, staring up at the sky. "I kept thinking that you should've been there, telling me to keep my cool and concentrate. Giving me all your Zen lessons, telling me that I can't underestimate my opponents and that arrogance can ruin me just as easily as any other person in that field. I'd say, "Don't worry, comrade. I can do this blindfolded. Hell, maybe I actually will. Do you have anything I can use? If you're nice to me, I'll even let you tie it on." There was a smile in my voice.

Dimitri laughed, pulling me closer. "And I'd tell you that sometimes I feel like every day with you is my own personal trial."

I turned to look at him, surprised. It took me a few seconds to reply. "But you'd smile anyway, and that would be enough. Enough to get me through it. Through anything." I said softly, feeling my smile grow more natural and my breathing slow. He caressed my cheek, his touch sending warmth throughout me. "How did you know?"

"I love you," He crooned into my hair, like it was an explanation; a vow.

And then he kissed me, and finally, _finally, _I felt safe. It was the sweetest kiss we'd ever shared and also the most perfect. It made me shudder and yearn and want to do anything and everything but leave this spot; this moment. But I had to. Because that's what life was about. Pain. Loss. Insecurity. Confusion. Discomfort. It was about creating yourself, proving yourself, _facing yourself. _Facing that you couldn't do everything and that you had to do what you could do. It was hard. It wasn't fair. But then, no one ever said that it would be.

And that, as I was learning, was okay.


	35. Chapter 33

**Dimitri Belikov's Point of View**

Coming out about our relationship created a mix of reactions. Lissa and my family were overjoyed—and began chattering about something I quickly tuned out of, Christian responded with "Well at least _somebody _got lucky last night," Eddie just smiled, Mia was muttering about how she should've known after targeting Rose for so long, Abe couldn't care less—something told me that he'd known all along, Janine was furious, and lastly, Rose's team was beside themselves—with an exception of Tamara, who watched Denis with a sad look on her face.

Janine bit her tongue, surprisingly, but the glint in her eye said that she'd be talking to both of us later. Denis, however, had no such reservations. He shot up and Rose couldn't get him away from the table fast enough. We could still hear their argument, but at the very most, it gave them a sense of privacy…or at least it did Rose. Denis couldn't care less. "You can't be serious!" He yelled, and a few people glanced over to stare. "How could you be that stupid?"

She flinched and looked around, looking fiercely uncomfortable and as if she was trying to keep ahold of her temper. "Denis, I get that you're worried about me, but I'm fine. What happened… it isn't going to happen again. Look…if you knew the reason why he did it…you'd understand." I wasn't sure that he would.

"No, I wouldn't," Denis contradicted, his voice coming back down to normal levels. "What I _do _understand is that he chased you out. He broke you and it took years for you to put yourself back together with tape and glue. I can't let that happen again." His eyes met the floor.

_He chased you out. He broke you and it took years for you to put yourself back together with tape and glue. _Those words rang in my mind, over and over again—because they were true. I couldn't make myself deny them—how could I? I'd done it to protect her, sure…But I'd still hurt her. I'd still hurt the person I loved most, hurt her so badly that she'd left. I thought back to Rose's words. _You have to forgive yourself. For real. We all do. If you can't, you can't go on either. We can't. _Could I do it? Really do it?

Roza's guardian mask faded into something soft, gentle even. It was beautiful. "I'm not her, Denny," she said quietly, "I'm not…I'm not Aglaii."

I turned to Tamara, Artur, and Lev. "Who's Aglaii?"

They all exchanged glances, wondering whether or not they should answer me. Finally, Tamara speaks, voice sad, and eyes even sadder. "Denny had a little sister. Aglaii. She.." Her voice trailed off, as if she couldn't find the words. Her eyes were filled with tears.

Artur shifted uncomfortably. "She killed herself," He finished, deadpan.

Tamara nodded and swallowed, taking a deep breath. " She and her boyfriend broke up. A month later…she…." She sighed. "And then came Rose. She never said anything—it was like she was a machine. She wouldn't let anyone in… it was like she was afraid to. Eventually we stopped asking questions, but we could hear her crying at night. Crying out your name. By that time, everyone had heard about your transformation, and of course, we were there at your funeral. It didn't make sense for her to be in Russia, especially with the way she spoke about you at the service—it was obvious that it wasn't an unhappy relationship. None of made sense. After about a year we wouldn't hear her crying anymore…but it was obvious that she wasn't happy. Once in a while she'd break down again. I think Denis kept waiting for her to….But she didn't. I think that whenever he looks at you…and then at her he sees Aglaii being taken away from him. He feels like if it happens again that it might just push her over the edge."

I couldn't take it anymore. I was certain that if I heard one more word I would break. Pain washed through me, and it was all I could do to just look at her and remember… remember the lifeless look in her eyes, the circles under her eyes, the tough—unbreakable air around her—the one she'd put up to keep other people out. I'd caused her so much pain and grief and all I could feel was pain. I kept wanting to block it out… to just stop feeling. But maybe that was the point of all this. I couldn't block it out.

Janine looked over at me, and I waited to see anger….anything other than what I saw. "You did it to protect her, didn't you? You thought that if she gave up on you she'd be able to move on with her life. She could be a guardian and grow up and do great things. " She looked up at Abe to find that he was already watching her…and took his hand in hers. Such a small movement that completely took him by surprise—a look that I'd never seen on his face.

Lissa had tears in her eyes but said nothing. Christian hugged her tightly in his arms, whispering something to her that only she could hear. And my family….I waited for anger once again, but I only saw love and happiness, with an exception of Babushka. Her face was blank, but her eyes sparkled when she muttered, "I am surrounded by idiots," softly, causing us all to laugh quietly…though it did nothing to wash away the pain that would be with me for a long time. _Forgive yourself._

Guardian Hathaway waited for an answer. "Yes. But it was stupid. I should've known by then that you can't force Rose to do anything she doesn't want to do. She's a force to be reckoned with," I replied softly. I knew Janine heard the real explanation within those lines.

Denis stopped short, all color disappearing from his face. He suddenly looked shaky and pain was echoed in his eyes. "Don't you bring her into this. This is about you and him. About you opening yourself up to be hurt again! And what are your plans now, huh? Are you going to stay here, surrounded by the people who either chased you away or weren't important enough to make you stay?"

_And what are your plans now, huh? Are you going to stay here, surrounded by the people who either chased you away or weren't important enough to make you stay? _Those words echoed throughout the cafeteria—causing a lot of us to flinch. Vasilisa flinched, and I knew that those words hitting her hard. Christian straightened up and I knew that he'd snap if this kept on.

And that was when it all went to hell. "Those people are my family!" Rose yelled, her face flushing and hot tears burning in her eyes.

"_We_ are your family! You're a part of us. You're like us. You're unpromised."

_Unpromised. _

"Yeah, I am. But I wasn't supposed to be. Don't you get it, Denis? I was supposed to grow up and graduate and be a guardian—be Lissa's guardian. I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to get the best of both worlds—Dimitri was supposed to get reassigned and we were supposed to be together. We were supposed to make it work. I was supposed to go to Lehigh with Lissa and then come home—_home, _Denis. Come home to Court and home to my family and home to Dimitri. But I can't have that life now. But I want it—I want it so badly. It was imperfect and flawed and a complete mess—but that's why I want it. That's who I am-I _am_ unpromised. But I'm not supposed to be. And maybe I have to be, but none of that really mattered in the first place if I can't have them, Denny. If I can't have Lissa and Dimitri and everyone else that I love—including you and Tamara and Artur and Lev. You guys _are_ my family. But so are they. I don't know what I'm going to do about any of it. I just know that I want you on my side. I need my team." There was something sad in her eyes—a little girl's plea to escape all of the hell our world brought on.

Something broke in Denis then—the fight faded out of him. "We'll always be your team. We'll always be that." he said after a few moments. He walked over to Tamara and took her hand, and I knew that that was _their _moment. The moment that made us all believe that we could right the wrongs we'd made and keep going. It seemed like everyone was getting their moments…and I knew that Roza and I would never get ours if I couldn't let the past go and forgive myself. The thing was, I wasn't sure I wanted to let the past go—not completely. I wanted all of those things Rose had just mentioned…for both of us. Because maybe, just maybe…

Maybe, just maybe I deserved to be happy to.

Maybe there was hope for me after all.

_I can't imagine a world without hope, _Roza had said once.

And now, I couldn't either. Because if we had no hope, what was the point of it all?

**(A/N I love you guys so much. Thank you for always reviewing and reading—no matter how long I take to update. Things have been hectic with school and honestly I want to finish this story and start something new—I've got all these thoughts in my head for future storylines and it makes it hard to focus on this one. I think that there will be about 2 more chapters to this story, give or take. **

**Our characters will be faced with some very difficult choices in the chapters to come—where they will go, what will they do. Rose said it herself, she doesn't know what she's going to do. And what about Dimitri? Can he forgive himself? Even if he does…can Rose leave her team behind? Will it come down to her choosing her having to choose her family or her team-Court or Russia (or is there another place in mind)? What will our favorite heroine do? Keep on reading to find out!**

**I can't thank you guys enough. R&R!)**


	36. Chapter 34

**Rose Hathaway's Point of View**

I could feel everyone's eyes on me—as much as I told myself that it was all in my head. I didn't pretend to not know why. To everyone, I was a walking time bomb—always have been. Only so much time could pass until I blew up or until I gave in or lastly, until I broke. I'd given everyone a reason to stare. I was unpromised, like Denis had said. It'd been a difficult fact to accept, especially after I'd been forced to see these people to be similar to me—to see them as a place where I clearly belonged. In battle, I'd seen these people as my brothers and sisters…and they had respected me. After all of this time, I'd finally gotten respect; respect from other people—the people who had raised me and from myself.

_We _are_ your family! You're a part of us. You're like us. You're unpromised._

I was unpromised. Since the moment I'd decided to leave, to leave Court, to leave the guardians, to leave Lissa, Dimitri, and everyone else, I'd known that, but didn't believe it. Surely I belonged here, surely I was a guardian. It made no sense for me to stand out, yet I always did, everywhere I went. I stood out against the background of my world; I stood out in a breath of blood and sweat, of injury and loss. Because I was not a guardian. I was a rogue Strigoi-killer. I was unpromised. I would always stand out, even against a backdrop of my own kind, of _my _world.

_Yeah, I am. But I wasn't supposed to be. Don't you get it, Denis? I was supposed to grow up and graduate and be a guardian—be Lissa's guardian. I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to get the best of both worlds—Dimitri was supposed to get reassigned and we were supposed to be together. We were supposed to make it work. I was supposed to go to Lehigh with Lissa and then come home—home, Denis. Come home to Court and home to my family and home to Dimitri._

It was all a little girl's plea to get back the world she knew before. To get back the world _I _knew before. It made no sense…I could fight. A part of me believed in what guardians did. Yet… a part of me believed in what I did to. _But I wasn't supposed to be. _I'd been raised to believe that we were supposed to be guardians; it was the only way to ensure that our race survived. Did I still believe that? Really?

Yes.

I believed that we had to do it, that it was honorable. I believed in killing Strigoi. Hell, I believed in _saving _Strigoi. Yet…I also believed that Moroi like the Queen took us for granted.

_I was supposed to be happy. _Happy. What did that word really mean? Did it mean the same thing it had meant two years ago?

It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

"Hmm?" Dimitri asked.

"Oh... Just thinking out loud," I answered, smiling at his concern, at his brown eyes and the way they watched me.

"About…?"

"Me. You. Us. Everything. I was just thinking that it wasn't supposed to be this hard."

Dimitri took my hand, glancing over at me. "If you could do anything…go anywhere, have anything, what would it be? What would you do?" He asked, voice all sorts of wonderful. Yet.. it was sort of wistful, too.

Lissa glanced over at me, wanting to hear my answer. I thought about it for a second. What would I do? Really? "If it were up to me, we'd all be on some tropical island right now. You, me, Liss, maybe even Sparky if he's nice to me, everyone. No Strigoi, no stuck up royals… Just all of us and some sweet sights and good cable." Neither Lissa nor Christian seemed to be offended at me bashing royals.

We all laughed at that and laughed even harder when Christian glared at me playfully, sticking out his tongue and muttering something uncomplimentary. I felt Lissa through the bond, felt her wish that we could have that. No worries… just each other. The people we cared about.

She suddenly laughed as thought appeared in her mind. "I think you'd be bored. Even with cable. You always need to be doing something." It was a miracle that after all of this time… she knew me. She got me more than even I did sometimes.

I faked hurt. "Are you saying that I have a short attention span?"

A ghost of a smile flickered across her lips. "No. I'm saying that there's a fire in you that drives everything you do, that makes you need to better the world and those you love. To stand up for those who can't. It's one of the wonderful things about you," she answered, voice kind, matching the emotions coming through the bond. I linked my arm with hers, smiling. I'd missed her so much.

There was also something mischievous flowing through the bond—a surprise. I didn't look deeper, lest I ruin it.

"I love you guys," I finally said, breaking the comfortable silence. "Even you, Chrissie."

And I did. I loved them. I loved that it almost felt like I'd never left.

But I had. And now… had to deal with it.

I hated that I'd hurt Lissa, hated the pain I'd put us both through, even if there had been no irreparable damage. I hated that I'd lost time with Dimitri, precious time, though I knew in the end it had been best. I hated that I'd ruined my chances of ever having a great career…of being Lissa's guardian. That I'd lost the future I'd planned for all of my life.

Yet… I'd said it before and meant it: I loved my team. I loved that they'd took me in—that they'd taken in a broken, eighteen year old rogue guardian, one that was immersed into a country of foreign language and culture, one that was…lost. And I had been and until I figured out what I was going to do, I still was.

Lissa took my hand, squeezing it tightly. _Don't ever leave me again. _

"I've got no plans," I whispered to her. And I meant it. We wouldn't endure this kind of separation again. I might have to return to Russia, but there were phones and webcams and a million other things that ensured that in some way we'd be together.

If Dimitri couldn't do what I asked, I'd go back. I wasn't stupid. There was no way he and I could both remain at Court, no way we could just be friends. _I will always love you. _I'd meant that, too. I would always love Dimitri. I would never be able to move on, to love someone else. And in the same way, I knew that he'd never stop loving me, no matter the distance between us. I knew that I wouldn't ever leave him entirely behind. Like I'd said earlier, there were phones in Russia. We could be friends like that…but being around him all the time? Looking in those eyes?

Being that close to him, trying to ignore the electricity, the fire and gold between us…that would be too painful for me. Being so close to what I knew I couldn't have… and vice versa. There would be no way we could do it, and I knew that if we gave in, we'd only receive more pain. I stuck by my words, even though I hated them with a passion that had a good chance of swallowing me under. If Dimitri couldn't be happy with himself, there was no way in hell he could ever truly be happy with me.

Dimitri leaned over to kiss my cheek and whisper in my ear, sending chills throughout my body and a flush into my cheeks. "You are so beautiful. So beautiful, it hurts me sometimes."

He'd said that to me before and it sent a similar thrill throughout my body even now. "You aren't so bad yourself, comrade." I scanned his body, starting at his silky brown hair and going all the way down to _other _areas—no, not bad at all. I giggled.

"I don't want to hear this," Christian said and Lissa smacked him. I stuck my tongue out at him.

Once we reached the doors I sighed, all of the happy feelings fading away. I stole one last glance at Dimitri before entering, preparing myself, reminding myself that this was a disaster…and that no matter how much I prayed things would work out between Dimitri and me and no matter how happy I was that I had the two most important people in my life back—for now at least—people were suffering. People were broken. Just like… just like I had been. Like I might be in a few hours, a few days, when Dimitri made his decision.

So that was why I braved the doors and shoved the dread and blatant fear way down into the pit of my stomach with my shoulders held high. Dimitri's hand was in my mine, which I knew was actually incredibly politically stupid, but completely emotionally smart.

I looked all of the students in the eye as I walked down the path with the rest of the faculty line that consisted of guardians—rogue guardians, even, teachers, and administration. I could see the grief on their faces, the fear, the anger—the hopelessness. We were supposed to have won this battle—we had prepared, thought and rethought… it made no sense. Why did this keep happening? And most importantly… how could we make it stop?

Lastly, I saw the pain.

Finally, we were one. Moroi, Dhampirs, Guardians, Teachers, students. We all hurt. We had different priorities, healed in different ways, but we all still hurt. We all still _felt._

Even the richest of the Moroi, Moroi who would eventually help rule our nation had red rimmed eyes. They didn't shy away from the nonroyals or dhampirs but instead treated them just as they would each other, because in a world like this you had to hold on to the people around you.

I nodded to Aubrey, Nathan, and Will and the rest of our students that sat with the novices, happy to see that other than bruises and a cast on Aubrey's arm and Will's leg, they were fine. Dimitri and I shared a glance.

The ties that bind us are sometimes impossible to explain. They connect us even after it seems like the ties should be broken. Some bonds defy distance and time and logic; because some ties are simply meant to be…even if the world did everything it could to break them apart.

"Rose Hathaway," someone called, causing me to look up. Alberta. Relief spread throughout my body—she was one of the few people I'd worried about. She was a badass, but even I knew that things happened and people got hurt… no matter how good you are. "Dimitri Belikov," she said a moment later, her lips twitching.

Our party walked toward her, Dimitri's hand in mine, causing me to notice a brief glimmer of amusement in her eyes, and maybe even some relief, too.

She waited for the room to come to attention and then gave us the gentlest of smiles, one that held some happiness as well; something that seemed out of character here, in what seemed like a graveyard. "I am happy to announce that you both have received your guardian statuses; effective immediately."

_I am happy to announce that you have both received your guardian statuses; effective _immediately_. _This couldn't be happening. Not now; not after all of this time.

That's what Lissa had been hiding from me, that was the source of happiness in the bond. She'd found a way to make it even harder for me to ever leave again.

Joy pulsed through me as well as shock, and I looked over to see Dimitri having a similar reaction. It was impossible, and I couldn't help but think that if this could happen, if this of all things could happen, then how could Dimitri not forgive himself? It that was possible… how could that not be? _Because we accept the love we think we deserve,_ I thought bitterly. If Dimitri thought that he didn't deserve my love… then who knew what he would do. I refused to let that dim this moment. I was going to be a guardian, I knew. Even if it was in Russia, I was going to be a guardian. A true, honest to good guardian. The look on Dimitri's face… it was like he'd finally found…I couldn't find the right word. Redemption? Elation?

Whatever it was, it felt like all of the pieces were falling into place and I tried to prepare myself, tried to remember that it would only hurt more if I hoped… But I couldn't exactly help it.

Tatiana spoke then, her guardians spreading apart an inch or two. I was surprised she was still here, that she hadn't been flown out as soon as they'd been alerted of Strigoi. "I thank you both, as well as all of the rest of our warriors here for fighting for our school. Because of your bravery and valiancy, we would also like to award _Guardian _Hathaway's team their guardian status if they accept and an offer to become instructors here at the St. Vladimir's academy, or apart of teams we are forming to strike against Strigoi. That offer also extends out to Guardian Hathaway and Guardian Belikov, but we have another assignment we would like you both to consider." My Mom stood with the other guardians; a smile on her face, her eyes filled with love… pride…

Stan suddenly appeared and hobbled out from behind one of the Royal Guards, leaning on to a cane. "Guardian Hathaway, Belikov," he smiled, "The Guardians have decided on an alternative assignment for you, if you chose to accept it."

The Moroi Queen stood up, a smile on her face but a glint in her eye that said she wasn't happy at all about what she was saying. She turned to Dimitri first, eyes speculative. "Guardian Belikov, I name you Guardian of Lord Christian Ozera, partner with Guardian Tanner."

And then she turned to me.

"Guardian Hathaway, I name you Guardian of Vasilisa Sabina Rhea Dragomir, partner with Guardian Castile."

_I name you Guardian of Vasilisa Sabina Rhea Dragomir._

I remembered thinking about becoming a guardian again, dreaming about this moment…sometimes even dreaming about becoming a guardian at all, seeing _my _name go down in history books; not as a traitor but as a hero. _Eternal Service. They come first. _

And me? There was really only one Moroi I wanted.

**(A/N Thank you guys so much for being patient and sticking with me. I've been flooded with all of these ideas for all of these new stories but I told myself that I couldn't start another one until I finished this one! XD I love you guys so much and feel so grateful towards all of you.**

**Review Review Review! **

**Themugglefreak: As much as I love Adrian… he really didn't exist in this story. I know that it leaves a lot of holes but I just really didn't know what to do with him. L But I've got plans for my next story… I think XD**

**I think I'll have one more chapter to this story, maybe two. I know I've been saying that for like the last five chapters but I have more of an idea of how I want it to end. **

**LOVE YOU GUYS! R&R!)**


	37. Chapter 35

**Rose Hathaway Point of View**

_**Epilogue**_

For the first time in a few days, I was alone. Either Dimitri or Lissa—along with Christian, of course—were always with me, both because of the lost time and because they seemed to be afraid that I'd drop at any given moment. I had no such fears; I felt…_good. _Better than I had in weeks. Either way, I didn't dispute the behavior. I felt happier with them around and after the attack; my protective instincts ran so strong that I wouldn't have been able to bare being away from either one of them. Even Christian and I's banter was something I'd missed and was happy to have back, even though we got on each other's nerves a lot—that hadn't changed.

I watched Dimitri say goodbye to his family, smiling. There was something beautiful about the way they interacted; the way they all loved him like there was no tomorrow, something I could understand. Olena Belikova held him in her arms tightly and then let go, holding him at an arm's length. "You can always come home, мой сын," She told him, her words tainted by a thick Russian accent. I could see tears in her eyes and I thought мой сын loosely translated to 'my son.'

He placed a kiss on her forehead, which meant he had to literally bend over with his height. "I love you, Mamulya," Dimitri replied and they hugged again. More murmurings in Russian that I didn't make an effort to hear—I didn't need to. In whatever language, they all meant the same thing. _I love you. I'll miss you. _

When it came time for Yeva's goodbye I couldn't help but roll my eyes. She was so small next to him, so frail, yet so powerful. Despite my higher understanding of her now the old lady scared the hell out of me almost as much as she aggravated me. I had a hard time with anyone who claimed to know _my _future, especially when I had so little a clue. They both kept stealing glances at me and I had half a mind to walk over there and demand to know what her problem was now. Exhibiting a great show of control I let them be, settling for my unpleasant thoughts.

There was no need for me to say goodbye to the Belikovs—they were coming with me. I was going back to Russia with my team. I was going to get my stuff—the few meager belongings that I had-and then meet Lissa back at Court. No matter my status with Dimitri, I couldn't give up a chance to be her guardian—and Dimitri wouldn't let me. I didn't know what I was going to do—how it, how _we_ were going to work, but how could I turn this down? Maybe we wouldn't stay together, maybe we _couldn't, _but being Lissa's guardian was something I'd dreamed of my entire life. And I couldn't—no, I wouldn't—leave her again. If I had to, I would choose her. After all of the times I'd chosen Dimitri over her, I would chose her if I had to—if Dimitri couldn't do what I'd asked.

The question was what if we _could _work? As I'd pointed out to Dimitri, him being Christian's guardian was basically the same thing as him being Lissa's. As long as they were together—as long as we were together, we were all in danger. I couldn't do that to Lissa or Christian, and I couldn't do that to him either. He'd said that maybe he could take the job at the Academy—and I knew how much of a sacrifice that was for him to make. It seemed that our lives would never be easy.

Lissa and Christian made their way over to me, and Lissa hugged me so tightly that I thought my lungs would combust. "Liss, I know that she's a big bad _guardian _and all, but you're going to break her," he joked, and I felt the familiar ting of surprise and honor that came to me every time someone associated me with the title of a 'guardian.' He smiled me, a friendly smile that reached his ice blue eyes and forced me to conclude that he actually wasn't as bad looking as I'd thought he was in the past. Being away from Lissa for two years had caused me to reevaluate him as a person—and to trust him in a way you'd trust your family—your brother, which is what I saw him to be. I'd had no other choice at the time, and even now that I was back by her side, I could appreciate that my best friend had someone who would love her almost as much as I did for the rest of her life. The thought inspired no jealously in me; only kind thoughts for both of my friends.

Her feelings pulsed into me as she smiled back, grudgingly letting me go. She was sad, sad that we were going to be apart—no matter how short the time—but also happy. Excited. Grateful. She was so happy to have me back—and so excited to start our lives together. The lives we were always supposed to have but were never granted. And the life I'd abandoned. I hugged her back just as tight—as if closing the space between us could make up for all the lost time. It couldn't—nothing could—but it was as good as it was going to get. "I can take it," I replied smiling, meeting Christian's eyes from over her shoulder. _Thank you, _I mouthed, even though I wasn't entirely sure what I was thanking him for.

Maybe for taking care of my best friend when I couldn't. Maybe for just being good for her—for being exactly what she needed.

Or maybe, just maybe, it was for just being my friend.

After a few minutes of hugging and casual talk—we avoided talking about my leaving _again _or anything else similarly depressing—my parents made their way over to me. Eddie and Mia were off doing couple things which made me smile. I'd see them whenever I got back. My Mom hugged me first and I thought I saw tears in her eyes. "You _are_ coming back, right? You're not going to decide it's more fun slaying monsters in Russia or that you're too good for sophisticated life? You've got responsibilities. You're responsible for _her._" She looked at Lissa and then back at me, her eyes stern, but also benevolent in a way that only a mother could be. And she was my mother. And I was so, so glad that she was.

"Yes," I said, trying not to smile. Janine Hathaway was a serious woman, and despite the kindness in her eyes, she _was_ being serious. "I'm going to come back. I'm going to be a guardian. I promise."

My father, ever so extraordinary, stared at me intimidatingly. "And what about Belikov? You love him?"

Next to the plane's doors, Dimitri stood shaking hands with Denis. I could scarcely hear them, but it sounded like he was saying thank you—like maybe he was thanking him for all the things I'd thanked Christian for. Maybe he was thanking him for taking care of me. For caring about me—maybe even against all odds. "Yeah, Dad, I do," I answered without hesitation. I think my sincere use of 'Dad' surprised him more than anything. "But I won't leave my family again." And it was true. This was just a trip—maybe the first of many—but Lissa and I had a bond we couldn't escape, for better or for worse and we were better fighting together than fighting apart. And as I was learning, she wasn't the only family I had. Somehow, lost in my pain over Dimitri, I'd lost sight of that.

My parents stared at me like I a child—like I was adorable and naive, two things Rose Hathaway most definitely wasn't. Or thought she wasn't. "Don't take the high ground and assume you already know what you'll do. The truth is, when it comes to someone you love, you'll find there isn't anything you won't do," Abe countered, sounding way more serious and wise than he had any right to be—way more serious and wise than I ever thought that he was capable of being. My views of my father—and well, my mother, too—were often one sided—something that would have to change. They _had _to. If they didn't, we would never have the kind of relationship Dimitri had with his mother—the kind I'd wanted all my life. And maybe they never would, but we would never have a chance if I kept seeing my father only as a scandalous and impertinent—the kneecap breaking type—(which he was) and my mother as a tough guardian with no feelings.

Janine nodded in agreement. "So if you have to leave—bring your family with you. Trust them to take-" Her words were cut off when my father kissed her full on-on the mouth. Right in front of me, which perhaps was the worst thing of all.

It was a kiss full of passion—one that was way too _heated _to go on in public. For a moment, Janine Hathaway—I kept asking myself if she was the woman in front of me—sank into the kiss. Christian made a bunch of noises that sounded vaguely like a cartoon character and I resisted the urge to smack him. After that, my mother broke the kiss, her cheeks flushed. I couldn't look at either of them, couldn't see the lust and love and god only knew what else in their eyes. I wouldn't. I couldn't—based on general principle.

Yet, my Dad's words rang in my mind. _Don't take the high ground and assume you already know what you'll do. The truth is, when it comes to someone you love, you'll find there isn't anything you won't do. _He was right—I knew was. In the same way I knew that Dimitri that realized that—maybe even before me—that love was irrational. My mother had said it before—and meant it. Love _was_ irrational. And the more you cared about someone, the less sense anything made.

I began to realize that there were a lot of things I could have done, rather than run away. I could have stayed—in the comfort of my family—or if I'd had to leave, I could have kept in contact with them. They would've been there for me—I knew that now. I hadn't had to be alone. I'd chosen to be. Geographically, existentially… Alone. I'd built walls around me to make sure no one could break through. And now I knew just how tired I was of being alone.

"Ibrahim," my mother chided, her voice way too flirty for my liking.

I just hoped that I wouldn't be getting a surprise sibling any time soon.

Abe held my gaze then broke into an easy smile. ʺOf course, of course. This is a family gathering. And look: here's our newest member.ʺ Finally, Dimitri made his way over to me. I'd wanted to talk to him—I always wanted to talk to him—but dreaded it at the same time. I was afraid of what he'd say, what he'd do. Dimitri wore formal black and white, guardian wear, just like my Mom and I. He stood beside me, conspicuously not touching. ʺMr. Mazur, ʺ he said formally, nodding a greeting to both of them. ʺGuardian Hathaway.ʺ He finally looked at me, and I thought I saw something flirty in his eyes—then a minute later I came to the conclusion that I'd imagined it. "_Guardian_ Hathaway," He repeated, sending me a soft smile that was reserved just for me. My heart fluttered.

"Can I walk you to the plane?" He asked me, sending my parents polite nods of acknowledgement, which didn't help my flailing emotions at all. A walk meant that whatever he was going to say, he didn't want to say in front of the others, yes, but it also meant that while there was a chance that I'd get a call in two weeks saying that out of the blue he'd realized that he could forgive himself and that we could be together, it wasn't likely. What _was _likely is that he'd be here or in Russia—anywhere away from me.

Dimitri was seven years older than me, but right then, facing my parents, he looked like he was sixteen and about to pick me up for a date.

ʺAh, Belikov,ʺ said Abe, shaking Dimitri's hand. ʺI'd been hoping we'd run into each other, I'd really like to get to know you better. Maybe we can set aside some time to talk, learn more about life, love, et cetera. Do you like to hunt? You seem like a hunting man. That's what we should do sometime. I know a great spot in the woods. Far, far away. We could make a day of it. I've certainly got a lot of questions I'd like to ask you. A lot of things I'd like to tell you too.ʺ

I shot a panicked look at my mother, silently begging her to stop this. I did not want Abe taking Dimitri off alone into the wilderness, especially if firearms were involved.

ʺActually,ʺ said my mom casually. ʺI'd like to come along. I also have a number of questions—especially about when you two were back at St. Vladimirʹs.ʺ

ʺDon't you guys have somewhere to be?ʺ I asked hastily. ʺI need to get going." That, at least, was true. My team was already on the plane, and the Belikovs were boarding now. It was time to go.

ʺOf course, ʺ said Abe, with no more talk of the words or Dimitri's impending doom. To my astonishment, he brushed a kiss over my forehead before stepping away. ʺI'm glad you're back.ʺ Then, with a wink, he said to Dimitri: ʺLooking forward to our chat.ʺ

Resisting an urge to cringe, I nodded and said a final goodbye to my parents and Lissa and Christian, catching her eye before I walked away. I expected sympathy through the bond—but I felt none. She knew something.

We were walking towards the plane—and I dreaded each step that brought me closer to it. In fact, I tried to slow our pace. Dimitri stayed with me—like he understood that I wanted to cherish whatever moments that we had together. His hand caught mine and I didn't let go, didn't pull away. How could I? How could I when I was getting on a plane that would take me away for him? _Just a trip, _I reminded myself. It was true. _I _would be coming back. But would he be there?

The silence was comfortable between us, like it always was, but I got the feeling that he was trying to tell me something, trying to put the words together in his head. "You don't have to give me any answers yet. Take your time. Just…just let me know," I said truthfully , before he would put some string of words together that would inevitably destroy me in an entirely different way than his first ones had.

_Love fades. Mine has. _

I didn't want any answers. I didn't want to lose him—it was better to have this time with him than no time at all. Love also grew, I kept reminding myself. But was that love enough?

This didn't seem to calm him. We'd reached the ramp—it was time to stay goodbye. We didn't have time now—we never had time. Never had time to say what we wanted, do what we wanted. We were always out of time. I wanted to kiss him, but while that felt so, so right, it wasn't right right now. I was afraid that it would be a goodbye kiss, and I didn't want to say goodbye. So instead I buried my head into his chest and let him put his arms around me, taking comfort in the warmth they brought me.

I tried to think of words to say, words to make him understand all of the emotions that were pulsing through me. It didn't matter—he probably knew anyway—but I had to say something. Something worth saying, something that would stick with him while I had his attention, something that would feel as right as this embrace did and as right as his voice sounded when he softly murmured "Roza" into my hair.

Maybe I could tell him that I forgave him—I'd said it before and meant it, but it was something he could never hear enough. Or maybe I could tell him that I needed _him, _as selfish and unforgivable as it was. When I spoke, I said none of these things. Instead, I let him press a kiss to my forehead and murmured softly to him, for his ears only, "I love you. I've never stopped loving you. And I'm going to get on this plane, hopeless but hoping, and pray that you know that. You have to know that."

Something shifted in his features and I broke away, afraid that if I didn't now I wouldn't have the strength to. "_I know." _

I turned my back to him and walked up the ramp, handing the man my ticket and luggage that wasn't carry on. Slowly but surely he opened the door, waiting for me to enter.

"Miss?" He asked when I didn't. "Guardian Hathaway?"

Even though I knew better, I had to look back. Dimitri was still standing at the end of the ramp, his heart in his eyes. I watched him, waiting. Waiting for something. Waiting for anything. "Give me a sec," I said to the man, and locked eyes with Dimitri. I didn't want an answer—I'd meant that. Yet, here I was waiting for one.

We were same. That didn't change as we looked at each other and watched, both hungry and scared to hope. I started toward him and we met in the middle…hoping. Hopeless but hoping, just as I'd said. "I don't think I can…" He began and then trailed off; I nodded, feeling the rejection coming in loud and clear. I turned away so that he wouldn't see the sparkling water in my eyes that mixed with the hopelessness, or the clear pain in my expression. Dimitri tried to gather his words and then started to talk again, halted only when I rested my finger on his lips, not wanting to hear anymore—being unable to hear anymore, hoping my face was blank.

"Okay. Then I'll… We can…" The thought made me sick. He tipped my chin up to look in my eyes, what I'd been hoping to avoid because tears were on the verge of escaping. "I'll…"

He caressed my cheek softly, his beautiful eyes dark with thought. "Oh, Roza… No. Let me finish. I don't think that I can…_I don't think that I can live without you._"

Hope fleeted through me and a tear escaped. He wiped it away and studied my face, looking for something. Maybe he was looking for resignation…or maybe for joy. I had a feeling that neither of those were there because his words stunned me and I refused to let them sink in just yet. Most likely he just saw severe surprise and hope.

"So…what are you saying?

"I'm saying that I forgive myself. It's not perfect, but it's a start."

More tears were falling, but I didn't care. I didn't know what was going to happen. I wasn't in control of my future. Hell, I wasn't in control of anything or anyone, but I didn't care. I had Dimitri. And he'd forgiven himself. That meant more than knowing that we were going to be together, meant more than even the fact that now we had time. "Dimitri, I love you. God… I love you so much," I cried, a smile spreading from one side of my lips to the other. There was something hysterical in my voice, which didn't surprise me. I'd wanted him for so long, yearned for him so long…why should I start believing now?

I waited for him to kiss me, I moved forward for him to, but he didn't. Instead he took my hands and said the one thing I never would have expected to hear him say. "I asked your father for permission, you know. He said that it didn't matter what he said—you'd do whatever you wanted to do anyway."

_I asked your father for permission, you know. _"What? Permission to what? What are you talking about?"

"And he's right," He continued, in spite of my confusion. "You're going to do whatever you want. And that's why I'm not going to ask a question. I'm not going to get down on one knee—there's no need to. There is no need for us to respect tradition because this isn't traditional. We aren't traditional. And you…you are beyond anything and everything that even begins to explain tradition."

My breath hitched and I watched him pull out a ring, a sparkly, beautiful ring that made no sense in the barren landscape, a sparkle that made no sense in his eyes, eyes that were impossibly long lashed. "I love you, Roza, моя любовь," Dimitri said, using the Russian phrase for 'my love.' "And I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

My brain could only begin to register what he was saying, what he was asking as he slid the ring on my finger for me to admire. He was telling me that he wanted to be with me forever. He was telling me that he wanted to tie his life to mine in every way possible. He was telling me all of these things both through his eyes and through his words, things that I'd wanted to hear all of my life but also things I'd been afraid of.

Before I could make some stupid joke and ruin the moment or turn sappy and say something sickeningly sweet I simply replied, in a soft but firm tone, "And I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Dimitri did kiss me then, a kiss that was slow at first but then became fast and furious, filled with passion and adventure; love and lust. It tasted of him and the salt from my tears, but also of an impossible joy. I put my arms around his neck and let him pick me up to where I could wrap my legs around him, somehow managing to smile, laugh, and kiss him at the same time. And in that moment… I swear, we were infinite.

Vaguely, of in the distance I could hear cheers, cheers of people who were only realizing and people who had known all along. And then later, at our special place, Dimitri Belikov took advantage of me. Or I took advantage of him. He…no.

Well, somebody took advantage.

I didn't mind.

_**THE END.**_

**(A/N I can't begin to thank all of you for continually reading this story and bearing with me when life got/gets in the way. I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to figure out a way to finish it and I hope that it ended in a way that you didn't expect or in the way you wanted it to. I would love ideas for future stories and comments on how I can improve my writing or how I can improve my stories in the future. I love you guys so much—thank you. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. I love you guys. As always, R&R!)**


End file.
